Is it possible he's still interested?

[SandyJ]

I will try to keep this brief. I was involved with a guy on a casual basis for a couple of years. Neither of us wanted a relationship at that time, we were both newly divorced. We had a great connection, we did care for each other, it wasn't just a booty call thing, but we just didn't want anything serious.

ANyway, two years ago my life started to get really messy and I felt like I couldn't go on seeing him plus he decided he wanted to travel for 6 months. So I decided that we should stop seeing each other and went NC. Actually I kind of just disappeared and I'm not proud of myself for doing that...

 

I got my life back on track and then a few months ago I realised I'd never really got this guy out of my head - or heart - and decided to contact him. I sent him a chatty text, just asking how he was, that I had been thinking about him etc. He responded immediately said it was 'very nice indeed' to hear from me, ended his text with 'big hugs baby' but didn't mention meeting up....(Nor had I though). So I left it at that, thinking perhaps he wasn't interested or had a new girlfriend and had moved on.

Fast forward to early November it was his birthday. I decided to text him to wish Happy Birthday. He replied immediately very chatty and pleased to hear from me. A few minutes after that, before I'd had a chance to reply to the first, he sent me another text telling me that he'd been travelling again, but was now home permanently because his businesses were doing well and he needed to be here. He again ended that text with 'big hugs'. I replied and said I was glad to hear that business was good and he responded by telling me that in addition to his two existing businesses he was just about to set up another one, which he told me all about. I wished him well, and a happy holiday season and said take care.

That was the end of the exchange. There's been no contact from either of us since then, three weeks ago...We live a couple of hours from one another now, so we're not likely to run into each other socially or anything like that.

 

What I need to be clear about here is that this guy is not much of a texter. He would often take a while to reply to a text and only ever kept them short. Its out of character for him to write long texts..I kinda felt like he was trying to keep a conversation going.

So my problem is this - since he didn't mention getting together, I'm assuming that he doesn't want to. But OTOH, I didn't mention it either and I would very much like to see him again, even though it was me who was the one who decided to end our relationship last time. Am I wasting my time? And am I right to think I have to be brave - it's going to have to be me who suggests a meeting in this case?

 

I guess I'm just trying to get inside his head a little. Thoughts please?

[Nearbot]

If you broke up with him, then you definitely need to be the one who initiates meeting up! Good luck.

[Flyingpiglet]

You just disappeared out of this guys life once before, it's understandable that he won't jump to any conclusions just because you've got back in touch.

 

Take the bull by the horns, give the guy a ring and suggest a face to face catch up. You'll be able to gauge so much more from his reactions then rather that analysing text messages.

 

Good luck

[SandyJ]

Thanks to both of you.

I guess I was looking to see if there were any signs of interest or encouragement from him in those texts before I have the courage to suggest a meeting.

I am scared of rejection because I'm not used to chasing guys, and although I realise that it is down to me to make a move, it's a scary prospect.

[deeplongbreath]

What I need to be clear about here is that this guy is not much of a texter. He would often take a while to reply to a text and only ever kept them short. Its out of character for him to write long texts..I kinda felt like he was trying to keep a conversation going.

 

From what you say and what happened, I tend to think he has made an effort for you, which is promising!

[Flyingpiglet]

I would say there were signs of interest. He's probably thinking the same and wondering whats going on in your head... Just keep in mind that he will be as scared of rejection as you are, if not more so.

Definitely give him a call. You can do it on a friendly basis to start so if it turns out he has moved on, you haven't set yourself up for a fall. I'm sure once you get together, it will all fall into place

[foolish1985]

So I decided that we should stop seeing each other and went NC. Actually I kind of just disappeared and I'm not proud of myself for doing that...

 

I think that the ball is in your court here.

[SparklyBoots]

Considering you did the dissppearing act and he is being so friendly towards you (no bitterness there..) maybe you do need to be brave. A long time has passed and it would be dangerous to make assumptions of any kind, but sometimes in life you have to take a chance and put yourself out there for what you want...

[SandyJ]

Well such a wuss am I, I can't find the courage to talk to him. I have read so many threads on here about the dumper reaching out with lame texts (rather like mine was) and then not following up. I hate myself for doubting myself like this but I just don't have the confidence to go ahead and try to move this forward. I keep telling myself he's not interested, then I tell myself well it doesn't matter if he isn't but I MUST put this out there and at least give it a chance.

I'm a coward I know, and by not taking any action here I'll never know what the outcome may have been...

[winniethepooh]

ANyway, two years ago my life started to get really messy and I felt like I couldn't go on seeing him plus he decided he wanted to travel for 6 months. So I decided that we should stop seeing each other and went NC. Actually I kind of just disappeared and I'm not proud of myself for doing that...

So did you even tell him what you decided, let alone give him a chance for any input?

 

I got my life back on track and then a few months ago I realised I'd never really got this guy out of my head - or heart - and decided to contact him. I sent him a chatty text, just asking how he was, that I had been thinking about him etc. He responded immediately said it was 'very nice indeed' to hear from me, ended his text with 'big hugs baby' but didn't mention meeting up....(Nor had I though). So I left it at that, thinking perhaps he wasn't interested or had a new girlfriend and had moved on.

Why would you think those things based on his text message? Why wouldn't you think you might have left him dazed and hurt and confused by just disappearing with no explanation, and you were very lucky he even responded? Perhaps he hasn't a clue why you're texting him so is trying to stay neutral without ignoring you (and if he was posting here, many people would tell him to ignore you - you can read plenty of examples of that).

 

Fast forward to early November it was his birthday. I decided to text him to wish Happy Birthday.

So you didn't send any follow up texts for those few months? If I was him I would be thinking you were not interested in anything other than poking me to see if I was still alive, or possibly a friendship at best.

 

He replied immediately very chatty and pleased to hear from me.

And I wouldn't be doing that. Again, I think you are lucky.

 

A few minutes after that, before I'd had a chance to reply to the first, he sent me another text telling me that he'd been travelling again, but was now home permanently because his businesses were doing well and he needed to be here. He again ended that text with 'big hugs'.

Any reply that is not along the lines of sod off, is one you should see as encouraging, given that you just disappeared on him.

 

I replied and said I was glad to hear that business was good and he responded by telling me that in addition to his two existing businesses he was just about to set up another one, which he told me all about. I wished him well, and a happy holiday season and said take care.

Man alive, you don't half seem to enjoy leaving him in the dark do you?

 

That was the end of the exchange. There's been no contact from either of us since then, three weeks ago...

Why are you waiting if you want to get back together with him?

 

We live a couple of hours from one another now, so we're not likely to run into each other socially or anything like that.

Is that something you are hoping for?

 

What I need to be clear about here is that this guy is not much of a texter. He would often take a while to reply to a text and only ever kept them short. Its out of character for him to write long texts..I kinda felt like he was trying to keep a conversation going.

Kinda? I feel like he's trying very hard to leave the door open for you to say what you want but he's not going to humiliate himself and ask you if you want to get back together. Remember, you've already hit him in the head with an emotional shovel. You don't know how much that knocked him down.

 

So my problem is this - since he didn't mention getting together,

Grrrrr. Why would he? Did you even give him the chance to say what he wanted when you left?

 

I'm assuming that he doesn't want to.

Oh dear Lord, how many relationships are messed up because people make huge assumptions that turn out to be incorrect. Maybe he doesn't, but he hasn't said so, and you haven't asked him, so you don't know.

 

But OTOH, I didn't mention it either and I would very much like to see him again, even though it was me who was the one who decided to end our relationship last time.

What's your point? Do you just want to see him as a friend? You did post this in the Getting Back Together forum. He doesn't know what you want, I can guarantee that. He cannot read your mind. You cannot read his. If you and him both want to get back together, you will have to communicate more clearly. Especially you because you disappeared.

 

Am I wasting my time?

At the moment, yes. And you're wasting his. Until you start communicating clearly.

 

And am I right to think I have to be brave - it's going to have to be me who suggests a meeting in this case?

Yes.

 

I guess I'm just trying to get inside his head a little.

Good grief. You need surgery for that, not text messages. And anyway, I bet even neurosurgeons still have relationship problems.

 

Thoughts please?

Say you'd like to meet him. Don't try and rekindle a relationship by text messages. Be honest and clear. Don't play games. Don't make assumptions.

 

Ok, if you ask to meet, you are taking a risk. I only know what you've said. Who knows whether he was heartbroken or not. You said he went travelling for 6 months? Who knows what happened then. Who knows what his life is like now. Maybe he just bought a new phone and that's why he's sending longer text messages. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Maybe he wants a booty call. Maybe he wants a relationship. Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he wants to meet you to see if you and he want the same things. But you're never going to get to the bottom of all these maybes by text messages, assumptions, and forum posts.

 

Good luck whatever you do

[winniethepooh]

I guess I was looking to see if there were any signs of interest or encouragement from him in those texts before I have the courage to suggest a meeting.

His replies are a sign of interest and encouraging.

 

I am scared of rejection because I'm not used to chasing guys, and although I realise that it is down to me to make a move, it's a scary prospect.

Yes, it is.

 

Well such a wuss am I, I can't find the courage to talk to him. I have read so many threads on here about the dumper reaching out with lame texts (rather like mine was) and then not following up. I hate myself for doubting myself like this but I just don't have the confidence to go ahead and try to move this forward. I keep telling myself he's not interested, then I tell myself well it doesn't matter if he isn't but I MUST put this out there and at least give it a chance.

I'm a coward I know, and by not taking any action here I'll never know what the outcome may have been...

Grrrrr. I hope you're not my ex

 

(you're not in case you're wondering)

[SandyJ]

So, I was away from home for 6 weeks from mid December 2011 and returned just at the end of January. My house phone shows all missed calls, and when I went back through the history, he had tried to call me two times, the week before Christmas. I was very surprised that he still even had my home number after all this time. He didn't leave VM even though the machine was on. I gave some thought to calling him, but then decided that if he really wanted to see/contact me, he'd have tried again. Then, last week, he sent me a text asking if I was free to see him that evening. I was working away from home all last week, so I replied and said that it would be good to see him, but not possible, as I was overseas on business. He didn't reply to that....not even to ask where I was, or about work, nothing...I'm back home now and since he didn't respond to me, I'm not sure what to do next.

 

Any thoughts or advice most welcome!

[blackdog85]

Seriously, you're killing me.

 

What more do you want this guy to do? Even if your intentions are genuine, it looks like you're being the typical ego-stroking dumper, trying to see if this guy is still interested in you and intending to do nothing about it even if he is.

 

You ended the relationship, and even if it hurt you, it probably hurt him more. You need to be the one to take the lead in a reconciliation. He's put himself out there for you (multiple times, despite the fact that you dumped him) and you shut him down - even if you were just busy. By not suggesting an alternate time, saying you were too busy it sounds like you're blowing him off or want nothing more than friendship AT BEST.

 

If you really want to get back with this guy (and at this point I'm starting to doubt your motives myself) then this statement "if he really wanted to see/contact me, he'd have tried again" needs to be thrown out the window. Every dude that's been dumped and is reading this wants to strangle you right now lol.

[SandyJ]

 

and you shut him down - even if you were just busy. By not suggesting an alternate time, saying you were too busy it sounds like you're blowing him off or want nothing more than friendship AT BEST.

 

 

Blackdog, thank you. I agree with your whole post, but just wanted to respond especially to this part.

I absolutely didn't intend to shut him down, I made a mistake. It didn't occur to me that it would sound like I was blowing him off, I actually thought that by explaining that I was away, it could start a little convo back and forth and then I could talk about when I'd be coming home and could see him.

I totally got this wrong, I see it now, thanks for pointing it out to me.