I think I am in love with a good friend.

[RNAZ]

I have a friend whom I have gotten very close with since I was divorced about 1 year ago. Unfortunately, she is the ex-best friend of my ex wife. I have known her for about 6 years after I met her through my wife who was then my girlfriend. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago she admitted to me that she was having feelings for me that she should not. She is concerned with the perception of others and our relationhip. She constantly tells me that she wants to make sure that everyone understands that we are not together. She was told by my ex ,when she began to date an ex boyfrined of hers, that she was destined to pick up her scraps.

 

When we began to hang out with each other she told me nothing could ever be because of my ex wife. We began seeing a lot of each other and really enjoy each others company. We spend hours and hours talking. Somtimes the restaraunt or bar will completely close down around us. I began seeing someone for about 6 months and she told me she did not want to meet her because she did not want to hate her. The woman I was seeing and I did not work out. I had been on a few dates and she has asked about them and I tell her I did not really have any interest in them. She never encouraged me to see them again and to give it more of a chance but rather lets the topic change. I had another woman over to my house to just hang out for an evening and she askedme about it. Itold her nothing happened and that there was no feelings for her and that she was just a friend. About 3 weeks later, out of the blue, she asked me about it again and I told her the same thing.

 

We have been intimate and some true emotions have come out while we have been at the bar and after a few drinks. She has told me she loves me during a passionate kiss, is very attentive to me when we talk, has direct eye contact with me at all times while we converse, positions herself while seating directly facing me and on occasion crosses her legs at the knee with her knees facing me and she occasionally will lean in during conversation. To me, that body language is speaking louder than her words. I have caught her staring at me accross the room at a bar before. Onetime about a week ago we were sitting on her couch and she and I locked eyes for longer than was necessary. Nothing was said but it seemed to be a brief intimate connection. She brings up that nothing can ever happen between us more often than seems prudent. It is like she is trying to talk herself out of or into something.

 

Once while I was out of town a couple weeks ago I spoke with her on the phone the day before I left. She told me to have a good time and that she would talk to me when I got back. The first night I was there she called me late at night. I missed the call but she left a message that she wanted to see how it was and what I was doing. She said she was going to bed and had a long day the next day. So, I did not call her. 2 days after the first cal she called me again at about the time she would have woken up and had a cup of coffee. We talked on the phone for about 20 minutes about stuff that really could have waited until I got back. She excitedly asked me when I would be back at the end of the call. On the way home on the plane she called and leftme a message to call her when I got back and we could meet for a drink and I culd tell her about my trip. I was gettting back at about 8 PM. She also called my house at the same time and did not leave a message. Now does "just a friend" call a "friend" 3 times while they are on a 4 day vacation and talk about stuff that could wait until I get back and try to set up a meet to hear about my trip late on a sunday evening when we could have met after work the next day?

 

She has not activley pursued anything more than 2 or 3 one time dates with other guys and does not call them back after.

 

Bottom line is I believe I have fallen in love with her and believe she has feeings for me but cannot get past what other's perceptions may be. She is a wonderful caring, intelligent beautiful woman and I would like her to be with me. I feel like she is tying to distance her self from me as of late and don't know what to do. A friend of mine said it sounds like she does have feelings and the distancing may be her way to not deal with the emotions she is feeling. I want to tell her how I feel and see if it may jolt her to action but am scared it will cause her to neglect me and I would loose her completely. Any advice? Am I wrong to assume these are more than friendly feelings toward me?

[SwingFox]

RNAZ,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your questions and doubts. I am sorry to hear that things don't go the way you had them planned and I hope this reply will give you some insight.

 

I believe that this young woman is being very careful. You might not know that falling in love with (close) friends is in general considered very risky. There's a friendship you put on the line in order to try to get more. It might be very well possible that your lady friend is trying to avoid that and/or that she feels a little awkward over that, because she wants to protect her friendship with you and tries not to loose you as a friend.

 

I hope that in this shed of light you will be able to understand her better and I hope this helps you to decide what is going to happen next for you. I wish you good luck

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Rachelle_19]

Hi there. Well, I'd have to say unless you can go on like this forever, you're gunna have to tell her how you feel or take action. If you can't take it the way it is for a long time (for as long as you know her) than I'd take a risk and do something. It may be better to take a risk and possibly lose her that to go on the way it is.

 

Are other people's perceptions more important to the two of you than your own personal happiness?

 

Take care