Ex just contacted me.. what now?

[Tussin]

So after about a month of light contact, and then another two and a half months of no contact, my ex who dumped me, just sent me a message asking me how Im doing and what I've been up to lately.

 

Im in a good light-hearted mood right now. In the interest of "Getting Back Together", Im willing to take a chance and see what might happen here. Maybe whatever happens is no big deal.. That is the mood I am in right now..

 

Although the only thing I would not be in the mood for is mind games, the kind where I wind up in a bad mood and with no date at my Holiday Parties this year. I mean no date with anybody because I got taken down a garden path.

 

So what course of action should I take, including should I even respond back to her message?

 

Thanks much

[e30fan]

I think it all depends on how much you've been able to detach yourself from the relationship. Respond amicably, but look for a different date!

[octour]

She dumped you? It's an ego stroke. Don't send her anything, sleep on it then rub some 'tussin on it'.

[LDRohnos]

If you really want to, just say "I'm fine."

 

You responded and if she wants anything more than that, she'll respond in kind. As e30fan said though, don't put all your apples in this basket. If you still harbor resentment towards her or any ill feelings, I would probably just ignore the text entirely.

[aerobfa]

If she dumped you and its only been 2.5 months, I would ignore it. Just like octour said, its an ego stroke to see if you will still jump for her. Don't respond. She ill most likely ignore your response and you will feel like an idiot for sending it. Best action is to do nothing and make her wonder. She dumped you, remember. Was the breakup bad and was there anyone else involved during and after the breakup?

[Thorshammer]

You can reach out, just dont be desperate. She doesnt know what you have been doing in 2 months, for all she knows you can be dating someone. Just be careless and cool.

[bdbmwer]

If she dumped you and its only been 2.5 months, I would ignore it. Just like octour said, its an ego stroke to see if you will still jump for her. Don't respond. She ill most likely ignore your response and you will feel like an idiot for sending it. Best action is to do nothing and make her wonder. She dumped you, remember. Was the breakup bad and was there anyone else involved during and after the breakup?

 

the problem i have with this way of thinking is that if hes truly detached and in the mindset he should be which is not really caring then whatever effect it has on this girl be it ego stroke or whatever should not matter. He is playing his part of keeping the door open and showing that hes healed and emotionally stable by replying short and nice.This is why NC is rly about healing yourself and not a ploy to get an ex back, if hes ready then I see no reason to continue but maybe dont initiate any convos.

 

anyways I think a "im doing well thanks for asking" would suffice or whatever you choose along those lines

[EgoJoe]

Don't respond, dude. Not to this one.

[littlestar]

I guess it depends on the reasons why the relationship ended and how you really feel about things now. If this issues/reasons that broke your relationship up with her to start with are still there then there's no reason to revive this.

[Melting]

Only you can ultimately deceide what you want to do and each situation is different.

 

Mine reached out to me, initially I ignored, then light contact.... then he started saying everything that I wanted to hear, giving me hope.....6 weeks into it all, turns out it was all merely .......... breadcrumbs and now he is gone from my life again.

[jumper11]

Just don't put all your eggs in a basket like everyone's saying. My ex DID come back - they usually completely come back too late, as was my case. Then now I've gone back to him - 5 or 6 months ago. Breakup was a year ago.

 

FIVE months of what HE calls 'going slow'. When in reality this is stalling. So even if things are in your favour - its a long road ahead and be prepared for it.

 

So far from what your ex has written - please don't be too hopeful. It takes more than that - your ex hasn't shown much yet at all.

[Nick Lansing]

I would take my time responding ( a couple days or so) and respond in a vague manner... aomething like "I'm doing fine, thanks. Getting ready for the holidays. Hope all's well with you."

 

I wouldn't ask how she's doing. This contact is a good sign, but don't set yourself up for disappointment by asking for a response that may not come.

 

I will say that every reconciliation opportunity I've had started kind of like this, but don't read too much into it. She's dipping her toe in, but that doesn't mean she's seriously thinking of diving into the water. Play it very cool...

[Tussin]

Oh.. I have mixed feelings now. Not sure how to pick up the reigns.. wondering where she wants to go with this - thats for sure..

 

So thanks for your replies.

 

I did respond to her with something similar to what bdbmwer suggested. But instead of "im doing well thanks for asking", I wrote "Im doing well thanks for asking. And you?"

 

Her reply was brief. She said she was getting used to this new phase in her career, since August, when she was transferred (military), and had to move to another state. She said she might try to become a nurse.

 

That was it. I replied back with something like: "Cool, sounds like you are doing your thing."

 

But where is this conversation going? (Why is she contacting me?) Where can I take this conversation?

 

hmm..

[winniethepooh]

So after about a month of light contact, and then another two and a half months of no contact, my ex who dumped me, just sent me a message asking me how Im doing and what I've been up to lately.

Nice of her. But if she wants to get back together, then it's a pretty weak attempt, and more likely to be just a poke to see if you're still in her world.

 

Im in a good light-hearted mood right now. In the interest of "Getting Back Together", Im willing to take a chance and see what might happen here. Maybe whatever happens is no big deal.. That is the mood I am in right now..

And how stable is your mood? If you're interested in getting back together, try not to take relatively pointless chances.

 

Although the only thing I would not be in the mood for is mind games,

Yeah, we all say that

 

the kind where I wind up in a bad mood and with no date at my Holiday Parties this year. I mean no date with anybody because I got taken down a garden path.

Find a date with someone else that's more reliable then.

 

So what course of action should I take, including should I even respond back to her message?

Don't respond or just keep it neutral - say something like "Fine, hope you're well too." Don't ask questions.

 

I did respond to her with something similar to what bdbmwer suggested. But instead of "im doing well thanks for asking", I wrote "Im doing well thanks for asking. And you?"

 

Her reply was brief. She said she was getting used to this new phase in her career, since August, when she was transferred (military), and had to move to another state. She said she might try to become a nurse.

Ok, well at least she replied. But she didn't give you any useful information, just stuff that will probably set your head spinning wondering if it means anything.

 

That was it. I replied back with something like: "Cool, sounds like you are doing your thing."

Ok, fair enough reply. Now continue to leave her alone.

 

But where is this conversation going? (Why is she contacting me?) Where can I take this conversation?

See, now your head is spinning .

 

You can try to take the conversation a number of directions, none of which are helpful to you at present if you want to get back together. Well, except for one. You could say something like you're a bit confused, why is she contacting you, and if she wants to talk about the relationship, well, you can't read her mind so she needs to be clearer. But I think that's a bad idea, that is more likely to reinforce any idea that she has that you are sitting around waiting and hoping that she might want to try again.

 

I think you're better off to do nothing, see if she splutters anything else, and keep working on moving on without her in the meantime.

[winniethepooh]

Oh.. I have mixed feelings now. Not sure how to pick up the reigns.. wondering where she wants to go with this - thats for sure..

Ok, I just read some of your original story.

 

hmm..

Yeah. Hmmmm is right.

 

So you and her met, got on great, she wanted you to marry her, you didn't, then you did but she got drunk and stood you up, then she asked if you wanted to break up but you said no, then she started disconnecting from you. I'm not sure at which point it became clear that you and her had broken up, and who left who. Then there was an ex boyfriend who reappeared on the scene for her but that didn't go anywhere, or you're not sure.

 

I think for now then, remain neutral with your texts but don't ignore her. It's possible you both want to communicate better and get back together but neither of you know how to do this. NC is not helpful in this case then IMHO. You need to figure out if you do want to get back together with her, and then find a way to get past the trivial text messages and games that I think you are both playing, and communicate properly with her.

 

See this kind of thing you posted in another thread is confusing me, so I bet she, and you, are confused.

 

unfortunately I am sending mixed messages, because on my facebook I posted something to the effect that I value good communication, and that was really done out of frustration and in reaction to the "bread crumb" text messages she sends me a handful of times a week. "So, how's your day going?" "whatcha been up to?" stuff like that.

I will read some more to see if I can figure out the dynamics of the actual break-up, since I think that makes a big difference. Or if you know what they were, add a clarification here. Basically, without going into a whole bunch of detail, who left who and why?

[bdbmwer]

gonna have to agree with winnie here its probably better to leave any serious relationship questions out for now as shes not investing very much into the convo . reason i left out the "you?" is for this reason it makes it so that youre then leading the conversation and that shes able to reply with just an answer. leaving that our puts the burden on her to continue the convo and invest more. dont worry though everything didnt sound too bad id say you welcomed future contact and to just leave it be till she pokes around again and try not to analyze too much what she said as it doesnt appear to really mean anything at face value.

 

as to where the convo was going? nowhere my friend seems shes just testing the waters as everyone suggest

[winniethepooh]

gonna have to agree with winnie here its probably better to leave any serious relationship questions out for now as shes not investing very much into the convo .

I expect you posted that in response to my first reply. But what do you think about my follow up reply? I am not certain my original response is appropriate after reading some of the history. I'll come back to this later.

[bdbmwer]

youre correct I was replying to your first response. after reading the 2nd one well wow things just got much more confusing with the stand up and ex bf and all. Id say its worth knowing how relevant he is and whether hes still part of the picture. and that yea a bit more info would definitely help. But as far as communication goes I still think given that shes reached out to him multiple times with breadcrumbs and such that he should still do No Initiated Contact. she will most likely continue her trend. Keep your responses short and try to make here carry the convo as I said because YOU are now the prize and she should have to work for it. If this unmeaningful communication carries on for too long though I would say there does come a point where you ask her purpose and state your stance.

[winniethepooh]

Ok, I read through everything (well, almost) from the beginning.

 

August 2011 first topic.

 

You got past some significant life hurdles (cancer, death of father), and were focused on your career.

 

You met her, things went well, albeit rapidly. She got posted elsewhere, wanted to get married. You were reluctant (understandably - only a couple of months into the relationship) but wanted to keep going with an LDR. I do think there's a red flag here by the way, that you should take into consideration.

 

She got emotionally distant. You wanted to make a commitment of some sort, she stood you up at last meeting before she left and got drunk with some buddies instead. Then asked if you wanted to break up with her. You said no. This behavior is also a potential red flag, but sometimes people just mess up and we shouldn't be too quick to judge them.

 

Then LDR but not going well. Or not going at all? You were meant to go and see her, she met an ex-boyfriend but didn't reconnect, but result was you didn't go to see her, and somewhere amongst the conversations and tears, you and her broke up. I still don't get how exactly.

 

You and her still communicate sporadically. You still look at each other's FB page (you should stop that). She seems to be heartbroken but unwilling or unable to communicate clearly. You don't know what's going on. You don't know if you want to reconcile.

 

I have a question. Is it just an odd coincidence that she ends up being posted to where her ex lives? Or have I misunderstood something there?

 

Next topic you say this.

 

So my recent ex (she dumped me because she realized she still had feelings for her ex)

Ok, that wasn't clear to me from your first topic. And to be honest, even after this comment from you it's still not clear to me from your first topic. Is it possible she thought she had been dumped, and then connected with her ex after she moved to her new posting?

 

But on the inside, I know that this is not NO Contact. I am interested in a reconciliation some day, but the way I see it, since she dumped me, she is going to have to take the step first. And indeed since she is trying to text me I take that to mean she still has feelings for me.

See, this is where things might be confusing. Does she know what you are doing and what your expectations are?

 

Does she know that she dumped you and has to take the first step?

 

Is her continued effort to contact you an attempt to take the first step on her part?

 

Yes I have already been out with different women and there have been photos of me and them on Facebook already, which I would do as a single guy.

If she is looking at your FB page, then that sends a fairly clear message that you are trying to move on.

 

Then, next topic you say this...

 

Since she broke up with me in order to get back together with her ex (by the way that was real short lived so I hear.) I'm thinking I was used in a rebound relationship for months and I am continuing to be used with every interaction I have with this girl.

Hmmmm ....

 

But eventually you got money refunded for a plane ticket. And you comment that ...

 

But it appears that she isnt all games here.

 

And now we're into September and you say ...

 

I really dont have a clear idea of why we broke up. Is that important? And also I never sent her a note that said I was fine with the breakup and maybe we could be friends at some point. Should I have done that when I sent the stuff, and should I send her a short letter that says that, now that we are 5 weeks post breakup?

Ah. I'm glad I'm not the only who's not clear on what happened. Yes, I think it is important. I suspect if you're not clear, and I'm not clear, then it's quite possible she's not clear either.

 

I hear a lot about No Contact, but I am wondering, at what point, if she texts me again and again, would I break the no-contact if it seems like she is looking for a reconciliation?

And in answer to that question, reconciliation requires communication from both people, not just one. Your problem is trying to figure out if she wants to reconcile or not. Given that the break up was confusing, I suspect everything else since then is also confusing.

 

She sends me the oddest texts of photos of her with a sad "I am crying inside" look on her face, with the words "Im all messed up inside". But no offering of an explanation or an apology for her behavior.

Does she know what she is expected to apologise for?

 

unfortunately I am sending mixed messages, because on my facebook I posted something to the effect that I value good communication, and that was really done out of frustration and in reaction to the "bread crumb" text messages she sends me a handful of times a week. "So, how's your day going?" "whatcha been up to?" stuff like that. She keeps snooping around but I dont tell her much.

Well, if you think you're sending mixed messages, how on earth do you expect her to see them clearly?

 

It seems, to me anyways, that she is looking to cushion her guilt.

Maybe. Guilt about what though?

 

Then again I know she can be very introverted at times and may not feel safe revealing her true feelings.

Also maybe. Especially if you are sending mixed messages. And so maybe this is as good as you're going to get from her under the circumstances ...

She said that she was going to call to find out about her stuff, and to see how I was doing..

Some comments that stood out to me from other topics ...

 

Also, I never told her that I was fine with the breakup, and I dont know if it is too late to say that now.

It doesn't seem like you are fine with the breakup. This comment in itself is probably pointless in relaying to her now, but I wonder what other information she doesn't have that you think she does?

 

My friends interpret her behavior as she wants to initiate a possible reconciliation (in her own quirky way), if she feels it is safe emotionally for her to come out of her shell. (She was the dumper)

How does that comment sit with you? Your friends possibly know her better than we do.

 

Also I really interpreted it as she just wanted to get rid of the guilt she was carrying for dumping me.

It's still not clear to me that she dumped you. Does she know she dumped you?

 

I do know one thing for sure. She trashed our relationship, and her plan to rekindle her relationship with her ex before me fell through too. Now she is totally single. It seems like a real train wreck.

Well, if you think that, then why are you continuing to communicate with her. That to me sounds like you have no interest in reconciliation, in which case, leave her alone. If she continues to bother you, tell her to leave you alone but also tell her clearly why you don't want to reconcile.

 

October you seem to be dwelling upon FaceBook pictures. Ugh. Bloody Facebook. I didn't read those topics.

 

Then you seem to be back to considering reconciliation, and wondering about sending a note about agreeing to the break-up.

 

Well I am wondering if it is in fact important to send some note like this, for the purpose of opening the door for a reconciliation.

 

In my case, I never discussed anything with my ex, never tried to get her to confess her reasons for the breakup, and I believe she might think I am REALLY mad at her, when in fact now that two months have passed, I am not that mad, but still confused about certain things.

 

Now that weeks have gone by, is it too late to send her a note like that?

Why do you think she might think you are mad at her?

 

By the way, don't send the note now if you haven't. If you have, forget about it. I didn't read the rest of the topic to find out.

 

In November you say ...

 

Sometimes I think that my ex is a dummy and a stooge for breaking up with me because I know that we were both really happy when we were together..

I'm still wondering if she thinks she dumped you.

 

But anyway, you go on to say things are looking good for you, which is good to hear ...

 

I have a lot on my plate and have not really been out looking for someone new to date, but with the holidays coming up, and some parties to attend, it would be nice to get moving again. Meanwhile, although I do still think about my ex, it is with less intensity each day.

Except you posted it in the Getting Back Together forum .

 

And now we're back to your latest topic about your ex contacting you. So my conclusions are:

 

1. I'm still confused about how you broke up. It's clear that you think she dumped you for her ex, but it's not clear to me, and I wonder if it's not clear to her.

 

2. Whatever you say, I think you are still interested in reconciliation.

 

3. If she is playing games with you just to mess you around, it's been dragging for a while now and I don't see what she's getting out of it. I think it's more likely she's trying to reach out to you in some way, especially after reading your comments about her shyness. Whether that's just because she's struggling to let go, out of guilt, just wants to be friends, or wants reconciliation, I don't know. But I don't think going NC is the way to find out in your case.

 

4. She got drunk and stood you up before she went to her posting. That burned, I'm sure. Did you ever resolve that or did things just go downhill from there without any proper dialog about it? Did she try and apologize for that incident? What was your reaction if she did?

 

5. Umm. I think I have more conclusions but I don't know what they are now.

 

Ok, here's a couple of things I think you could consider doing.

 

1. Decide it's over, figure out why, tell her (or send her a message) making sure you explain clearly why you think this relationship is over. And then leave her alone to heal and ask her to leave you alone to heal. Disconnect from Facebook etc properly. The reason I say that you should tell her is that it gives her one last opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings or incorrect information that you have. But only take this approach if you really do want to move on and don't want to reconcile (I don't think you do otherwise you wouldn't be posting in the GBT forum).

 

2. Send her a message saying you miss her also, you have been trying to move on but you are confused about the messages you are getting from her. However, if she wants to talk about whether or not you should consider getting back together, then you would like to do that. But you want to be clear and honest with her about what happened, and you would like her to do the same. Otherwise it doesn't help either of you heal properly, or reconcile if that's what you are going to do. But if she just wants to be friends, then that's not something you can consider doing until after you have healed, and in the meantime you and her should leave each other alone.

 

3. Carry on as you are doing. She sends confusing messages about how she misses you or is sad or whatever. You keep posting here asking what you should do. Most people will chant NC! NC! NC! And the cycle will continue until either you or her or both get fed up with not knowing what's going on, and stop. Probably when you meet someone else (who will end up being a rebound and you can do this all over again ).

 

 

Hmmm, now my head hurts. So I'm going to go NC on this forum ... for at least 5 minutes ...

[Tussin]

2. Send her a message saying you miss her also, you have been trying to move on but you are confused about the messages you are getting from her. However, if she wants to talk about whether or not you should consider getting back together, then you would like to do that. But you want to be clear and honest with her about what happened, and you would like her to do the same. Otherwise it doesn't help either of you heal properly, or reconcile if that's what you are going to do. But if she just wants to be friends, then that's not something you can consider doing until after you have healed, and in the meantime you and her should leave each other alone.

 

That is along the lines of what I would like to do.

 

Does anyone else agree?

 

I just want to point out that she did indeed break up with me. I was getting more and more frustrated with her spotty communications once she moved to another state. Sometimes she was very much into talking with me.. And other times it was as if she was hiding from me. Meanwhile I was trying to plan the details for my trip to see her, and could not get any important information from her. Finally she at one point said that she knew I was angry with her, and that we would speak later that day after work. Then later that day she called me and was crying and told me the story that she got back in touch with her ex, and they realized that they both still had feelings for eachother and that it wasnt fair to me, to continue being in a relationship with me. She said that it would be great if I wanted to still come out to see her for the week- as friends. Or if I didnt want to do that she would pay me for the plane ticket. I told her that I wouldn't be able to have a fun time if I were to go see her "as friends" because there would be a cloud of despair hanging over my head the whole time. So I told her no thanks..

 

I also told her what went on while she was passed out drunk on our last night together. That I cried and cried while she was passed out, then I left to find some friends and ask for advice. They told me to give her a break, being it was her last night in town, and to go back to her and wake her up- she would be happy to see me and then we could talk things out. But she didnt wake up, no matter how much I tried, she was completely passed out till the morning. A gut feeling in me tells me that it was a premeditated act, and this was her way to hide her head in the sand so to speak, because she just couldnt handle it. I am not referring to simply drinking with her buddies because she was no amateur drinker. I am talking about downing a glass of 151 rum right before I finally had the two of us alone so we could have a heart to heart conversation. She lasted about 5 minutes before passing out. It was either an act of desperation... or an act of desperation.

 

Anyhow, moving ahead.. I think that if she really did get in touch with this ex-boyfriend, it was more like an excuse, or a half-baked attempt to move on, than a real deal. I say that because she was texting me daily after that, that she missed me, and even calling a few times to see how I was doing. And ever since she has been reaching out to me once in a while with breadcrumb texts or "liking" posts on Facebook. Not very often, but about once a month or every 5 weeks. Before this, she contacted me just before Halloween.

 

Another thing: A month after we first broke up, when I packed up all her belongings and mailed them back to her, she told me I was a very kind person for doing so. I took that to mean that she never expected to get her stuff back, considering the stunt she pulled. I also took it to mean that she felt very guilty about the whole situation and felt responsible for the breakup.

 

Well.. So in any case I am interested in a version of option #2. What more would you suggest?

[Tussin]

I do have mixed feelings about it because it would seem that she has a history of doing desperate things and lying. I'm sure some of you might think Im crazy for even considering reconciling. Y/N?