immaturity kills love

[emily2424]

so i'm probably one of the younger bloggers on this site, and i could use some advice from you all about how to move on from this.

my ex is only 17 and i broke up with him because he was not treating me right what-so-ever.

 

after the break up he blamed me for ruining us. but this was a common theme in our fights. he would do something terrible, i would get upset, and he would freak out that i was upset and make me apologize without ever acknowledging his part in the argument. i should have never allowed this but i didn't realize it until now.

 

So basically he's been so confused with everything he has been making things up and convincing himself that things are certain ways. he changes his story to fit his mood and how he feels. he's still really immature and this was his first relationship. i'm moving on simply because i can't take this anymore.

 

we met up the other morning to talk everything out about the break up. i needed him to understand that this wasn't my fault and he had to understand my circumstances i was in when we broke up. he understood but he didn't want to. he asked if i still cared about him and i told him yes...he went home and told his parents i was obsessed with him and he will never never never go out with me again. but then says to me that he wants to just see how things go.. i guess because he feels bad? His mom told me & him (at separate times) that he probably wanted to break up with me but he didn't have the courage, and he turned into a jerk subconsciously so i would breka up with him..

 

he's having an emotional break down it seems because he constantly tweets that he has no friends, but then tells me that he doesn't need me. and when i don't ask whats wrong he gets upset. it's like he wants to move on but make sure I'm still there when he needs me. which isn't going to happen its not fair.

 

so then i saw him at a party and he said that me going to this younger party he was at was "obsessive" in reality i was going before he even knew about it. so i go and say hi to everyone, i remain calm and social with friends...and he sat in the corner on his phone with tears in his eyes. he's made it completely clear over the past 2 months that he doesn't want to be with me and that he wants to move on. he also told me the other day i need to make decisions that don't consider him anymore, which is why i went to the party.. i wanted to go before i knew he was there. when i saw him in the corner for a while alone, i walked over and said hi! and he said hi but he continued to look at his phone..so i walked away. i saw him furiously get up and go to his sister. he said "i thought she was only stopping by" for someone who nailed it in my mind to move on and to not care what he does anymore, thats pretty hypocritical.

 

but after he sat back down again i waited a minute to get my coat and i said bye to everyone.. on my way out he was the last one sitting by the door, so i gave him a hug and said bye, he didn't hug me back. i heard that after i left he continued to sit in the corner sulking. i don't know what his deal is, i mean earlier that day he was being dramatic as usual and instead of feeding into it, i was indifferent. i guess that could have upset him

 

 

i truly don't know whats going on in his head, he's really confused. he needs to stop lying to himself and being very hypocritical. he sent me one text "I'm moving on because i'm still pissed you broke up with me" and a couple texts later i get "i honestly don't even care that you broke up with me anymore" .... i feel like he needs time to clear his head. he seems lonely.

 

idk!!! any advice what you think about this? first love? mehhhh

[emily2424]

i suppose i'm just asking if you think he'll realize this. i know theres no way of you knowing.. just your opinion. it would be nice to know for myself to know if anyone else older has experienced something like this and realized later that they messed up..

[GreenCupcake]

Hey emily,

 

Judging from what you wrote (and my own past experiences) it seems to me that his ego was bruised when you dumped him and he became destructive by letting his emotions get the best of him. He sounds immature AND insecure which causes him to be selfish. I won't deny that he may be genuinely hurt too.

 

There are a lot of young guys out there who try their best to treat their girlfriend's right. Your ex (at this point in time) isn't capable of taking responsibility for his actions because he most likely feels that he didn't do anything wrong. Or maybe he did realize he was wrong but found it easier to shift the blame.

 

I think it would be a good idea to ignore him and give yourself some time to breathe and think. He has not taken your feelings into consideration at all and his behavior after the break-up has made it obvious. He keeps trying to hurt your feelings and that's not really fair.

 

He probably did/does care about you, but he's not really doing it the right way. He needs time to grow up because he isn't ready for a relationship right now. Maybe in time he will realize what he did but that can take a long time. Don't expect anything.

 

Good luck!

[pinkelephant]

i have a similar kind of experience. i'm not the kind of person that would leave someone i'm attached (perhaps love) unless i was pushed to. my first boyfriend was rotten to me. i stayed with him until i couldn't anymore. he, like your ex, never admited to ANYTHING. nothing was ever his fault and everything was mine. i actually believed it, after a long time. then i found out he was cheating on me the whole time and that magically undid the spell, but anyway, he did figure it out it was him who was an idiot... but an idiot is still an idiot. i didn't want anything to do with him after that.

 

my current is also the denial kind of guy. we have (had? only time will tell..) a similar pattern. he does something dumb, i get upset, he gets mad at me, i get mad at him, we're all mad.. eventually he comes around. i'm pretty sick of the whole ordeal (who wouldn't be!) and i told him that straight up. i told him i loved him less each time he makes me mad and it's not a lie. i really do. my love isn't unconditional, i'm no jesus. it seems to have shocked him into better behaviour. who knows if it'll last, but anyway, what i wanted to originally say is yes, they know. i think unless they're completely idiotic, they know.

 

deep down, they know.

my bf won't admit it and men have their egos that i'm willing to let them have, but at the end of the day, they know what they did was wrong.

 

what we need to realize is, we're also wrong. we're wrong to argue. give men the bottom line of what works and what doesn't work. you'll see very quickly how they suddenly "know" what is appropriate and what doesn't. those who continues to act as they dont: well one of two senario is they really are that dumb, in which case what do we want with them and the other is, they don't care and thinks it will work. it does work, it's a type of manipulation. there's even a term for it, ghasting or something? but then they're jerks and we don't want anything to do with jerks!

[GreenCupcake]

pinkelephant, I like your post!

 

Now that I think about it, you are right. Deep down they know what they are doing. I think boys/men who act that way are guilty about something - whether it's cheating, lying, etc. If they didn't do anything wrong, they most likely wouldn't feel the need to go into attack mode and shift the blame.

 

I'm not sure if my ex cheated, but he lied a lot and that's why he would get all emotional when I'd confront him about something he did. It's not worth it.

[emily2424]

thanks guys!

 

our relationship was really great, but when football started he went into "Football mode" his ego shot up, and the walls went up. he was exhausted and stopped telling me things.. he's bitter because i couldn't hold on for one more month..when football ended.. but i dealt with him being an a-hole to me from august-october... and there is no reason i should have. so i broke up with him. there is no excuse to treat someone like * * * * . i still believe i did the right thing, and i flat out told him..how can i trust you when you say things will be better after football if you've been treating me crappy since august? He is also use to always getting his way..which is why the break up probably annoyed him more. i was supposed to go to his brothers house that day...but in the morning i drove to his house and ended it because of our behavior towards each other. he wanted to be able to get through football season & get away with being a jerk but i didn't let that happen. i was done.

 

so he know's he was an * * * * * * * and now i just gotta move on. if he "wanted" this, he'll see what it's really like to lose me.. i'm not talking to him.. i've given him so much already when i shouldn't have.. i don't think he even knows what it's like to lose me..so it could hit him hard..

 

plus he's not going to have a fun winter break, he's going to be getting a surgery on his acl because he tore it. lots of time to lay around in bed and think... could drive him crazy! and he'll be lonely.. his friends are crappy too.

 

i'm not holding back for him anymore. but from your experiences do people really realize that they did wrong? will he over come his ego? i know he was really upset about the break up, but i was still there..he didn't actually lose me until this past weekend. i haven't spoken to him since the party on saturday.. ugh

[emily2424]

please anyone..?

[emily2424]

no input at all? besides "move on" i want to know what YOUR opinions are ):

[GreenCupcake]

emily, everyone is different. No one can tell how he will act. I kept questioning myself like you did. It didn't get me anywhere.

 

Even if he apologizes or claims that he changed his ways, it most likely won't be true. That type of behavior takes a lot of work to fix. Don't you want someone who is going to man up when the situation calls for it? He's acting like a wuss.

 

Moving on is extremely beneficial in this case because you will start to see all his flaws for what they really are. If you keep getting your hopes up, you will blind yourself to the truth. He is who he is. If you don't like him that way then ignore him and move on.

[AutumnBorn]

Emily, there's a really great book out there called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. It explains a lot of the strange behavior. It's not a relationship book as much as an analysis of the steps couples take in the break-up process. I highly recommend it.

[emily2424]

i mean he's become extremely unattractive at this point, and getting me back won't be easy.. that's for sure.. I'm going forward with my life and learning how to live it without him. i no longer consider him when I'm making decisions.

 

if you had to analyze him though from what I'm saying... what would u say

[GreenCupcake]

You pretty much analyzed him yourself when you wrote those posts. I think you know what kind of person he is but you are still in denial about it. You broke up with him so there really is no point in trying to figure him out.

 

It can be hard sometimes, especially when you feel hurt. But the only person who knows what is going through your ex's head is him. And if he's not going to be honest with you, then that's his problem.

[emily2424]

you're right and i clearly deserve better if i was trying to be honest the whole time and he wasn't being honest. so screw him.

[GreenCupcake]

That's a good attitude to have Your last post made me chuckle a little. I'm glad that your seeing things at face value.

 

Being realistic is so important to the healing process.

[emily2424]

i think i was just looking for reassurance and for people to agree with what i was saying... i don't want to be analyzing incorrectly... ahhaha

[GreenCupcake]

I've been on the same boat. We want to completely convince ourselves that we made the right decision so we constantly think, meanwhile the obvious is right in front of us. Oh, life... haha