Boyfriend with female friends and ex girlfriend issues

[One11]

I read my partner of 7 months fb messages. it was an argument he had been having with a friend of his that i had been helping him respond to. at the end of the message he said to her (his friend) that he still loved his ex girlfriend with all of his heart and probably always would.

I knew that he was still recovering from his break (it happened mid last year) but i had not expected him to say something like that.

My heart was beating wildly as i exited out of the message. Then i noticed other messages in his inbox from a girl he met at a party, just filled with chit chat but with 'xxx' at the end and talk of going to see her gig (she's a musician). All instigated by him.

Plenty of other messages to girls but i logged off at that point.

I have noticed this sort of stuff in his inbox before telling a girl he worked with to 'come out sometime' sent when he was drunk and left open on his computer.

I know it is bad that i went through his inbox. It started out innocently enough. I admitted to him what i'd done and apologised. He said that he was sorry, that's he'd said the wrong thing (about loving his ex) and that he loved me. I was at home and i ignored his messages for a night because i was upset and felt sick and wasn't able to talk. He sent messages saying he was sorry and he loved me.

When we spoke he said it wasn't easy to move on but that he was trying and it was getting easier.

I mentioned that it seemed like he was seeking attention from girls a lot. He said that i end messages to male friends in 'xx' which i do, but my male friends are old friends. not new connections i am trying to make with boys i meet at parties..i didnt say this though. I let it go, i didn't want things to get heated.

One of his closest (female) friends had some sort of relationship with one of my exes while i was overseas and when i returned she was really awful to me we barely knew each other and i dont see her anymore. I have told him this but he talks about her nearly every day, he sounds like he really admires her. He doesnt speak about anyone in that way. Now she is pregnant to her boyfriend and he talks about that aswell. I cant help feeling that he is disappointed this has happened.

Part of the reason i feel uncomfortable is because he has gone on big rants in the past about how all boys have crushes on their female friends.

Also my past two relationships have ended due to my partner cheating. The first one made a very forward pass at my closest friend at the time.

As a result i dont think im as secure as i was when i was younger. I have been scarred. I'm trying to work out if im being overly sensitive or just to get some others opinions?

[Dezireey]

I don't think you are being oversensitive at all. I think he is out of order and is emotionally controlling you. My ex did this to me. One day we had a massive row (about two years ago) he posted on Faceboook, in just a general, matter of fact conversation, that he still loved his ex-girlfriend!! I went ballistic and didn't speak to him for days. I was so upset, two weeks later I posted on my Facebook that I still loved a previous ex and he also went crazy on me but he stopped and understood how it had felt for me. I'm not saying you should do that. My ex thought nothing of getting girls phone numbers and having a chat / text with them or calling other women babes or gorgeous. He would even post messages to women saying how beautiful and stunning they were. He thought it was completely innocent but to us girlfriends it is soul destroying and upsetting....I think they know this deep down but keep doing it anyway. It's like a power trip and I think it shows how insecure they are. My mistake was having a go at him whenever he did it, which he ultimately fed off. In the end, I tried to cope by a) ignoring him and not responding to any of it and b) playing him at his own game at times and commenting on mens bums in the street etc. But to be honest, I didn't want a relationship like that so it was one of the reasons we ended.

 

I think you must at least try and make him see the damage he is doing, and by damage, I mean the more you put up with it, the more he does it, the more he is damaging the relationship and the trust everytime. There is a borderline to male behaviour like this and I am pretty tolerant of lots of things, such as catching your man looking at a girl or commenting on a model/actress they like on TV etc. But when they are in a proper relationship it is disrespectful, hurtful and selfish of them to willingly interact in a sexy way with other women in front of your face and do things they KNOW will wind any girlfriend up. That is what I never understood. I would say to him angrily sometimes 'you ARE aware aren't you, that ANY woman you would be in a relationship with would not tolerate this, don't you?' Because at times, he would make me believe I was overreacting and being silly.

 

Sit him down, tell him calmly you just can't deal with this kind of behaviour and it has to change or your unhappiness will get worse. If he refuses, doesn't change, I'm sorry you only have two options. Live with it or leave him.

[Springs]

I'm sorry to say that it doesn't sound good. Number one, there is a lack of trust and respect in the fact that you read his messages in the first place. I understand why you did it, but it doesn't point to being a healthy thing to do. His feelings about his ex are clearly still strong and he is not over her. I only say this because I know how cut up I am about my ex still, and sometimes I think it would be helpful to move on to someone else. But when people who are still in love with their ex do this it is often just a 'band-aid' to cover up the pain and try to find a substitute for it. You deserve someone whose time and devotion is completely for you, not using you as a means to 'move on' from someone else. You deserve better than someone whose heart is still tied to someone else's.

 

Bottom line is you can't trust him, and the minute his ex comes back on the scene saying she wants another shot, what do you think he would say to that? I'm sorry...but in my opinion if you continue this relationship you are only going to become more attached and cause more hurt in the future.

[Snny]

I knew that he was still recovering from his break (it happened mid last year) but i had not expected him to say something like that.

So you knew he was treating you as a rebound. His comment to the friend on Facebook shouldn't be a surprise since he has not moved on from his previous relationship. People who are in rebounding relations don't last and his way of "coping" with this problem is by seeking female attention left and right.

 

His interactions with these women are inappropriate. He is not ready to be i a relationship with a woman. I think you know what you need to do here... he has disrespected your trust.