aardvark Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Does anyones self esteem just seem to plummet after someone breaks up with you? For some reason I take every word so closely to me and disect every flaw of myself I can find that possibly ended the relationship. Its just awful. I enter this really dark place within myself that I find it so hard to pull myself out of. Any advice on how to deal with this? Does this happen to you? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Yes it does. But I realise it shouldnt. Someone else doesnt define your self worth. Just because one person doesnt want you doesnt mean anythings wrong with you. Make a positive spin on it that you were just wrong for eachother. Relationships end. Its part of life. All you can do is learn from the end and move on. Don't beat yourself up. We are all human and all make mistakes. Pull yourself out and know you'll be happy again. Link to comment
coastalchick Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 It definitely happens to the best of us. I'm normally a very happy, enthusiastic and confident woman, but after being dumped all that gets washed away with the relationship. I end up beating myself down telling myself that I'm not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough and every negative thing that I can think of. I think it's because we invest so much of ourselves into a relationship and when it falls apart we feel as though we didn't do enough to keep it afloat. That in some way we weren't "good enough" to keep things going. I learned the (very) hard way that beating myself up is not the answer because a relationship takes two to tango. If someone left me, it's NOT because I wasn't good enough or pretty enough. We just weren't the right fit and his "purpose" in life is not to be with me. Sorry, I've been reading a lot of books on spirituality and they say that people come and go from our lives for a reason. Some stay forever like great friends, and some stay temporarily like boyfriends/girlfriends. They stay long enough to teach us something. For example, one of my ex-bfs whom I was crazy about left me, but what I got out of the relationship was an appreciation for art and a lesson on not to compromise myself for him. Of course I felt like I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough, but in the end I knew that I had loved him as best as I could, and if he couldn't appreciate that then so be it. In order to get over this, you NEED to change your mindset, which is soooooo hard. Instead of accepting and saying "I'm not pretty enough," you gotta fight it and turn it around by saying "I am a great person and we just weren't a good fit." And, I guarantee what you'll say right after that is "if I'm such a great person then why didn't he stay with me?" It happens all the time, but you gotta dig deep and realize that you ARE amazing. The amazing person that you are is what got that guy/girl. It's the reason why you have great friends and people around we. After a breakup, we tend to forget all the good stuff around us and just focus on the bad stuff, which is the end of a relationship. I found that consciously forcing myself to get out and try new things help a lot. Also, spending time with friends remind you of how wonderful and special you are. It definitely takes a lot of work to mentally swat away those negative thoughts, but once you get into a habit of doing so, you'll start to recover. Trust me. I spent so much time beating myself up to the point where I just felt like crap and it didn't do any good for me. In fact, it made me feel extra bad because not only did I get dumped, but I'm now dumping on myself. So it's like a double dump. I agree with Sapphire--someone else doesn't define your self worth. It's soooooo true. You are your own person, so don't let one guy who didn't appreciate, ruin your self image. Plus, NO ONE can make you feel bad unless YOU allow them. I used to think this line was a bunch of horse poo, but it's so true. We are responsible for ourselves and our emotions, so if we feel like crap after a breakup, it's because we ALLOW ourselves to feel that way, which is only human, but you gotta be strong and push those thoughts away. Don't let him destroy you. I guarantee you that in a few months you'll look back on this and think "what was I thinking wasting so much time beating myself up? Life is great and I'm awesome!" Link to comment
John3572 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Yes, it does. The same thing happened to me after a had a seriously massive crush on a co-worker and it didn't pan out. Link to comment
RastaPasta Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I think most of us go through that. I came to the realization that just because my ex thinks a certain thing is "wrong" with me doesn't mean it is or that I need to change it. I have been working on my self-esteem for the last couple months and it has worked wonders. Link to comment
RastaPasta Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I have learned that if you allow being with someone to define your worth, it is inevitable for your self-esteem to goes when they do. The key is to know who you are and what you're worth. Link to comment
utopie Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Same here aardvark. My BU was 2 months ago and I felt like I was ugly, undesirable, a bad girlfriend (actually a bad person), that it was all my fault, that nobody woul accept me as I am, nobody would love me again. I still have little "fits" like those from time to time but fortunately I have amazing friends, amazing family. I also went on a few dates and I bought new clothes made me feel reallly good. But you know what, even if you don't do all these things, you will ventually regain your self-esteem and actually grow as a person. With each breakup (I've had some before), you grow and build your self-esteem. Look at yourself, make an invetory of your relationship (what you liked about him/her, what you did not like, what you liked about the relationship and what you did not like. 5 moments where he disappointed you as a partner or just upset you, 5 moments you cherish , etc..) You will envetually feel better. Link to comment
Mario043 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Self esteem by its very definition should come from the self.. Unfortunately, we all fall victim to allowing external circumstances dictate our self worth.. We all do it.. And of course, being dumped is the ultimate rejection. It's difficult to keep your self esteem in tact.. Especially if you don't know the true reason for the breakup.. Link to comment
RastaPasta Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Look at yourself, make an invetory of your relationship (what you liked about him/her, what you did not like, what you liked about the relationship and what you did not like. 5 moments where he disappointed you as a partner or just upset you, 5 moments you cherish , etc..) You will envetually feel better. Sounds like someone has been reading Getting Past your Break-up Link to comment
The Man Who Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 You lived and were quite happy and content with life before this person showed up in it. Simply put, even though this one person may not want to be with you, it's their loss - it may be hard to think like that but it's the best attitude to have. You define your own self worth, if your sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself then you are basically giving the person extra ammunition to re-affirm their decision. On the flip side, if you make sure you go out and enjoy yourself and fill your life with wonderful people/hobbies then you'll feel your own self value sky rocket because of it. Just remember, every day that goes by try to accomplish or improve something for or about yourself - if your improving every day then people will notice the changes in you and you'll attract much better people Link to comment
utopie Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Sounds like someone has been reading Getting Past your Break-up Hahaha RastaPasta. Yes I have. It actually helped a lot Link to comment
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