I'm really not sure why i'm doing this, it's just that it seems no one understands what i'm going through right now. i've been lying in bed crying for 16 hours straight and i don't feel like i can take this anymore. about a year ago, my fiance and i broke up after four years together. i went through hell, wanting to kill myself and swearing off men forever. slowly over the year, i got better, less depressed...but i always promised myself i would never ever put myself out there in a relationship again to get hurt like that. If only for the fact that i could not physically or emotionally get through another hurt like that. Well, needless to say, I was proud of myself for moving on, and i dated lots of guys, but no one really special. And then came kevin...he was wonderful and said all the right things and was sweet and romantic. And i began to slowly think that maybe i did have another chance at happiness. Well, last night we broke up. I had been sensing something for the past week and i finally called him on it...and he said he just wasn't ready for commitment and he really really liked me and liked spending time with me, but he had "things he had to do" and "was't sure what he wanted". Basically he said we need to slow things down. I was devastated. He was the one guy who I was finally willing to take a chance on (and the only person since my fiance who I've loved....) and here he was saying he needed space. Well, I freaked out when he said this, but i tried to act hardcore and pretend like it was no big deal. I just left and said, "well, maybe i'll see you around" when all i wanted to do was have him hold me and tell me everything was going to work out. I just feel so lost and so angry. Why would i go through the hell of last year breaking up with my fiance, and then get my hopes up again only to have them come crashing down. I've loved twice and i've lost both times. It just doesn't seem fair when i see all the happy couples out there. What am i doing wrong...or what is wrong with me? I just feel like there's no reason for me to be here...i just want to be happy and at this point i think it's impossible. i'm scared to death that my life is going to be empty like this forever. I don't think I can go through losing my love for the second time....and i'm so angry at myself for putting myself out there and allowing myself to get into a situation where i could get hurt. I dont feel like i'm going to make it through this; i just don't have the desire to even get out of bed or go to work. What am i going to do? I just keep asking myself "why?" this happened to me and why i'm even here if this is all there is for me...
