Really insecure about his ex

[mint_tea]

Like the title says, I'm really insecure about my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. Preface: I always looked up to her and compared myself to her even before my boyfriend and I met. One of my other exes really liked her and they would flirt with each other (while this girl was dating my current boyfriend), and he'd talk about her.

 

She lived with him for a year or so and decided she didn't know what she wanted. Things were bad for a couple months. She cheated on him, and they broke up. Then she changed her mind and started pining away for my boyfriend on facebook, and she would text him. He and I got together and we've been together over a year. She wasn't over him in the first 6 months of us being together and I still don't know if she is. Her dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year ago and my boyfriend was being supportive of her. He said it was because he and one of his exes broke up when his dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and the ex was just plain mean to him. So my boyfriend feels like he can't be like that ex.

 

I am really uncomfortable with how my boyfriend treats his ex, like she's this fragile thing. He has some stuff of hers to give back and he plans on telling her that I'm moving in because "it's the right thing to do." I don't see how it's any of her business, but when I told him that, he just said it's the right thing to do. He also told me that he's at a point that he wants to know why everything happened, so that if it's something he did, he can prevent it from happening in the future. I asked him why he still cares about her, especially since she cheated. He said he doesn't just stop caring about someone, even though he doesn't want to get back together with her. That stung. And he brought up again that if he was just mean, he would be like the ex who turned him away when his dad was dying. He told me that he hopes that after a year of us being together, I can see how much he cares about me and my family. I do see that, but I don't like that he still cares about the ex! She doesn't deserve niceness, in my opinion. My boyfriend says time and time again that as soon as she cheated, all his feelings for her went away, and they can't be replaced. He said he feels nothing for her when he sees her out in town, and that he could see her every day and not feel a thing.

 

She lives about a mile away from us. My boyfriend said he doesn't know why she lives there, as she has no connections to this area anymore (lost her job, friends and family are far away, etc.). I'll probably see her at the gym, and the grocery store. I just wish she would be gone from our relationship. It's the only thing that I wish was different. We have heated discussions about her every couple months and we both want it to stop. I know the problem is mostly mine, but I think he plays a role in feeding my insecurity.

 

I've had 2 men leave me for their exes and I am wired to think it will happen again.

[HeartGoesOn]

I am really uncomfortable with how my boyfriend treats his ex, like she's this fragile thing. He has some stuff of hers to give back and he plans on telling her that I'm moving in because "it's the right thing to do." I don't see how it's any of her business, but when I told him that, he just said it's the right thing to do. He also told me that he's at a point that he wants to know why everything happened, so that if it's something he did, he can prevent it from happening in the future.

 

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but I would remove myself from being the third wheel in this relationship. The fact that he's still communicating as well as hiding things from his ex, clearly shows that he hasn't moved on, nor he is available to be in another relationship.

[mint_tea]

He doesn't communicate with her anymore. Her dad died back in February and he hasn't talked to her since except for when he's run into her at the gym. And he's not hiding the fact that I'm moving in with him because he plans on telling her when he gives her this stuff back.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is just my opinion, but why would he want to share your personal business with his ex?

[mint_tea]

Thank you for your opinion - that's why I posted here

 

I asked him the same thing. In my opinion, me moving in is none of her business. When I told him that, he said he understands that. But he feels like telling her is the right thing to do. I told him I didn't want her getting the wrong idea about how he feels about her by him telling her this information. He said he doesn't care what she thinks, that she can think whatever she wants, but he still wants to tell her so that she doesn't hear it from someone else. She heard from someone else that we were dating and flipped out I guess. I don't know if she's emotionally unhinged or what. Personally I think she's just a entitled brat who acted selfishly by cheating on him and then thought they would get back together, no problem. She didn't get what she wanted so now she's playing on his sympathy. Last year she had this attention-***** facebook status about how all she has left are the memories of what was and the dreams of what could have been. Gag me.

 

I want to be present when he makes the phone call to give her all this stuff back. I want to see how he talks to her and see if he's eliciting any of this behavior from her. Would that be weird?

 

I do think he has good intentions. I asked him why he picked me and he told me that he's happier in our relationship than he was in the other one, and that ours is better emotionally and physically...he told me he's happy instead of content (he said he was only content with her) and he doesn't see that changing. He's told me over and over that he wouldn't go back to her. He had the chance when we first started dating and chose me.

[nutbrownhare]

To be honest, if he's telling her that you've moved in - then it's like underlining once again to her that it's completely over between them, and that he's moved on. That's certainly how I'd read it.

 

I've known several guys who have assumed that their exes would be devastated to hear that they've found someone else, and handle this with kid gloves. This is often a reflection of their own vanity rather than the reality of the situation (I recall, years ago, someone I'd had a brief relationship with and then heard nothing for a couple of months, came round to tell me he'd found someone else. I responded that that was her problem!)

 

I think your partner is doing his best to be a 'nice guy' - to the point that it's an ego trip for him. I can understand why you're getting fed up with it - but the fact remains that you've moved in with him, he chose you over her and is happier with you than he was with her. I also suspect that it would be less distressing for you if she wasn't someone that you'd admired before you and your boyfriend got together; it can't be easy.

 

If you can detach yourself from the situation, you could take the view that it's actually rather sad that she's putting FB status updates "about how all she has left are the memories of what was and the dreams of what could have been" - especially as these attempts from her are absolutely futile. If things had been that great between them, she wouldn't have cheated. She clearly has a few problems around relationships, and has been keeping herself occupied with hopeless romantic longings. It may well have been very different if he'd actually reciprocated, and it's tempting to see her as only wanting something she can't really have.

 

Don't let her problems be your problems, though. You clearly have issues because of your exes, so let yourself process your feelings around these past betrayals, and leave the past firmly where it belongs - in the past!