In complete shock. My mom doesnt like my boyfriend for me?

[CountryHGirl]

I know ive been asking for alot of advice lately, sorry in advance ha!

So i was just having a skype session with my mother. She still lives in Alabama, while im up in PA for work.

We got to talking about my friends extremely new engagement. My mom started saying stuff about it, putting it down. I said if they are happy, then so be it.

 

We then got to talking about my boyfriend and myself. She proceeded to say, "I think hes nice Hailey, but i just dont think hes right for you." THIS coming from a woman who is in an extremely unhappy marriage, fights all the time with my dad, they basically cant stand each other. Talk about not being right for each other. Its a horrible marriage. My little brother who is 10, has even asked them to get 'diversed" as he likes to say. You know its bad when that happens.

My mother started saying things like "He treats you well, hes nice, but i dont think he has ambition. Hes going to go nowhere in life and will never be able to support you."

 

Now ive had some issues with my BF about this. I think he is afraid of failing. But hes still going through school and finishing up by next December, which is great. But, who's to say you cant have a happy marriage if both people are working?! I know plenty of men who are stay at home dads, and though thats not my first choice, if it meant we had a happy healthy marriage then so what? I just cant believe my mom, the queen of bad relationships, is trying to sway me out of being in love with my BF.

 

I know for a fact that no matter what, my bf and i will be happy together. He is the sweetest, most giving man i know. Everyone who comes accross him says that. My friend who just met him for the first time a month ago, pulled me aside and said how lucky i was, that shed never seen anyone look at someone the way he looks at me. Now, that just does not happen everyday.

 

I know my mother thinks hes not the man for me. She wants me to be with a rich, cute, sports playing guy, who can let me be a stay at home mom and get my nails done every week. I used to want that to, but at somepoint after getting together with my BF i realize those things dont matter. My dad could probably care less about the whole situation, which i dont know if thats as bad or not. Yes, id LOVE to be a stay at home mom someday, and im planning financially for that. But if i had to, of course id work to help my family. This guy jumps through hoops for me, and i for him. We are committed to making this work and we KNOW we are getting married sometime in the future.

The only saving grace in this whole situation is my grandmother, my moms mom. She has said repeatedly how much she appreciates how he treats me, and that she really likes him, and how she hopes i end up with him. I thank God shes on my side, otherwise id feel like crap all the time. I used to be very focused on pleasing my parents, and it eventually drove me to drink. They put so much pressure on us(the kids).

 

I dont know what to tell my mother at this point. Do i try to convince her i love him and we ARE going to be together? Or just not say anything and let it be and she'll just have to grow to accept it? I dont voice myself about the men i date anymore to my family. The last time i did that, i got dumped, and they basically were like "Awh we miss him" and he was a jerk to me. So now i keep quiet. Any advice?

[Di_ya2009]

I think you should let it be. You are the one who is going to be living with him and if you are happy, that's what matters. If you tell her "well mom, I know you think he's not right for me, but I am going to be with him anyways" she might start resenting him more and come of with more "reasons" as to why he is not right for you and it may bother you more.

[LDRohnos]

Parents do this. Some do it to the point where they want to control the exact person they want their daughter/son to marry. Some will even go so low as to drop subliminal doubts into your mind to make you think.

 

Block that noise out. Only you know what makes you happy.

[abitbroken]

I don't think that you should automatically think the extreme - that your mom wants a rich, sports playing guy. If your boyfriend seems to be struggling to feed himself, etc, or is not really sure what he wants to do or is kind of drifting around, he may not come accross as stable to your parents. Remember - your parents are not there so can't see how he "looks at you that way". They only see him through the lens you paint, plus brief meetings. If you always tell your mom or complain to your mom that he's not really sure what he is doing with his life, that is what she knows. Just because your mom and dad don't have the most stable marriage emotionally doesn't mean your mom is the dullest knife in the drawer when it comes to other matters. There are couples that fight like cats and dogs because they are so similar to the other one, but they wouldn't have it any other way. She recognizes that your boyfriend is a nice young man - she isn't saying he's horrible. There could be other reasons why that the two of you just seem like unmatched puzzle pieces. My current bf is the only one I have dated where everyone just thinks we are the perfect fit. Mothers ALWAYS worry about their daughter and kids in general.

 

In some ways, I wouldn't worry about what your mom says, but don't demonize her. Looking back, my mom was absolutely right about my longest term ex but I thought she was full of it and she didn't know anything. Or it could be that in time she realizes differently. Opinions are okay.

 

I would not fight your mom and try to "prove" anything to her. Just continue with your BF as long as it makes sense and if someday you find he is not a fit, don't stay just to spite your mom. And if there should come a day you are more serious, i am sure your mom woudl accept him.

[CountryHGirl]

Thank you for your responses, much appreciated!

 

I think you should let it be. You are the one who is going to be living with him and if you are happy, that's what matters. If you tell her "well mom, I know you think he's not right for me, but I am going to be with him anyways" she might start resenting him more and come of with more "reasons" as to why he is not right for you and it may bother you more.

 

I think thats great advice, and ill definitely take that to heart. She IS the type of person to resent him if i go against her.

 

Parents do this. Some do it to the point where they want to control the exact person they want their daughter/son to marry. Some will even go so low as to drop subliminal doubts into your mind to make you think.

 

Block that noise out. Only you know what makes you happy.

 

The subliminal doubts seems spot on. Looking back at the few years of our relationship, she has done this quite a few times. It seems since she IS my mother and knows me well, that she knows how to manipulate me and get me thinking.

 

I don't think that you should automatically think the extreme - that your mom wants a rich, sports playing guy. If your boyfriend seems to be struggling to feed himself, etc, or is not really sure what he wants to do or is kind of drifting around, he may not come accross as stable to your parents. Remember - your parents are not there so can't see how he "looks at you that way". They only see him through the lens you paint, plus brief meetings. If you always tell your mom or complain to your mom that he's not really sure what he is doing with his life, that is what she knows. Just because your mom and dad don't have the most stable marriage emotionally doesn't mean your mom is the dullest knife in the drawer when it comes to other matters. There are couples that fight like cats and dogs because they are so similar to the other one, but they wouldn't have it any other way. She recognizes that your boyfriend is a nice young man - she isn't saying he's horrible. There could be other reasons why that the two of you just seem like unmatched puzzle pieces. My current bf is the only one I have dated where everyone just thinks we are the perfect fit. Mothers ALWAYS worry about their daughter and kids in general.

 

In some ways, I wouldn't worry about what your mom says, but don't demonize her. Looking back, my mom was absolutely right about my longest term ex but I thought she was full of it and she didn't know anything. Or it could be that in time she realizes differently. Opinions are okay.

 

I would not fight your mom and try to "prove" anything to her. Just continue with your BF as long as it makes sense and if someday you find he is not a fit, don't stay just to spite your mom. And if there should come a day you are more serious, i am sure your mom woudl accept him.

 

Id like to say i think my mother is a wise person, and i do value her advice. I know she'll always worry about me, and takes her parenting very seriously. On the hand of relationships though, she is not very smart. She is easily manipulated by younger sttractive men, including my ex boyfriend. One reason why i do not take her relationship advice as seriously is because she STILL thinks my ex is a great guy and has even said she hopes we end up together. My ex was abusive, emotionally and verbally. He was a cheater, exposed me to possible STD's, did drugs, and was an overall unstable guy. I told her all of this and she still thinks that "In his own way he loved you". That doesnt cut it for me. But i definitely see where you are coming from, and i appreciate your advice!

[TearsofFate]

Parents do that. Remember, she only does it cause she loves you. It's her way of saying "I care about you and love you". Maybe she knows she didn't get it right with her husband and doesn't wish that upon you, her daughter. She wants to protect you from a bad relationship (Please don't tell her this, it would be painful and might not be 100% as I am just guessing!) She wants you to have a nice husband.

 

Your still young at 21. I wouldn't write everything in stone just yet. I wouldn't decide marriage just yet, but if you love the guy and he is good to you, be with him! Why not right? She sounds like she's detecting red flags in him, but as long as they are not effecting your health and well being, and are manageable then I would just let your mom be. I don't know your mom or what she is like so it's hard to say why she is saying this other than she cares about you.

 

Think about what's best for you, it's your choice in the end anyway. Just understand that your mom probably means well. Best of luck!

[TearsofFate]

My ex was abusive, emotionally and verbally. He was a cheater, exposed me to possible STD's, did drugs, and was an overall unstable guy. I told her all of this and she still thinks that "In his own way he loved you". That doesnt cut it for me. But i definitely see where you are coming from, and i appreciate your advice!

 

This I think is a bit odd that she supported your ex boyfriend over your own opinion of him. That is very strange indeed. She seems to see what she wants to see perhaps? If I had a daughter and she told me her ex gave her STDs I'd be furious at him and never allow him around her again. I wouldn't support him even if he looked like Mel Gibson (lol) because my daughter would come first.

[abitbroken]

Remember, your mom wasn't in the relationship. My ex was very charming and attentive to my grandparents, cousins, etc, etc, and my mom only figured out his true colors YEARS into the relationship. In fact, non of our friends realized abuse was going on. One friend suspected,but kept quiet feeling it was none of their business. Abusers ARE master manipulators, so its not uncommon for outsiders to think he was great or can't equate it all in their minds.

[CountryHGirl]

This I think is a bit odd that she supported your ex boyfriend over your own opinion of him. That is very strange indeed. She seems to see what she wants to see perhaps? If I had a daughter and she told me her ex gave her STDs I'd be furious at him and never allow him around her again. I wouldn't support him even if he looked like Mel Gibson (lol) because my daughter would come first.

 

Yes thats one of the reasons why i just cant believe what shes saying about my current bf. My dad on the only hand does *seem* to think my ex was a bad guy. Yea he was very charming, and knew how to manipulate my mother. She cared deeply for him