trustno1 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 My Gf and I love eachother very much and have a grea time together. She was open with me about being abused when she was 7...I was crushed by it....I understand that this has alot to do with how she handles our relationship. She doesn't like to hug or kiss...put it to you this way ....its always on her terms whenever our lips meet. that was the major kind of abuse as there was not intercourse involved (thank God). Our love life is great to be honest and I have no issue at all there....I just don't know how to handle the unaffectionate aspect of her....very hard to deal with , especially when I am right next to her and would love to give her a nice hug and kiss but always feel like I have to ask permission....any suggestions? I know I will need to communicate to her on this soon....its frustrating although I respect what she went through and always want to do right by her. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Has she thought about seeking therapy about this? You're looking at a dysfunctional relationship ahead of you, one with a ton of frustration and lack of intimacy. You're tolerating this now because the relationship is still relatively new but how long do you think you're going to last while getting no initiation/affection from her? She has trust issues, major trust issues and it's completely understandable due to her past. The thing is, is she ready for an adult relationship with someone? It seems like she still hasn't directly addressed her issue with trust, until she does she'll never be in an open relationship with you. None of this will change until she gets help. You can be patient (you have to be patient) and not push her. She has walls built up around her to protect herself. Until they come down (and it will take time) she's never going to be able to have an open/honest relationship with you. If you want to stick through this with her you need to make your discontent very clear but do not push her beyond that. She needs to understand that you aren't happy with the way things are then leave it up to her to decide if it's something she wants to address. If she doesn't or isn't ready you're going to have to make a choice whether or not to stay with her. The path you're going down if she decides not to do anything about it is going to be a very difficult one for you. Most importantly if you decide to stick around never, ever, betray her trust in any way. Once you do that any chance of her being open with you is going to fly right out the window. The relationship you're in with her is a very fragile one and it needs to be treated with a very gentile touch if she's ever going to come around and be comfortable with you. Link to comment
maalox Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I'm curious too as I see a similar situation. How do you have a "great love lie" when she's so uncomfortable with a hug and a kiss? And the timing on her terms? Are you saying she initiates all physical intimacy ? People are all different. Some people are this way and have no abuse issues, its just their way. Get her talking. Find out what her love languages are because she might not be touchy feely anyhow. I have a newer GF and am having fun finding this kind of stuff out. She's an acts of service sort of person in five-love-languages-speak, not an intimately close all the time kind of person. I just hug her or kiss her whenever and let her body language do the talking. Or say hey give me one of those mind blowing kisses... Link to comment
trustno1 Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 no ...I do initiate physicalness with her...what i mean is ; there is no affection there...its just sex...which I love don't get me wrong, but I do enjoy kissing her very much and feel that she holds back due to her past.... I will have to find out what her love language is.... appreciate your word.....I will need to research the five to better familiarize myself first...... Link to comment
Snny Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 LDRohnos offered some excellent advice here. Therapy is the only thing that can help her rebuild an intimate relationship with you. Her past is traumatizing and the only thing you can do is to be a listening ear and support her through counseling. As a way to communicate this issue, you tell her that the behavior is not helping you build a secure, loving, intimate relationship with her and even though you don't fully understand what has happened to her you are willing to support her through counseling to help her cope with this problem. The question is whether she SEES it as a problem and she agrees to go through it and like LDRohnos said.. this is going to take some time and patience on your end. If you aren't patient or if she doesn't see her behavior being a problem, then the siuation isn't going to improve at all. This is really something she has to work out on her own with guidance and support. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I have never been abused, but I don't like hugging and kissing much, either. I love sex and am fine in that department, can come from intercourse, oral, anything really. But, I really don't care to hold hands, kiss beyond a quick peck, etc... I was raised in a family where there wasn't a lot of hugging and kissing going on, so it feels weird to me to do that. It has nothing to do with how I feel about someone, I just am not comfortable with PDAs. Some people are and some people aren't. She isn't going to change anytime soon, so if you can live with that, do so. If you can't, find someone who gives you the affection you desire. Link to comment
maalox Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 I have never been abused, but I don't like hugging and kissing much, either. I love sex and am fine in that department A point of curiosity if you'd indulge: In the normal course of my relationships hugging and kissing had a way of progressing and becoming increasingly more sexual, or not. There was an easy to read barometer. Lacking that in a relationship how do you prefer to be approached? I mean, how does your guy make his feelings known? Or how do you make yours known? Just say so? Good Morning, want sex? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 I'm an affectionate person so someone who isn't very affectionate just isn't my cup of my tea. I met a woman a little while ago, she was much like your girlfriend. She didn't want to hold hands, kiss and even when we hugged it was very awkward because she would pull away soon thereafter or give a real feint hug. She said she didn't receive the same kind of affection growing up as a child so her to being affectionate is somewhat foreign. I tried, I really did but it just didn't workout and after a little while of dating I decided that she just wasn't my kind of girl. No harm, no foul. Link to comment
trustno1 Posted December 1, 2011 Author Share Posted December 1, 2011 wow...that is what I go through now...funny part about it is when she does initiate a hug, kiss or any other form of touch,,,,it is very enjoyable and feels so right, almost feels like it is in her to display it but her past doesn't allow it, which at this point I know is the case..... I know I need to be patient with her and talk to her about her feelings as well as mine because both are valid. Unlike you ....she is my kind of girl and I have to give her a chance to understand that her affection is very important to me. thanks for sharing.... Link to comment
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