My Mom Annoys Me- Need Insight On What To Do

[WhenWillILove]

For the most part of my life, my mother has been extremely overprotective of me. She wanted to be involved in anything and everything. She was also very controlling.

At 17, she insisted I drive the car for an entire year with her in it so she could make sure I learn how to drive properly. When 4 months later I took out the car and drove on my own, my mom freaked out, started screaming, and called me irresponsible.

 

Going out in college was a major issue. When friends would invite me to a party that started at 11, my mom would literally cry and beg me not to go. She'd resort to yelling and so I'd stay. I later learned the best way was to lie to her. Say I had a party at 11. I'd leave the house at 7, study in a cafe, then go to the party. She'd call like crazy, begging me to come home, and I would come home, just really late. I used this tactic repeatedly because there was no way I would ever do things at night if it was up to her. Eventually, she loosened up a bit but not too much.

 

When I started dating at 20, she also had a major issue. The dating wasn't anything serious- 2, 3 dates at most. But she'd pry like crazy- "Did he kiss you? You don't allow him to kiss you, you get that?" One time, I left at 12 PM and came home at 9 PM that day. She harassed me, "Did you have sex with him? Why did you stay 9 hours at this apartment? You must have had sex with him! Tell me now!"

 

At 22, when I started dating my boyfriend, it got worse. After 2 months, I started having sex...which meant, I didn't come home some nights. When I'd come home in the morning, she'd look at me disappointingly. She also pried into my sex life excessively. She very much made it known to me she disapproved of my behavior by stating, "When I was your age, I was good. I didn't involve myself with men like you have." I felt horrible.

 

Now, I haven't seen her in 4 months but am coming back my Christmas break. I want to spend it with my boyfriend for the most part. Is that wrong? I told her I wouldn't be staying so often at her place and she got upset. She also said, "Well, won't he interfere with your studying? He'll keep you up all night having sex."

 

I have very little patience talking to her on the phone.

 

Don't get me wrong. My mother does everything for me....sometimes, too much. She comments on what I should eat, how she's never happy with the way I clean the place, what I should wear, etc.

 

I feel horrible at times for not wanting or missing my mother. Anybody relate to me? Any books I can read to better understand myself psychologically? I feel like God will punish me sooner or later. I also feel like a horrible daughter.

[OptomisticGirl]

Wow... have you asked her why she has this major thing against sex? Fine, no one wants their daughter to have sex at a young age but it happens - but your mom kind of gives the feelers like she's super religious or something happened to her in the past and she's completely against it. Are you an only child?

 

i don't think your mom will change but you need to stand up to her when it comes down to her invading your space and making you feel horrible.

[RitaTrue]

Wow... have you asked her why she has this major thing against sex? Fine, no one wants their daughter to have sex at a young age but it happens - but your mom kind of gives the feelers like she's super religious or something happened to her in the past and she's completely against it. Are you an only child?

 

i don't think your mom will change but you need to stand up to her when it comes down to her invading your space and making you feel horrible.

 

I was having similar thoughts. Only not about the sex part, per se, just about your mom's overall nature. I have the feeling that her own family background was chaotic, potentially abusive (I'm just surmising), and being so prying is possibly a way for her to feel in control again. If something like that IS the case, then she's probably been a control freak for years. Years of learning maladaptive habits, takes about an equal number of years to break. They wont be broken overnight. And they won't end in one day.

 

On one hand, standing up to your mother, initially will start hell in your household. A molten lava of hell. If you have a soft backbone, that tactic probably wont be for you. But if you think you can manage it--repeatedly--your mother may soften her stance some.

 

In the end, it'd behoove you to start stashing up your own money. Cause your mom isn't going to dramatically change because of you. If you want to see a new change, you'll need a change of scenery--or in other words, Move Out--when you're able to.