It's Happening All Over Again

[smilieman]

Well, it's time for take 2 of my pathetic life, failing relationship & marriage. In April this year my wife decided that she wanted to separate. No arguments, no nothing. All that was wrong is that I thought was out of work. I was on anti-depressants at the time which killed me and turned me into a virtual zombie. I came off them and then she left. She moved back in June.

 

Since she moved back, my wife and I have been trying to reconcile our marriage. Concentrating on us and not focusing on the issues that split us. She wouldn't talk about them anyway. I came here when we split and I followed the advice I got from people. Using no contact, doing 180's and trying new things. I was building and focusing on me, looking for work and doing up the house. Then on saturday, she told me that she didn't think it was working. I've been posting in the marriage section as I thought that I had messed up, but I guess that now I should post here, as we are almost broken up again. I say almost, as we had a little break-through on saturday and she told me that this is the closest she has felt to me in ages. Not sure whether to hold on to the hope this brings. She feels confused and wants to see what happens in a few weeks I suppose.

 

But I feel weak. So very weak and I realise now that I've been a bit protective and not trusted her 100% since she's been back home. She lied to me so much when she left and her actions were typical for "Walk Away Wife Syndrome". This caused so much doubt and so many others suggested so many times that she was having an affair. I thought this also, but it doesn't matter what I check, I cannot discover anything or prove that this is the case. She tells me no she's not.

 

But, she can't make plans for xmas, or anything else - even the cinema. She feels pressured. She says that when I try to arrange *anything* with her, that she feels like the "walls are closing in" on her. And that's just a response to the question, "what did you want to do on xmas day?". I fear, that this xmas, I will be spending it alone and she will not be here. It seems strange to me that she mentioned splitting again at this time of year. My initial thoughts were, get rid of me & move out before xmas, start life with her new man and start the new year in a new relationship. I mentioned this to her and apparently this is not the case.

 

She says that she has tried, but when I ask her what she has tried, she replies that she has thought about stuff. That's it. She will not speak to me or anybody else to get her head straight. There's so much that has happened over the years that has made us both put up barriers; long-term illness, terminations, loss of work, debt, nearly losing the house, etc. She handled a lot of it last year and I think that this has changed the way she sees me.

 

She says she loves me, but not in the same way that she used to. She says she cares for me - ouch. Always an ouch on that one. We have both made many assumptions and acted on those, incorrectly. I know that she needs to start working through the stuff that needs working through, both together and alone. But it needs to be spoken about. I know it does, but she won't. Having said that we spoke about bits on the weekend. But, I don't want to keep speaking about the stuff as that will be all we speak about when we are together and she'll think I'm picking. So how do I talk without this. How do I keep bringing stuff up, without her thinking that I'm going on and on - which I will be?

 

This time, I really, really don't think I can handle this. This is the second time that I feel I'm being kicked in the gut while I'm down. Perhaps this time, I'll stay down. I have had some great advice from the marriage forum, but since the turn of events this is where I now belong - again Such a shame.

 

Any advice would be greatly welcomed.

 

~ S

[Day88]

But, she can't make plans for xmas, or anything else - even the cinema. She feels pressured. She says that when I try to arrange *anything* with her, that she feels like the "walls are closing in" on her. And that's just a response to the question, "what did you want to do on xmas day?". I fear, that this xmas, I will be spending it alone and she will not be here.

 

This isn't fair. Your trying to make the effort and she's not. How can people work on things and move forward if they can't do things together.

 

I feel for you mate, this situation sounds awful. Not so much advice but have you tried relationship counseling? Or would this fall into the 'walls closing in on her' category. I've never been married so I'm not claiming to know any answers buddy but I do hope things get better for you.

[FrenchFries]

Have the two of you tried counseling?

[smilieman]

Counselling's a no go. Tried at the start and she didn't want to. Had the appointment set and she didn't show up. I think the issue is that splitting is the path of least resistance. It's more painful for her to get in touch with her feelings perhaps?

[smilieman]

I don't "hack" anything. I'm afraid that I respect privacy, although I don't like being lied to. So, no checking e-mails (event though I can discreetly) and no checking phone records. She wouldn't be so lapse though anyway.

 

I just wish I knew what my next move was. I'm not sure whether to just let her get on with what she needs to get on with, or try to build on our relationship since her announcement that she's confused and it was the closest she's felt to me for ages. That was on the same day that she said that she wanted to split again. So, she clearly isn't thinking straight. My heart goes out to her actually, in a funny kind of way, because I know that she needs to get herself sorted and talk through stuff, but she doesn't know how to talk.

 

So, I'm still just playing things by ear and trying to suss out how I can shift this whole scenario onto a different playing field (no games though), so that our entire thought process is different about each other.