Don't break NC - here is why..

[blueyedblonde]

Because I did last week after I was doing so well.

 

I did that stupid thing where I made it seem as though I meant to text someone else. He wrote back immediately that I had the wrong person. I then text asking him if his area code is from another area of the state and said "oh how funny, this number is almost identical to yours." He text me something stupid. I said "Oh ok. btw, my family wants to know what your china pattern is, so we can send you a gravy boat." (when he ended our contact this last time, he made up a lot of things, including he was getting engaged. out of no where. he's a d**k) He then sent me a pic of his brand new sports car and a message with it that said "I am engaged to my new car." I said nothing. I'm not impressed... but,

 

of course dispointed in myself at that point I contacted him so foolishly. Two weeks prior, he text me regarding a matter we had to discuss and I answered him hours later, but said nothing more. Two days later, I got a happy thanksgiving text. I didnt respond. For awhile, I thought it might be a mass text. I was even told here and by others, it might be a mass text. So...

 

..after he sent the pic of the car.. a little while later I said I wished his son a Merry Christmas and if he just takes me out of his contacts, I wouldnt get his mass texts. He text back "I dont send mass texts."

 

So, seems the one on Thanksgiving was to me. But, so what. I thought it meant something.. but, it took good friends to point out it's nothing. That man is not on my front doorstep telling me he misses me. He's not even calling.

 

I guess I just dont get how one week, he is contacting me... but, two weeks later, when I reach out and ask him to tell his family happy holidays from me.. he wont even write back that he will tell them. This is a man in his 40's!

 

I regret breaking NC for such an a**h**e. The man never did a thing for me, except cause me pain. I would have been feeling better about all of this, had I not reached out, especially so silly. But of course, I was missing him and wanted to hear anything.

 

But DON'T do it. Real sincere people dont need to be coaxed. They do on their own. I'm happy I'm dating mature men these days. I only wish I felt nothing about my ex at all. I don't even know why I do. I wish that could be explained to me.

[ParisPaulette]

Very good advice and one that most of us here sadly have gone against at one time or another. It does get easier as you go along provided you maintain NC long enough to get past the hurt and hoping they'll change stage to the point where you are simply indifferent to the past and see them clearly for what they are. And decide that there's no way you'll ever let this person near you again regardless of what they say or do.

 

About the thanksgiving text your ex sounds like he's just on a fishing expedition to make sure you're still on the hook in case he needs a fallback girl. Or else he just gets off on setting you up to knock you down. Narcissists and sociopaths do actually enjoy causing pain and since your ex sounds suspiciously alot like the man I left I'd wager he does indeed enjoy hurting people. My ex managed to reel me in then hurt me when I was most vulnerable for 6 years until the day I pulled the plug for good and blocked him from everthing but trying to call me via different numbers.Those were easy to ignore too since I never answer my phone from unlisted numbers and I simply deleted voice messages once I heard his voice. Why listen to more BS after all. I would heartily recommend you do the same if at all possible. It really is so much easier maintaining NC and keeping out of reach if they just can't get to you via electronic means. And please, please stop texting this guy for heavens sake. You will never get a rational answer to anything he has done, because bluntly speaking he's not a rational individual.

 

And the reason these types of relationships are so hard is likely because they are master manipulators who know how to paint the very picture you most want to see. It's really hard to let go of that false idea, but please keep in mind it is a false front. If your ex were really like the person he initially portrayed himself as being there wouldn't be all the pain and game playing and just plain weirdnesses that have happened. I know, I've been there with an ex that I am very certain now is a sociopath. He could be extremely charming and attentive and loving, so long as he wanted something from me or others. But if he didn't or he felt he'd been insulted he'd turn cold and hateful on the drop of a pin. I now realize normal, sane emotionally and mentally healthy people don't do that.

 

As to his sending you a pic of his "new car" in all truth you don't even know if that is really his car. People like the guy you describe your ex as being, who sounds alot like my ex, are notorious liars. He may well have simply snapped a pic of some random car that he saw with the weird idea that somehow it would make you jealous/show you was successful without you/fill in the blank on the weird thought process these types of people seem to possess. That normal people don't. Just like he said he was getting married to0 and now denies it. Liar much? LOL I found out my ex lied about nearly everything to me including his education, his family, his job--i.e. everything. I was really fooled for a long time until I'd managed to maintain NC long enough to move past the hurt and hoping he'd change to seeing him clearly and realizing it was all lies.

 

Just keep maintaining NC, stay busy and occupy yourself with other thoughts, read up on narcissistic and sociopath personalities and I think you'll find yourself over time being glad the ex is no longer in your life. And that you'll not want to let him back in at all if he shows back up thinking he can control you yet again. If need be write down on every crazy, weird, hurtful thing he ever did to you. Then when he texts/calls/knocks on your door or whatever means he chooses to contact you by pull out the list and read it again BEFORE you respond. It helps loads and it was one of the best things I ever did for maintaining NC. Stay strong and have a happy, safe holiday. This too will pass.

[blueyedblonde]

thank you ParisPaulette. well, I read what you wrote awhile ago. unfortunately, i fell back a little over a week ago and come up with some lame reason to reach out. i was in that mode where, i wanted to have any communication, even if it was bad, or initiated by me. of course, i later regreted it. i always did anytime i did that in the past. so, it's been over a week since i did that. to be honest, this week went well for me, as far as keeping the focus off him. i kept busy.

 

it's funny you mention the words narcissit and sociopath. these terms have been recurring when it comes to this man. whether i was doing reading of my own on his actions and that's what i came up with.. or, someone else was pointing them out too, as you did. i have thought this about him for quite some time now. the man has even have near death experiences and i hoped that they would have woken him up to change. not so. and obviously not my concern or business. i am even amazed at myself that i wanted so badly to be back with a man who does not have a conscience. it's sooooo not who i am or what i'm about. but, as i mentioned.. when we were good (although the bad outweighed the good) we were really good...and so, to be rejected by him (twice now) was a blow. of course, it's my own fault that i was rejected by him the second time. i do understand that. there was a part of me, that wanted so much to believe that he was back, because he truly saw he missed me and made a mistake in hurting me.

 

a personality of this type, (narcissit, sociopath) will TELL YOU that you are the reason, you are to blame.. for them cheating, leaving, etc. they will heap all the blame and responsibility onto you. never admiting wrong doing. even when he was trying to come back this time, he said things like "yeah, i know i was an a**h*le." But never came back and said "you're the woman I want to be with." i was just hoping those words would come. by the time i realized i was really hoping for that, he had already told me he was seeing other women, didnt want a commited relationship with me, that we would "see where it goes" and then he was gone. i mean, faster than fast. weeks.

 

One day, i had gotten very upset. (crying).. after telling me he was dating other woman, i overreacted one day when he wanted to take me home and had mentioned it a couple of times. I became fearful he wanted to take me home because he was going to see another woman. I did overreact a little. But he installed that.. with what he did to me years ago. He "couldnt handle it" and broke it off soon after. A real man... a secure man, a loving man, who wasnt using me, would have reassured me that he was going to gain my trust back.... no??? Isnt that how it's supposed to go?? Granted, we were just seeing one another again and both dating other people.... however unlike him, i didnt make it a point to tell him. it was like he told me, to hurt me. To inflict pain. I figured he was probably seeing women, but I didnt want to hear about it. If we got more serious, it just would have. Although, i tell myself too that if we would to try again, he would have had to invest in me. In us. Not in telling me he was dating around.

 

A man I loved.. very much...and I was some back-up plan. It was and still is the most hurtful event of my life, other than the death of my father...and even writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. I dont have it in me, to use someone like that.