Post in "The Christmas Diary"

[northpickle]

My Christmas Diary

 

Hi everyone and merry Christmas. I've had an interesting few days and thought this thread would be a good place to note my progress, 4 months after breaking up.

 

Christmas Eve I decided to go and stay with my parents rather than be at home alone. It was a good decision to make - I went out for a few drinks with them on the evening and one of my mates came along too. I had a good few hours of carefree fun and a lovely time.

 

Christmas Day was strange at times, the first few hours after waking up I honestly forgot about my sadness, and had a fantastic time with my little girl and my family. Then just after lunch, it hit me, like I suddenly remembered and all the negative thoughts came back. And for the rest of the day, it was like little sucker punches, coming in waves. I went to visit some family, and seeing my grandad so ill in bed, having to ring a little bell to get attention if he wanted anything, well I just choked up with tears. It put things into perspective I suppose.

 

I came home and put my daughter to bed and had a couple of drinks, and I felt calm again. It was so warm, and I sat outside at about midnight by myself having a cigarette and felt an inner peace. I was wondering calmly about things, and even when the thoughts crept in about the ex and his new girlfriend and that they may be having Christmas fun together, it just seemed OK, y'know? "So what! Whatever, it's all cool

 

And then today I'm a ball of anxious energy and I just want to be alone! I'm still on the roller coaster I'm afraid!

 

I haven't had a Christmas wish / text / email from him, but wasn't expecting one. He said he couldn't be in touch any more (new girlfriend) so, yeah... Que sera sera though, it will all be good. I keep telling myself that anyway!

[stevef20]

Hi North,

 

The roller coaster is a beetch isn't it? Sounds like you've had some fun too though and so that's a good sign I think.

A friend of mine mentioned that the healing process is a bit like a computer game, when you first play it you get killed but from it you learn something and next time are able to go a little further before you're killed again, its a bit tacky I know but its kind of true if you think about it.

Anyhow, I'm glad to hear you had some fun, well done.

 

Steve.

[northpickle]

Hi Steve

 

I think you're right with the computer game analogy - I have realised that the greatest barrier to my own healing (or maybe not a barrier, can't think of the right word though!) is my brain. I think far too much, I worry far too much, I'm very sensitive and and I take things too personally and to heart too much. I'm truly happier when I'm in that "calm place" - but I do find it difficult to get there at times.

 

It's not just the breaking up that has affected me, it's the whole process afterwards, the light contact, the friendzoning and then him finding someone new and cutting me off. Like you say, like being virtually killed time and time again! Luckily I have plenty of extra lives though

 

How are you doing today?

[stevef20]

You have plenty of extra lives but also plenty of support and friends, that is of course if a cyber friend can be counted as such. Always here for you

 

I'm ok today, a little sad but far better than I was yesterday. Thankyou for asking

Hugs

[carrie8484]

I think there is something wrong with me, but Im blaming Christmas.

Broke almost 40 days NC because I checked my email and he had sent a 1 line email on christmas day saying ''hope you and the kittens are enjoying christmas''

well that just made me boil over

I dont even know why, maybe its because last year he was so in love with me, he was such a relief from my dysfunctional family, we had such an amazing time in my little flat together between xmas and new year...I dunno, he just doesnt care now and doesnt miss ''us'' at all.

anyway, my response was ''eff off'' using the real expletive.

im angry with myself now, I should have stayed NC. Im having a rubbish christmas with my stressed out family and all I want is a cuddle. I love my ex with all my heart and I wish I didnt. He wont reply, which is for the best.

NC again for me

[stevef20]

Get it off your chest Carrie, we are here to help and support you, we are not here to judge, you did what you thought was right and none of us have the benefit of hindsight so please don't beat yourself up.

 

NC day 1 again yes but many steps back? It doesn't sound like it.

 

Keep on posting

 

Steve hugs

[carrie8484]

thanks Steve

I hate this time of year anyway, usually due to my family, or being heartbroken, but last year it was magical because I had my ex, now I feel like im back to square one again of never enjoying christmas and feeling like my life is awful again

i want to meet someone else to take my mind off things, but even a guy i met recently turned out to be a rat bag

seems like nobody will compare tot he ex for a long time

[stevef20]

Carrie,

 

You don't have to listen to me hon but should you really be trying to meet someone right now? Why not spend a bit of time healing and getting to know and love yourself again, when you are content and happy with yourself and your life you will give off a glow that will attract someone you really want. There is someone out there for us all but only when the time is right..

 

I can't believe I've just said that given its been a year since my split.

 

Be strong

[pippy longstocking]

hi steve , hope your having a better day.

 

carie

 

I think your forgetting something ...

 

HE broke nc ..not you ...you mealry kicked him in his B***** when he did ..

[lemsip]

Feeling good mentally today, but to even things out I've got a severe head cold so can't go out with my mates!

 

MEH!!!!!!

[quirky]

I had an alright day with an underlying sadness.

 

I went with a friend to an area me and my ex used to go to often. We actually did similar things to last year when all 3 of us were together. It was difficult at times. Also because my friend is moving abroad and I am sad about that too

Like many others, life is different to last year's festive season. But maybe that thought alone can give us hope that it might be great next year.