Just cant figure out what happened...

[lostandhrtbrkn]

So we'd been dating for 13 months. At first, I was very against the commitment thing, but eventually he really got me into it. I was in love, so was he. We said things we never should have... "Forever", "Always", "love of my life"... He said he'd never been so happy in his entire life and it was all because of me. I told him the same. He said i was the best thing that every happened to him. Everything was great. We were both finishing up our Bachelor's degrees, living so close to one another, and practically living together by 7 months. The summer came and we were only really 45 mins away from eachother, but we worked a lot. Still, we made it work. There were a few little bumps, but we had an incredible summer. This September, he left for grad school and so did I. We're both in pretty demanding programs... me in medicine and him in teaching. We were okay for a bit, but I could tell, he was stressing. He couldn't handle it. I never said anything, but really my life had so much stress going on... I'm dealing with chronic illness (nothing grave, but constant tests and diagnostics and surgeries on the horizon) and with family things and with the pressure of med school. He had teacher's college. But he found it too much. It was him that couldn't make time for calls, or visits, or whatever. I think he may have started resenting me for not being as understanding as I should have... I was focussing on school, you know? But I'd go visit and he'd come down here. After all it was only an hour drive for him and a couple hours transit for me... I started screwing up exams because I'd schedule our weekends together for what worked best for him, but not for me... I told him I wasn't happy, maybe we should end it, we had to be selfish, but he drove down here and begged for me back. Just from looking at him, I knew we were worth fighting for. We were so in love, so happy, so short a time ago. We'd get it back. I thought we were. Still for the two weeks following, he'd say things like "I love you forever", "I never want to be without you", etc, etc. Then he started distancing. Over a few days, he started making excuses not to talk, not to text me back, getting upset over me asking for one call over the course of three days... just ten minutes of his time... it was too much. I was dealing with so much stress. I told him he was pulling away and I thought it was ending. He said it was, he'd been thinking it for a few days, and that he wasn't in love with me anymore and that it was for the best for him personally and for my life as an individual that we end it. Over the couple of days during our break up, I begged him to reconsider. I told him I was still in love with him. He said no... he thought I was the love of his life, but he was mistaken. He said that he had been saying it for the past couple of months just to convince himself. I knew him better than anyone, and I can't stand to believe that. He was so genuine. He was so happy, and so in love. It was hard being apart for long chunks of time, but when we were together, it was magical. He said the breaking point was a passive aggressive message I sent him a day before, commenting on how he didn't want to talk and wouldn't respond. I deleted them all but I think i joked sarcastically about us having nothing but trivial conversation left between us. He wont talk to me. He hasn't talked to his best friends. They have no idea what's going on. I'm worried for him, and worried for myself. It's been three weeks, and I can't get him off my mind, but from what I've heard, he's making it look easy. I'm dying inside and I want him so badly. I'm trying to delete him out of my life entirely, but there are so many reminders. I'm still on the campus where we went to undergrad together. I see my and his old place every day on my walk to school. I see where we first exchanged I love yous, where he first asked me out, the place of our first kiss, first date. I can't deal with it. I just want a reason but I can't pester him. Please... any insight would be wonderful.

 

Thanks

[LDRohnos]

I think you need to look at the very beginning of this relationship. What your gut was telling you then. You said you weren't ready for a committed, serious relationship and I think everything that has culminated since then just reinforced that what your gut was telling you then was exactly right. Your plate was full with schoolwork and getting your life in order and you knew deep down that neither of you were capable of juggling both a relationship and your education. If there's anything I've taken from relationships it's that you should always listen to what your gut is telling you at the very start. If you ignore it and plod on anyway you'll usually regret it.

 

He seems like he's suffering from depression. Usually when someone makes outlandish comments at the beginning of a relationship such as ""Forever", "Always", "love of my life"... He said he'd never been so happy in his entire life and it was all because of me." is usually someone who is desperate for SOMETHING happy in their life. I think co-dependency became a serious issue.

 

Don't look for closure here, just accept that the relationship is over. I know it isn't easy to do and at first it will be seemingly impossible but it will get better in time. Keep yourself busy with schoolwork/exercise/reading/whatever interests you and use that energy towards rebuilding yourself rather than pining over what could have been and what should have been.

 

I would move on from this and re-focus yourself on your studies and your future. Just remember the next time your gut is screaming at you, listen to it.

[lostandhrtbrkn]

Thank you so much for your response.

 

At the beginning, I was worried about committing. It wasn't because of school or family or health or whatever... I just remember I was scared. But he made me feel safe. He showed me that being in love was the best feeling in the world. He fell fast... 4 months. But he was my first love. I waited until a month or so after he said it to respond, and I really truly meant it with all my heart. We brought each other into our lives, our families, and ourselves. He was my first everything, and he waited so long, until I was ready to commit to him in different ways. I told him it could be forever, and he didn't care. But eventually, I looked at him and I really knew that he was so special, that he was a guy I could spend the rest of my life with. The guy I WANTED to spend the rest of my life with. He said the same. He felt the same. He was in tears over the fact that we couldn't move in together because of my four year commitment to school and my respect for my parents beliefs and traditions. He was okay with it. It was us against the world, and we'd figure it out. Everything was going so well. Little fights here and there caused by the stresses of distance - yeah, sure. But ultimately, we were happy when we were together. Happy when we were apart, too, it just took a little more effort. But then this. How do I let it go when I don't even know what happened? I am the type of person to overthink things. I guess it comes with the science background and the need to understand everything, always. I can't just shut my mind off. Sometimes, I wish I could. Ignorance is bliss right? But I can't shut my mind off, and I'm starting to learn that I can't shut my heart off either. I want him back. Do I try? Is it worth it? Sure there are plenty of people out there, and hey, I may find someone exactly the same or someone better. But in this moment, isn't love the type of thing worth fighting for? If there's even a sliver of a chance that he's the man I belong with, shouldn't I fight? I know it sounds immature and naive and stupid. I'm 21 years old for God's sakes. I want to travel the world, work abroad, do good things on a global scale. He wants to do the same eventually, but he's done school in a few months and I'm stuck here for years. It's unreasonable, which should be reason enough to give up, but it's just not... not for me.... not right now.

[woodsrose10]

I think you need to look at the very beginning of this relationship. What your gut was telling you then. You said you weren't ready for a committed, serious relationship and I think everything that has culminated since then just reinforced that what your gut was telling you then was exactly right....Just remember the next time your gut is screaming at you, listen to it.

 

I once heard, "Trust your gut instinct, because no matter what, it's always right." And you know what? That's 100% true.

[lostandhrtbrkn]

It's been more than a year that I was with him. Right now my gut is screaming that I love him and need him and that he's the best thing that I've ever let into my life and did so much good for me. I'd follow my gut instinct but I can't because I've texted him twice last week with no response, there's nothing else I can do without pushing him more away or running the risk of hurting him, which is the last thing I want to do. My gut is saying something different now. That's what the body and the instinct does, it adapts and learns and now I feel so different than I did one year ago, as I'm sure most people would. A year ago, I wasn't in love. Today, I am devastated because I still am...

[lostandhrtbrkn]

I talked to him over the phone regarding a party that he was supposed to attend here in town with my friends, the people he became close with last year. He told his one buddy that he wanted to come but was worried it'd be too much for me, so I wanted to clarify that I thought it might be good to give us the opportunity to say bye in person. The whole break up was over the phone and we never saw each other face to face, I just figured it might be good to look at each other in person and fully digest that the other one was not going to be there in that capacity anymore. Anyways, he made up a bogus excuse, which I later found out to be a lie, and was very eager to rush off the phone. We agreed that we'd meet sometime soon to get the in person closure we deserve. I asked him if he thought I should expect to understand his reasoning and acquire a sufficient explanation for this whole thing, and he said yes, that he'd give me that much when he saw me. The way it's worked in the past is if there is ever any said or unsaid conflict between us, as soon as we see each other in person, the magic is back and we're in love again. It will have been a month come next week. Is it too late to hope for that? Is it too late to expect to see him and for him to crumble and want us back? I'd kill for that. To have him back, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to expect that. I mean if we're both in the same room, if we hug, and look into each others' eyes, will we even be able to help it? I know he said that he fell out of love with me and I know I said the same thing, but won't seeing each other reinforce the fact that we ought to try to get that back? I mean, a month ago, he still was saying that he couldn't live without me... should I expect differently now that it's been this long without talking really (we had two conversations: the first was when I tried to tell him we ought to fight again, and he said it wasn't for the best, and the second was the one we had a couple of days ago which was short, and very above the surface, regarding the party)....

 

Thoughts?

[curiocity]

Sorry to hear. Do you think you are being clingy? You say you are passionately in love. And that can be scary for the other person even if he once said he loved you. When things go bad, people start wondering if something crazier is going on. So I think you should politely cease contact, and by that I mean instead of sending an angry text declaring your intention, you just back off for now. Give him space and time. When things settle down and time has passe, maybe both will get clarity. And in that clarity if he still doesnt want you then you have to accept that. By that time hopefully you have got your feet on the ground.