facing facts

[k33]

I think it is time that I faced the fact that he isn't going to come back to me. I know he hasn't ever gone back to anyone, and I know he never will. It hurts so much to realize that the 100 times a day I think of him and how much I love him still that I have to punctuate it with realizing 100 times a day that he doesn't love me anymore. And he never will. I gave him my all, and it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough. Only in movies do people come back to the people who love them and fix things. When he goes back home, I will never see him, or hear from him again. (whenever that is). I will just be a mistake he made, which he will never mention.

 

I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, I've talked to him a total of 40 minutes. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He knows where I am and how I feel, and nothing. Absolutely nothing. Giving him space is just giving him space to forget me, which I am sure he has.

 

I can't believe how incredibly sad I am. I can't believe a broken heart can't kill you.

[lady00]

deleted.

[k33]

I'd like to believe that, but you know I am married to him. I married him. He said forever. He couldn't handle the responsiblity. I don't know. I love him, I have clean up the mess. I can't even manage toake my dog for a walk. How am I going to clean up the relationship, the stuff left behind, the bills, the divorce? I've been divorced before, and all I can think is what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so easy to leave?

 

In the three months since he's left, my job has become unstable, I lost a lot of money due to job becoming unstable, some of my friends are on hiatus, my most beloved relatived died and I had to go on anti-depressants. This is what my life is. I can't even think about how to get through another day let alone anything else. I am immobilized by grief. I don't want to get any stronger. I have survived enough in my 34 years, I don't want any more strength.

[Protex]

Girl, everything will be okay.

 

You will survive this, you'll find someone new and better and look back and be thankful this happened.

 

As for your financial debt, is there a relative that could help you out with some money?

 

As for everything else, don't beat yourself up about it.

 

Keep your head up.

[daredevil]

Yeah... regarding the financial problem i suggest the same thing as protex says....

 

In order to move on with your life i suggest doing something actively for not thinking about him.. perhaps soclai activites.. partying.. watching movies.. hanging out with friends.. going to the gym and such... a lot of things which can spread your focus on to other objects..

 

For 3 weeks i experienced the same situation.. but after entering the university I haven't had so much focus on my ex.. of course i think of her.. but the pain is nearly gone.. and i know i can move on with my life with out a broken heart.. but still it takes time.. and u may have to be strong and show a lot of courage.. im pretty sure u can handle it... u go for it

[k33]

thanks for the advice, but I think it's a little bit diferent when you are in your 30s. and married. I've been doing all that stuff, I just can't keep it up. I can't pretend anymore.

 

It took me a long time to find this guy, who I still desperately (emphasis on the desperate) love. So it's not that easy to just start again. it really isn't, as you get older.

 

I'm not worried about money, I just lost a lot. I'm more worried about my sanity.

[shes2smart]

First of all, you need to get the idea that there's something "wrong" with you out of your head. It serves no useful purpose and only makes you feel bad. Let's start with the assumption that you're fine the way you are, and the hell with anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

 

Secondly, you cannot look at the big picture right now. It's too overwhelming. You need to focus on what needs to be done today...nothing more. If focusing on what needs to be done today is too much, then you need to focus on what needs to be done "this morning" or "this hour" or "this half-hour." I have gone through periods in my life where I could only focus on what I needed to do in the next 5 minutes because looking beyond that was so scary and depressing it rendered me completely immobile. So chop it up into managable bits and take baby steps for as long as you have to. You may move slowly as molasses on a cold morning, but KEEP MOVING.

 

Thirdly, forget about "how hard it is to meet someone else if you're over 30." It's a bunch of crap. I myself didn't meet my husband until I was 37 and so sure I was going to be single for the rest of my life. At this point, I wouldn't even bother thinking about finding someone else or starting a new relationship. You need to focus on taking care of YOURSELF, and building a healthy relationship with YOURSELF right now.

 

You mentioned in your post that you had been divorced before? One of the things you may want to do as you go through this reconstruction phase of your life is look at the choices you've made in previous relationships. If you're not happy with them, you can learn to make better choices. At one point in my life I consistently chose men who would make themselves unavailable to me - usually because of an addiction problem. I saw the pattern, and once I came around to the realization it was entirely in MY control to change it....well, that's when things started to improve.

 

In life change is the only constant, yet most of the time we resist it...we fight it tooth & nail and will go to extraordinary lengths to keep things "the same." All that effort is in vain. Changes will come whether you want them to or not. You can either rally against them and make yourself miserable or go with the flow and see it an an opportunity. The trees that don't bend in the wind break when the storms come.

 

And, once again, I'm gonna suggest the book "Love 101: To Love Oneself Is The Beginning Of A Lifelong Romance." The ideas we have about marriage are a wee bit askew. In your case, your ideas about marriage are not serving you well. Here's a snippet from the book that looks at things a different way:

 

 

 

My point is this -- most of us are unaware of the history of the institution of marriage and how it got tangled up with the notion of romantic love (for many centuries it was strictly a business arrangement). Being unaware of the history, we also take these wonderful sounding ideas like "till death do us part" and try to apply them to now, never realizing that (as mentioned above) time frame of "forever" was much shorter when the idea was first thought up. And we wind up doing nothing more than torturing ourselves with ideas that are not serving us well and are making us miserable.

 

best of luck to you,

~s2s