This Christmas I will get no present from him

[PrettyGood]

It's totally brand new long distance relationship of 3 months, even if we know each other for 2 years. He says he loves me, and he chose to celebrate Christmas with me, so I came all the way to his country with a bunch of presents for him and sweet food which I made by my hands to make him happy. I was here for already 1 week and today is Christmas eve. All this time he said "I'm sorry but I don't have any money and ideas what to give you for Christmas and I don't know what to do".

 

I thought he's joking, but this morning he woke up from a phone call. I pretend sleeping and I heard how he laughed that Santa (me) hadn't put any presents for him yet because he was a "bad boy". Then he woke me up and said one more excuse why he can't give me any presents this year. I haven't given him my presents yet, but now I feel totally stupid for buying such a huge amount of expensive presents and bringing them abroad for him when he has no interest to give me something in return. What should I do?!

[arwen]

I'd give them anyway, giving is not about receiving. The issue is not the presents (although this would make me feel strange too), the question is if the reasons he states are true. For me it would be much worse if this was about 'forgetting' or 'not caring' than if it was really because he has no money. I think the joking over the phone would make me feel worse about this, but that's just an impression. How is his financial situation? Even if he 'chose' to celebrate Xmas with you, it's YOU who came to see him - is that also for money reasons?

 

And then... with a brand fresh relationship, I'd not spend too much on expensive gifts anyway. They can easily create an awkward situation if the other person is not used to spending money on gifts or hasn't got the means to do so.

[abitbroken]

I think it was a bit presumptious to buy him a high number of gifts that it would be a tall order to reciprocate with anyways for anyone. You guy have just started dating. 3 months long distance to me is not as long as 3 months in person. I think that the trip to see him would be the present, and other than that a small token or going to dinner would have sufficed. If he said he had no idea what to get you, that is your place to say "well, I have an idea..." He doesn't know you well enough to know what to do. And suggest a nice dinner, or chocolates, or a small souvenir from where you are visiting, or even tell him that seeing him is the gift. If you both contribited to making this trip possible, that really should have been the gift.

 

btw, how do you know he meant you didn't put anything under the tree. How did you know he wasn't talking about you, but just saying Santa Claus thought he was a bad boy.

 

I think when you give, you can't expect anything in return. The point is giving, not receiving.

[PrettyGood]

Actually he bought me this trip to visit him. BUT after a long fight for the same reason that he has no money. In that time he was spending time in clubs with his friends and then not much money left to pay the bills. Still I came to visit him and brought some food with me and presents that he wouldn't be so upset and hungry. In that time he bought several stuff online for himself (no money? hm..) Lately he said he has no money for Christmas tree. So we're celebrating without it. I was fine with it, but then he said he doesn't have any money for my present. I told him I don't need something expensive, just some small souvenir, but he had no time to go to buy something in this week. He just relaxed sitting next to me watching TV and playing video games with his friends (he's almost 40!). And when it's time to change present, he repeated me that he has no money for present again. So he went to meet his friends and to buy some food for our breakfast. I really lost the last hope that he may buy something. I mean I was observing his actions for a week and he seems wants everything from me, not putting any effort himself

 

So the question is this: how should I react when he returns home? Should I pretend calm and not caring about it? (then he may think that he doesn't need to give me anything in the future too). Should I give only a part of my presents, not the whole package? (it's really stupid to buy so many presents when he has none).

[sara-pezzini]

do i understand it correctly that he bought you the trip? then that should be enough imo.....and giving is indeed not about receiving, give the presents with love......and if he has all these characteristics you find annoying even so early on (also read your other thread where you say he is boring and you get nothing out of him) then maybe this is not a good relationship for you and he is not the one....imo three months is way to early to get so many expensive gifts.....so you can keep some back, but not out of spite....

[freeindeed]

This one is tough. On one hand, I'm sure this guy spent quite a bit on your plane ticket, and for that you should be appreciative. Whether you had to nag him or not, in the * * * -for-tat game you seem to be playing with him over Christmas presents, doesn't matter. However, I would be concerned how "interested" this person is in you. Not that a person should buy another's affection. But a simple sincere card or cheap (but funny) token, such as a stuffed bear, would be a nice gesture from him. Recently, my boyfriend flew me out to visit him for my birthday. I just assumed that ticket was my birthday present from him and I was so happy, I really didn't need anything else from him. But when I returned home, he had sent a birthday "package" through the mail to arrive on my exact birthday. It wasn't anything expensive, but it was absolutely wonderful because of the thought. It made me realize that he really did love me, not because of how much money he spent, but because of the gesture.

 

This man's gestures don't seem to say that cares that much about you, and to be honest, your gesture of wanting to hold back presents that you have already purchased shows how much you care about him. If you cared about/loved him unconditionally, it wouldn't matter what he will or won't give you for Christmas. I say, take a leap of faith and give him the presents. He may surprise you for Christmas, but even if he doesn't, be appreciative that he bought you a plane ticket during this tough economy.

[Aalina]

Christmas is not only about giving and getting presents. The necessary thing is understanding between both of you.