Suffering from MASSIVE guilt over relationship failure...

[Mario043]

Hi All,

 

Although I understand there are 2 people in every relationship, and both are typically responsible for it's success or lack thereof, I can't seem to shake the overwhelming, almost debilitating feelings of guilt. I understand this is not a healthy road to travel, but I still seem to be on it..

[Eocsor]

It's normal to play the guilt game after a relationship fails. We all think what if I'd done this or that differently. But the fact is it's over, so there is nothing to be gained from holding on to those feelings.

 

It is important though to apply what you've learned from the failure of your relationship to the next relationship so you don't repeat those same mistakes.

 

So don't beat yourself up too badly. We all screw up in some way. Thats what makes us human.

[northpickle]

Hi Mario

 

How long has it been since you two broke up? I suffered from huge guilt in the early days after break-up, and only with a bit of time I realised that we both made mistakes and it was down to both of us that the relationship failed. It didn't help that the break-up talk seemed to focus on all my failings, and none of his, which I emotionally lapped up and I didn't stand up for myself as much as I should have. I feel silly about that now!

 

If you're still at an early stage, I think guilt is a very common emotion. It will lessen with time, definitely. As the fog clears you will start to see the relationship very differently. I wish you the best on your journey.

[KYRiverGrl]

I was temporarily racked with guilt after my breakup (2 months ago) -- if I would have done this, if I would have done that. After time, I realized that it was both of us, the relationship failed, and it is over. Relationships are never a one-way street. Remind yourself of that.

[Mario043]

The breakup is one week old, so my emotions are all over the shop.. It's a sea of turbulence, that quite frankly, drives an analytical and logical thinker, such as myself, stark raving mad. I want this all to be over, but I realize it's a journey.. One that was most assuredly not of my choosing.. One that I was in no way prepared to take.. One that came as a complete and total surprise.. One that has been painful beyond words. If I could say anything to her, it would be that "you landed a sucker punch right to my heart."

 

Thank you all for the replies..

[Mephisto13]

If you were the person who was dumped, why do you feel guilty about the break up? Did you do something game changing? Did something happen that pushed her away? Because if it was same old, same old until the point she broke it off, I don't see how you could feel guilty. Unless you're playing the "I shoulda, coulda, woulda" game.

 

If that's the case, take the time to think about what's making you feel guilty, and while it might be too late to fix anything in this relationship, ensure that it doesn't happen in your next one.

 

I'm also an analytical thinker and I spent a lot of time introspecting, figuring out the stuff that I could change for my future relationship (surviver of a 12 yr relationship breakup), things that were brought up as the reason for the cheating. What hurt me the most was the speculating, always speculating about ceratin situations (related to her and the cheating)...until I "lied" to myself and picked a scenario, I just couldn't get over that hump. I also picked the worse alternative, because I thought that if I ever found out otherwise, I'd feel a bit better. It did a bit, but not really.

[Mario043]

@ Mephisto13

A little background first.. She was unhappy with us for many months prior, but claimed she put it on hold when her father took ill and passed away in June of this year.. During this time I provided her with emotional support and she was extremely thankful for it. The odd thing was we discussed the issues (at least the ones she revealed to me) and I made changes and thought we were on the mend. Then she started withdrawing, and I kept asking "are we OK?" to which she always said "yes." But clearly things were not. I believe her father's death triggered a crisis of sorts, and she started questioning things.. She felt bad being so far away, and then told me she always wanted to eventually move back home. She told my sister that she wanted to get married, but always had an "If it happens it happens" attitude which is more of an expectation than a goal.. Same thing with children.. That all changed with her father's death. I never said no to either but it wasn't a concrete goal either. If she had come to me and told me what she wanted, we could have discussed it. She never gave me the chance.. She expected me to infer.. And when I wanted to discuss, she was already done..

 

I feel guilty because I missed the signs.. I feel guilty because I think I robbed her of an opportunity. I feel guilty because I still think I blew it.. I feel guilty because now she feels she didn't fulfill her father's wishes, even though no one could have predicted his untimely death.

 

I always asked her if her parents were putting pressure on her, and she always replied with "They just want me to be happy"

 

Yes it's counterproductive, but I am playing the "coulda, shoulda, if only I woulda" over and over, and it sucks because there's bugger all that can be done about it at this point.

 

I am an empathetic (and at this point, pathetic) soul, so I care...

[coastalchick]

Hello. Your story sounds just like mine. I was with a guy that I knew from the get-go wasn't for me, but I gave it a chance and ended up falling for him. Unfortunately, he always seemed to have one foot out the door. He wouldn't really tell me what was bothering him and he kinda had a relaxed attitude about the longevity of our relationship. Plus, I knew he was trying to sort out some "issues" of his own, which I foolishly tried to fix. I though that if I loved him enough, he would love me back, but it didn't work. Only after we broke up (three times including him cheating on me at the very end), did he mention what was bothering him. Some silly things that could have been easily resolved, and some issues that were clearly fundamental to our relationship. He had the nerve to ask "didn't you see that we were growing apart?" Obviously not. I'm not a mind reader, but that one question gnawed away at me.

 

It led to EXTREME GUILT. I thought if I was smarter I would have saw the signs and could have fixed the problems. He would've loved me back and not gone astray. I even thought that if I wasn't so strong-minded and independent, he wouldn't have left me. That in some way I made him feel inferior, so he looked for someone who is docile (which I came to find out is true). I kept bashing myself to the point where I didn't even want to be alone with myself. BUT, I eventually realized that if it was TRUE LOVE, he would have worked things out rather than run away. Like your girlfriend, if she truly (and I mean TRULY) cared, she would have sat down with you and talked to you. Open herself up to you, but she didn't, so no matter how much you loved her, it wasn't going to work out because she wasn't accepting it. Like my ex, your ex is obviously going through personal issues that have nothing to do with you. There's no way she can love you if she doesn't love herself. Like you, I cared about lot about my ex and the issues he was dealing with (even after he cheated on me), so I became empathetic and tried to love him even more. All the while foolishly thinking that love conquers. No, it doesn't.

 

I'm not 100% recovered, but I'm getting there. Rather than beat yourself up, give yourself credit and accept that you did everything that you could for her based on the information that she provided. For me, I knew that I loved him with all my heart and did everything I could for him. I never lied or played games, so I don't feel any guilt. I definitely feel pathetic for chasing after him and feel even more stupid knowing that all my caring gestures were futile, but hey, I wanted love and that's what humans do.

[Mario043]

@ coastalchick

 

Guilt is a horrible, horrible thing to deal with.. It's unproductive in that it looks to the past (ie what is done) as opposed to the future, which can be changed.. However, we all do it.. The degree to which is based upon our past experiences and personality types. I don't like any of this.. If I allow myself, I can easily fall to pieces.. But I don't, because I can't afford to.

 

Good luck to you and your journey towards recovery.

[coastalchick]

@Mario

 

"... looks to the past (ie what is done) as opposed to the future, which can be changed"--very true and i wholeheartedly agree that we need to focus on the road ahead of us instead of dwelling on the past. It's tough, but needs to be done.

 

Good luck on your road to recovery as well, and thank you for sharing your story.

[Thorshammer]

Guilt ripped me up, i kept remember how i sexually neglected her... all the while completely ignoring the WHY!? If she would have shut up, calmed down her anxiety, relaxed or tried to work on her depression, then maybe i would have felt better to make a move on someone who didnt feel like an old lady who desperately hired a gigaloo.

 

I went back and forth thinking of all the missed times to show her that she was sexy. Yet, i blocked out all the fights she started that almost had me literally kick down the walls. I blame myself for allowing women to chase me after the break up and her finding out, to me completely ignoring the fact she went with single girls to miami to party, and came back thinking life was better since she made friends and was without the only bf who took her bs and stayed.

 

Right now I am on careless mode. I am glad its over, my eyes are more open now than ever.

[winniethepooh]

Although I understand there are 2 people in every relationship, and both are typically responsible for it's success or lack thereof, I can't seem to shake the overwhelming, almost debilitating feelings of guilt. I understand this is not a healthy road to travel, but I still seem to be on it..

I think it's natural to feel guilt after a relationship ends, especially if you didn't want it to. You're looking within yourself for the reasons why it failed. Like this ...

 

I feel guilty because I missed the signs.. I feel guilty because I think I robbed her of an opportunity. I feel guilty because I still think I blew it.. I feel guilty because now she feels she didn't fulfill her father's wishes, even though no one could have predicted his untimely death.

But your reasoning process is screwed right now because you are emotionally overwhelmed from the sense of losing your partner, and the relationship break-up. I don't see anything you've written that are significant reasons for the relationship failure on your part, only contributing factors. Meaning, as long as she was detaching, or detached from any interest in working on the relationship, you were on a very difficult path to making it work.

 

She told my sister that she wanted to get married, but always had an "If it happens it happens" attitude which is more of an expectation than a goal.

Not really a helpful attitude for the success of a long-term relationship.

 

As you start to feel more rational, you will see more clearly why things didn't work out, and from the sounds of it so far, I expect your sense of guilt and responsibility for the failure will fade.

[Mario043]

Thanks for the insight.. I was going to say "I hope you're right," but I'm instead going to say, in time, You have to be right. For the sake of sanity and mental health, there can be no other way..

[Hope2011]

@ coastalchick

 

Thank you for sharing your story. Your story sounds all too familiar, but from the guy's side. I was the "blind" guy and continued to hurt the one I loved because I was afraid of love. I pushed her away because I could not acknowledge the signs of love. Your post makes me realize what I did to her.

 

I have guilt now for the way I treated her and I feel like scum because I lost her for good. It hurts when ones eyes open late. I have major guilt and a broken-heart. Anyone can say I deserve it, but I am weak because the guilt and the feeling that I am a horrible person.