Indescribably sick to my stomach, help please!

[thespianElly]

I found something today that has left me feeling completely nauseated and sick. I was over at my boyfriends place and for awhile now for some reason I've had suspisions that something might be up. A short while ago I found a postcard from his ex-girlfriend from his birthday of this year (when I was with him) which set me off but figured they might possibly just still be on friendly terms. Well...that all ended today when I went to check my bus times on his computer after he left for work and found that she had instant messaged him. THAT didn't say much but the "chat transcripts" that followed after it gave it away and are the source of my extreme upset. My bf uses phrases that included, "I want to come snuggle up with you" "I love you" "I miss you tons" and the worst "When are you coming for a visit so we can snuggle together" (she lives in another city). All of these chats logged are logged in just the last couple of months when I was FULLY with my boyfriend. I'm shocked and almost numb to it now but I have NO idea what to do now and where to take it from here. Do I tell him what I found despite uncovering the fact that I was snooping? How to I confront him on it and how do I take care of myself right now when I feel like my world has crumbled apart. I feel SO sick to my stomach at the moment because I've never loved anyone so much out all the people I've dated and for this to happen is just one big horrendous nightmare. Please give some words of advice or strength and thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Protex]

You poor girl.

 

Just come out and tell him, he hasn't shown you any courtesy by doing this so don't show him any by going easy.

 

Dump him, you deserve so much better, and you will find better.

 

Good luck.

[daredevil]

Yeah that is some kind of being ...donøt know the english word for pre acting.. like he wants to cheat on you.. you can't know what he has been doing when not being together with u.. perhaps he has seen her and such...

 

bring it up... and dump him.. these guys aren't worth collecting.... u will find better... u will perhaps feel down about the breakup.. btu such guys are the most idiotic kind of persons u ever will meet in this pretty weird world..

 

End it and find a new.. I know u can... u gor for it girl!!!!

[Batman2004]

I would confront that guy and then take a break from him or ditch him..if he cared about u he wouldn't be talking to her in the way that he has

 

Good Luck on it all though Im sorry to hear about that

[Michael2]

Talk to him.

 

But be careful, he will attempt to pull away and make this YOUR problem.

 

You went with your gut and it was right. He will say oh we were joking and it didnt mean anything.

 

Non sense, if I were you, I would teach him a lesson and dump him. If you forgive him now, it will set a precedent for the future. This is a HUGE RED FLAG.

[PoloGirl]

I am so sorry to hear that, but they say a woman's intuition is no joke! Why did him and his ex-girlfriend breakup in the first place?

[thespianElly]

thank you for the responses guys. I'm feel horribly awful right now but I know what needs to be done, I know it's not going to be a day in the park but is absolutely necessary at this stage in the game.

 

I'm also wondering-let me know what you guys think of this but do you think it necessary to contact this other girl to tell her what her ex is up to because from everything I've read and seen I don't she's aware that I exist. He's been feeding me lines in emails that are the same to her in those chat transcripts from the same time. One of them from June 12,

 

"i love you soooo much. more than i could have

>ever imagined or even thought possible, let alone put

>into words."...

 

only to email his ex a couple days later and tell HER how much he loves her and misses her tons...

 

PoloGirl-they broke up because she moved to Montreal for school. He told me right off the second date that he had dated this girl for about a year but that it hadn't worked out because she moved away, that they tried to do the long distance thing for awhile but that it didn't work so he put an end to it-so he said![/b]

[NYCwoman]

first of all you are a strong woman for coming here and attempting to rationalize this situation. It's easy to freak and make rash decision in this situation. But because you obvously care for him and the relationship, you are attempting to get some advice and different points of view. First you have to determine whether or not you want to fight for this relationship. Is he worth it? Can you live with having these suspicions? And for how long? i agree with the poster who recommended a break. HE may have some skeletons in his closet that he may need to take care of, whether or not you are by his side. My advice? Confront him and give him an OPTION...tell him to take some time (as much as he needs...whether or not you will be there you will realize on your own when the time comes) and figure out what he wants.

 

If it's meant to be, then it will be. I had the SAME suspicions and like you, while using his phone I found numerous text messages that were highly inappropriate, from both parties. The girl he was messaging with obviously did not know he had a girlfriend (me!) and he was not telling me about this new "friend" in his life. So I confronted him and let HIM try to explain himself...in the end...we decided to "take a break" all the while I let him know that I was NOT about to have an open relationship and would NOT stand for his emotional infidelity (another poster eluded to this "pre-acting" before the actual physical cheating) and so after hours of talking and hugging and etc...although it BROKE my heart, I let him go. Did I do the right thing? I really believe i did...and I know he WILL come back. A REAL man appreciates a great woman by his side, and so I know he will be back.

 

Elly...go with your heart and LOVE yourself first. Do what feels best and right and will allow you to have the welf-worth you deserve. Life is shorst but life is also long and if you want to spend your life with someone, then it should be the right person.

 

I will be rooting for you...J

[hurtabandoned]

I'm also wondering-let me know what you guys think of this but do you think it necessary to contact this other girl to tell her what her ex is up to because from everything I've read and seen I don't she's aware that I exist.

 

My husband was cheating on me a few months back. I found her number on his phone and I called it. He was telling her that he was divorced.

 

I had thought that had ended it but this girl didn't have much in the way of morals so she didn't care. A month later I found out it was still going on. I found out where she worked and met with her in person. I told her that it was over. She hasn't had the nerve to call my husband again.

 

I would tell her. Even if you confront your boyfriend and he agrees to end it you would have to trust in his word. Since he's been doing this then you can't really count on that. Letting it be known that you are and have been involved with him will put a "monkey wrench" into things and hopefully it would end there.

 

Micheal2 is right. He may try to put a spin on it and make it out to be your fault. He may make a huge deal out of you looking at things on his computer to try to divert attention away from what he has done. He might try to minimize whats going on by saying that it wasn't a big deal.

[thespianElly]

I'm meeting up with him tonight to tell him of my findings and I'm not looking forward to it. In fact I've been blocking it out of my mind since I found out about it the other day. Its as though I don't want to deal with it or think about it because in an irrational way I think that everything will be ok then.

 

I'm confused on what to do. Do I just mention the innocent part on my behalf which would be to tell him that I saw this girl IM him on his comp?...or do I go as far as saying I found the chat transcripts with all the answers which truly give away what is really going on? Because I fear if I just mention the IM he's going to chalk it off to them still being "friendly" etc. and that's all.

 

Appreciate the advice given immensley and if anyone can help me out some more I'd be more than appreciative. I feel sick just typing this.[/i]

[Michael2]

My suggestion.

 

Go in swinging. Do not beat around the bush. But, do not get angry nor raise your voice, and if possible try not to cry. This is going to be difficult for you.

 

You do not have to tell him how you found the IM. He doesnt deserve that. He will ask, but tell him it does not matter, the fact remains you have f'ed up really bad, and a result I want nothing to do with you.

 

This is where you show him what you are made of. He has two paths he can follow 1) He will deny it deny it deny it 2) He will confess, cry and tell you he is sorry and that he wont let it happen again.

 

Dont fall for his crap. You have to put your foot down, and unfortunately I think you should leave him.

[dakadave]

Funny, I was in a very similiar position to the one you're in now.

 

- She had cheated on me, but the relationship was already over and it was passed text messages, instead of AIM it was text msg's via telephone.

 

Is the relationship fighting for? If its not, and you don't need much closure, just dump him. Call him up tell him its over and move on (very hard to do)

 

If it is fighting for here is the tricky part. I felt my relationship was worth salvaging. Unfortunately she didn't come clean to me about it either. If she had then maybe I'd have more trust in her today.

 

I ended up having to confront her about it, and dragged all the information out of her bit by bit.

 

After 6 months, I have forgiven, but not forgotten (I do not believe this is possible). Sadly, now i find myself on these forums with the same sick feeling I had in my stomach 6 months ago. I found another text message on her phone that set me off in a major way something like "Thinking of you cutie blahblah blah bull...crap" from just a supposed friend. And after checking phone records there has been a lot of phone transactions back and forth between the two.

 

I'm sitting here now sick beyond belief, and its not just women's intuition. Humans have the ability just like animals to sense when something is amiss...

[thespianElly]

Interesting that your quote at the bottom of your post dakadave are the exact words that were running through my head this evening as I confronted him. As a side note I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, it's a horrible situation to be in and a lousy hand that life deals us at times. I really didn't want to do it tonight because I start up my first day at Uni in the morning but I couldn't wait another minute so ended up heading on over to his place anyway.

As michael predicted he: denied it, denied it, denied it.

He told me they were still really good friends and that he still loved her but in a completely platonic way. He told me i could go ahead and search every bit of his room, phone bills and comp because he "has nothing to hide" and now I just don't know what to believe. In a sick twist way I want to believe him but in the same regard I don't want to be somebody's fool. I feel like he is most likely just feeding me lines and telling me what I want to hear. I wanted to save the relationship but how do I know if he's being totally honest with me?

Should I go a step further and email this ex of his and ask her just how good of friends they are?? I asked him if she knew about me and he came up with a lame "I can't remember but I don't think so..." I feel like that might be my only weapon at the moment.

I must say I did go in strong and didn't cry-right away. Held composure (it was SO hard) and spilled it all out until finally breaking down once all was said. Very hard thing to do, I'm glad it was put out there but I'm still without resolution or peace of mind.

[squarepeg]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

 

I have been right where you are. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks that you have to go through it now. I think you did the right thing by confronting him, and you know that friends dont 'snuggle'..so I think you know what was going on.

 

I think you should tell her, because he may be leading her on too, and she may have no idea about whats going on with you. That way, she will know and if hes playing with her too, he wont have the benefit of winning her over once all is said and done.

 

When I was in your situation I forgave my boyfriend. He told me he was lonely and just did it out of curiosity and lonelyness. It was a symptom of needs not being met in the relationship. I forgave him and managed to forget it myself, but it put a gulf between us that eventually lead to the relationship eroding away to strangers living together.

 

So its possible to forget, and even forgive, but its how he responds and what he choses to do. Right now hes in denial and is probably even lying to himself as to the degree of how much he messed things up with you. I would tell her asap, and take an inventory if he worth forgiving, once he admits he did something wrong.

 

Good luck *hugs*

[thespianElly]

I got an reply back just this morning from my bf's ex...I feel like I got my ounce of reassurance back but do I believe it all and put it to rest? Should I go with it and let it be? Here's the email:

 

I don't know if you sending me yesterday's email on

the same day that I sent one to him indicates that you

are reading his emails, but if so, then you can see

that I am trying to steer our so-called friendship

into exactly that: a real friendship.

 

I haven't been in touch with ____ for a while. His

emails are very sporadic and usually come out of

nowhere. I haven't seen him since we broke up almost

two years ago, and since he is in Winnipeg, and I am

in Montreal, the chances of us seeing each other are

slim to none. We don't even talked on the phone. To

sum up, our "relationship" is basically non-existent,

except for the random emails we send each other every

once in a while.

 

I don't know if this helps clarify anything for you.

It's the best I can do from this end. If you still

have doubts, the best thing would be to ask him.

 

I know you didn't ask for advice, so feel free to skip

through the following. If there's one thing that

would make dating ____ much easier, it would be not

jumping to conclusions. There's usually a logical

explanation, and most arguments are based on

misunderstandings. So instead of attacking him with

unfounded conclusions (which is what I always did),

talk to him first and ask what's going on. The key:

honesty. Just talk to each other openly, and

everything will work out fine.

 

P.S. I promised myself that I wouldn't get stuck in

the middle of this, so this is the last time you'll

hear from me.

 

So that's it. I feel like I should put it all behind but do you guys believe that what I found is still a big red flag and something to be concerned about? I'd appreciate any advice given.

[RayKay]

Oooh, I am in the 'Peg too!

 

 

How are you enjoying this early winter

 

 

It sounds like at least from her side, that she does not see it as anything more than an occasional email or two - and that is a possible scenario. But, as you said before, there is some questionable email content which might be more bothersome as it indicates while she may be over him, he might not be over her entirely.

 

But, you also need to have a level of trust, or this is going to eat away at you. Has he ever done anything to break your trust before? Perhaps he is just naturally a flirty person - but does not mean he will go anywhere with that...I don't know, but you have to listen to your own gut about things.

[thespianElly]

I just feel completely messed up now to a point that I don't know if I should be believing him or myself. He didn't call all of yesterday so I knew something was up and figured he had found out about me emailing his ex. Sure enough by the end of the night I couldn't take it any longer so paied him a visit since I only happened to be ten minutes away.

He was really pissed off and mad-completely peeved that I had the nerve to email her and said that I had ruined what they were trying to make of a friendship. This made me feel even worse because now he was putting all the blame on me and he told me that he had lost all trust in me. Suddenly I felt like everything had turned around and I feel SO crappy right now. I don't even know where to go from here. He says we have A LOT to talk about and I agreed that we do since I doubt we've ever talked about much of anything.

From an outsiders view how does this look? Do you think he's feeding me crap again or honestly telling the truth. I feel like my head is totally bogged up and I can't even think clearly or logically on the subject to determine whether or not he's making a fool of me or if I genuinely screwed up. Please help!

[RayKay]

It is hard to say if he is pissed off as you did not trust him, crossed some "boundary" or because he was trying to build something more with her and you now "know all about it" so he can't have his cake and eat it too!

 

I think you two really DO have to talk, but hopefully you can both do it calmy and objectively. I do hope for all the best with you, be open to his explanations and don't be judgemental off the bat, but also listen to the voice in you.

 

Best of luck.

[Scout]

His anger is another big red flag. This is a fairly typical reaction from someone who is cheating or feels like he is cheating, anyway. It's a way to deflect the responsibility and explaining himself - by putting YOU on the defensive.

 

The fact is, the original transcripts are conversations that are not between "just friends". I do not tell my platonic friends "I miss you and want to snuggle with you."

 

Yes, his ex's email sounded very reasonable, but that's just it: it "sounded" reasonable. I have no idea what her motives are to paint him as the good guy, but something doesn't fit here. Why did she participate in those inappropriate conversations with him?

 

Your boyfriend has messed up, big time, and what's worse - you're putting him in the driver's seat. If it was me, I would break up with him. He is the reason why all trust has been lost in this relationship, NOT YOU. If he can't even admit that he did something wrong, that shows a real character problem. You cannot fix his character problems, only he can. And he'll never learn if there are never any consequences to his actions.

[thespianElly]

Ray Kay, thanks for the advice I greatly appreciate it.

 

Scout,

Your comment about something just not fitting is a thought I had this afternoon regarding this whole situation. What bothers me is the absense of any sort of explaination for the content in those transcripts by his ex. She fails to mention it anywhere in her message and it truly is the root of my upset and suspicions.

 

As for my bf, just him mentioning that I've now "totally ruined" his "friendship" with this girl indicates that I'm missing half of the story. Most likely "ruined" because I made her aware of a completely dishonest situation and because she was likely not aware I gather it's not something she'd be too happy about.

 

What also bothers me is how much I fall into his manipulations once I'm with him. I can be the picture of strength prior to meeting up with him (and I was) with a clear idea in my head of going there and calling it all off and then I arrive, he somehow turns the whole thing around (on me!) and suddenly I find myself apologizing when all the while thinking there's something SERIOUSLY wrong here! I feel like if I stay with him and believe him that I'm letting him get away with it and as you say, leaving no consequence for his actions which sets a precedent the next time around.

 

So I'm not crazy to think that I'm being lead on here?

[Scout]

No, you're not crazy at all. And it's plain wrong of your boyfriend to make you feel like you're imagining all this. The truth is in black and white, in print, no less!

 

I understand you love him very much and want to believe him. But gee...in this case, the evidence is just overwhelming, I mean you have an actual transcript of his conversations which don't leave any doubt.

 

You do realize there are guys out there who would not do this, don't you? Or if they did, would at least have the remorse to admit it and beg your forgiveness?

 

It's hard to realize that someone we love and tried to trust has just let us down. What's even harder is when they refuse to acknowledge it and paint us as insecure, unstable, jealous, possessive...it's like a double betrayal.

 

My suggestion is that you do some intense inward thinking about this relationship. What are your real needs, and are they getting met in this relationship? What is he doing to heal this conflict? (sounds like he isn't doing anything but making it worse). Do you respect his character? Because at the end of the day, it's character compatibility that makes for a lasting relationship, not personality similiarities, common interests, etc. There is a difference between character and personality.

 

My heart goes out to you, I know how painful this is for you.

[thespianElly]

I really apprecaite your suggestions Scout and I promise I will do a lot of thinking about what I want out of this relationship and if I'm actually receiving anything in return besides negativity.

It's incredibly hard when it's someone you really love because suddenly I become this irrational person who has blinders on and I swear usually I'm an intelligent person but around him that all seems to change. I understand that if he was truly a good person that none of this would have been an issue in the first place because it simply would not have been there. I've come to realize that I've been unhappy for quite some time with his lack of attention and overall interest and that I'm in a rather unhealthy relationship. I am also aware that there are guys out there who would not do this and who are genuinely decent people that would be more than a better, healthier choice.

Thanks to everyone here for being so supportive and incredibly helpful, words cannot describe how much I appreciate it.

~Elly