Thinking of reaching out..

[Bronxtigeraso]

So Ive posted here on enotalone for a bit. Me and my ex girlfriend ended our relationship on Sept 2nd. It was her decision. To keep it really short she ended it because

she wasn't happy in the relationship and she just started her first week of college. Thats in her words. I did all the mistakes of begging and everything. Last time Ive ever made actual contact with her was on Sept 16th. But the last time I ever heard a single thing from her was on Sept 2nd, the day she left me. Ive totally felt better as months went by. Now with these holidays coming along I'm starting to feel a bit lonely and still miss her alot. Alot has changed since she left me. Ive got a better job,a whole new look,and have learned alot from the mistakes ive done. Not only did I spend Halloween, my b day on Nov 10th, Thanksgiving, our 2 year anniversary on Dec 11th..but now even Christmas alone without her;[ I truly love her and want to make contact once again.

 

All in all she hasnt reached out and neither have I. She did block me on FB after she left me. So I have no real sort of contact with her. I'm thinking of sending her a Christmas card in the mail.

I don't want any negative answers please. Its been over 3 months since the breakup and I feel i'm ready for this. Any feedback you guys can give me? Thanks.

[lanaa]

she blocked you,she did not try to contact you

 

why would you wish her merry christmas?

[Bronxtigeraso]

Thing is I have a new phone number, which she doesn't have. I feel maybe I should be the one contacting her for the way I made her unhappy. Ive never cheated or was abusive. But was a * * * * when arguing. Acted like I didnt care..when truly I do..

[calichick007]

How will you feel if she doesn't respond? Also, I think the new number thing is irrelevant if she hasn't unblocked you on FB.

[Thorshammer]

Oye, tigre... You really want to reach out when there is no indication of her wanting to keep you in some form of contact? It seems she drew all lines showing she is pushing away. Did you guys leave on a bad note? Are you still blocked on facebook?

 

I wouldnt bother, but if you want to contact, i would approach as a friend. Dont tell her about any changes, you can hint at them, maybe try to draw her into asking, but i wouldnt force anything.

 

I am trying to be positive, but her blocking you on FB sends all sorts of alarms for me.

[HopeArises]

There are ways to re-create the attraction she obviously lost for you. You've done amazing btw in the last 3 months. Most people on this forum will discourage you to reach out to her and to keep up NC and don't look back. You won't hear that from me though. I think you've proven to YOURSELF that you CAN and you DID get through a lot of tough times without her since Sept. 16th and that's something that won't go unnoticed by her, regardless of her silence.

 

I'm assuming you guys are about 18 years old seeing you said she just started her first year of college? That is very young. How long was the relationship?

 

My advice to you (my ex ended it with me on Sept. 19th). She initiated a couple of times up until my b-day on October 24th. After that I did LC (me initiating) until 2 weeks ago. What am I personally going to do? I'm NOT going to do anything over the holidays, because she'll probably be expecting me to. ALWAYS go against their expectations. It's called being counter-intuitive and this way they take more notice and it gets them thinking of you in more of a positive way.

 

So, my advice to you is to NOT even acknowledge the holidays over the holidays, but to wait until January to make your re-introduction (if you still want to then). Why do I say wait it out? For the simple reason that you miss her. Do NOT contact her when you miss her. Go through that pain and once you've come out the other side, you'll be so much more confident and she'll sense it. Again, I don't know how long your relationship was, so she may not be missing you that much if it was really short, but if it had any length to it, she will be thinking of you over the holidays and that's why you do NOTHING. Come January, make a BOLD move. Not romantic, but something that shows courage. She'll no longer be expecting anything from you and that's good, because it will throw her off. That's exactly what I intend to do btw.

[TearsofFate]

I wouldn't if I were you. Christmas is the time of year to spend with people who really care about you like your family. Don't let her ruin your Christmas. I agree with HopeArises, don't do it, and make a bold move not to. It's Christmas, focus on your happiness and your family's happiness.

 

Think of how horrible it will feel to have her not contact you or say something you don't want. It will just make for a terrible Christmas. Keep your spirits up and keep with the NC. Even if she did message you back "Merry Christmas" she might do it because she feels obligated to, and that's not a good reason for her to either. Just step back and let her go this holiday season. Think of all the things you do have and be thankful. Maybe to fight the sadness you could really cheer someone up for Christmas.

 

To fight my own loneliness I've bought my mom and brother lots of presents and am planning a Christmas dinner with them (which I'm making) and I put up the Christmas tree. It really makes me feel good to bring cheer into my family's lives. It makes me feel less sad about my own problems, and lets me focus on things that matter, outside of myself.

[Fun Boater 1]

I agree with Thorshammer. If she has blocked you on FB, that's a terrible sign that she doesn't want to hear from you. I also agree with others who basically say "suck it up and deal with the pain" of the holidays. Holidays are a very rough time for alot of people, in or out of a relationship. I wouldn't send her some kind of sentimental card or anything of the sort. Wait it out and see how you feel after the first of the year. Eventually, she may get curious and will contact you. You should wait for that to happen. I just fear that by sending her a card you are setting yourself up for dissapointment and a falling back in your healing.

 

Do you and her have any common friends? Do you have any outside "window" into her world via common friends? Might be extremely helpful to have some prior "intel" on what shes' up to before doing anything. Is there anywhere (clubs, parties..etc..etc.) that you stand a good chance of "accidentally" running into her? I think a "chance" face to face meeting might be your best bet, if there is a way to make that happen.

 

Just be careful. You have done very well on the NC. 3 months is a long time and I know it's been hard. Think very carefully about how far you have moved towards healing.

[Bronxtigeraso]

Thanks so much to everyone for your replies. I def understand everything you guys are saying. I def feel much stronger as a person going 3 months. I would've never thought I could achieve it, but I did.

As for the FB blocking..she did block me, but still kept my family and friends..that was until I started the begging and she deleted all of them a week after. I don't even know if she has me unblocked..ive told myself I wasnt even going to search for her on FB.

 

As for ending in bad terms? Not really. She tried letting me go in a nice way but I went insane of how hurt I was and went off on her in text. Said many cruel things because of the heartache I felt. Thats when she started brushing me off and acted like I never existed. Ever since Sept 2nd, I got the total silent treatment. I feel with my cruel words she just told herself "This is exactly why I cant be with you". I feel her silent treatment she is giving is a form of abuse she is giving me, and it totally worked

 

@Hope

Yes I'm 19 and she is 18. I know we are young..but I truly care about this girl. We met on Myspace and after a week just clicked instantly. This is when Myspace was popular.

She lived in Queens and I live in the Bronx. And the love was just there. We would take 2 hour train rides just to see each other. We had 1 year and 6 months together. I was her third boyfriend

and she lasted the longest with me. I might be going out of a limb here but I still sense some sort of hope. I want to send her a x mas card in a sense of catching up. Not a sense of "BABY COME BACK!!".

I just want to see how she has been and let her know how Ive been. I feel its the first step to reconnect in a friendly way. Thats when I make moves to reconcile. This is just how I feel.

[HopeArises]

I wouldn't if I were you. Christmas is the time of year to spend with people who really care about you like your family. Don't let her ruin your Christmas. I agree with HopeArises, don't do it, and make a bold move not to. It's Christmas, focus on your happiness and your family's happiness.

 

When I said make a bold move after the holidays are over, I meant just that. Make a BOLD move. Not make a bold move not to.

 

To try and phrase this differently, I don't think making a "move" over the holidays is a good idea, because it sends all the WRONG messages. It says that hey, I'm looking for a good reason to reach out and one that is EASY and CONVENIENT. It's also something most (if not ALL dumpers) would be expecting from the dumpee. If you can go against the dumper's expectations, you can RE-CREATE curiosity, which CAN lead to interest, which in turn can lead to RE-ATTRACTION.

 

What I meant by the bold move is that after you go against the dumper's expectations, by NOT having reached out over the holidays, you then are in a sense forcing the dumper to see you differently, in the respect that you are taking them off of the pedestal that most dumpees put them on after they are dumped. It's almost like a reality check for them. They think, of, he or she will contact me FOR SURE over the holidays, as a means to get my attention (once again) and when you don't, they TAKE NOTICE...

 

So, being bold is great, but being bold at the RIGHT TIME is what is needed. I am ALL for contacting the dumper, but NOT when they expect you to and not to do it because you miss them, or are sad, or think that you are being the good person by wishing them a happy birthday, or a merry christmas. This won't get the result you are looking to achieve with them. Contacting them on YOUR terms, when they least, but more importantly, NO LONGER expect you to, will leave them OPEN to you in a way that predictability and over exposure to them won't.