Tips for getting passed the depression and moving on

[notopposed]

I've been reading a lot of posts on here recently about people who sound exactly how I sounded 1-2 months ago. I'm nearly three months out from my breakup and I made nearly every mistake you could make. But this past week I've really started to accept things and feel better.

 

I think there's three keys to getting to the point where you can move on.

 

A) The 'No Contact' idea

 

This really has to be no contact. You really have to erase your ex from your life. It makes it a whole lot easier to forget about things. This means deleting their number from your phone, defriending them on facebook, making yourself unable to see them on instant messenger services, deleting their pictures from your computer (after backing it up), and taking their gifts and boxing them away in a place that you can't access easily. It's also important to stop dreaming and fantasizing about your ex - although this is probably the last thing you'll be able to cut out completely and will take place after you start meeting new people.

 

B) Realizing why you're depressed and why you're making yourself more depressed

 

I really believe that depression in these cases is the result of you building up expectations in your mind that for the time being cannot be met. If you still have the expectation that your ex will miss you one day, and will come back then you'll never move on, and you'll keep running your mind into a wall. You're basically choosing to believe in something which may in fact be impossible. Think about how stressful that is on your mind when you think you can do something only for it to result in a negative outcome every time.

 

Lets face it - people break up with someone for a reason. Unless your breakup came after a big argument where tempers were high - chances are the breakup was thought out. There's no quick fix... and if you read most posts on here the exes generally don't come back until you've basically moved on and stopped caring (and then you usually don't want them back). What you're trying to do by reading these forums, posting on these forums, and holding on to hope is really unhealthy as you're constantly running your mind into a wall.

 

C) Dating other people

 

This won't happen as fast as books have you believe. The 'get your ex back' books make it sound like you can come immediately out of a breakup and start landing people left and right on online dating. I'd say maybe after 1-2 months from the breakup, especially if you began NC, you'll be attracting people and landing dates. If you land dates with the right people you're not instantly going to find the replacement for your 'soul mate' but you'll start to realize what qualities other people have that you like better than your ex, and also more importantly what qualities of your ex you didn't like (right now you can't think of those).

 

Once your mind is in a better place and you've begun to move on you'll start to feel that maybe you don't need your ex back. It's a powerful thing.

 

 

Note that I'm not saying it's impossible an ex won't come back. I'm just saying lose the hope. The odds are generally against you. It happens and there's plenty of success stories on here to back that up but if you continue to read success stories you are going to cause yourself to gain hope and become more depressed. Re-evaluate your situation if and when the time comes. The most important thing to do right now is to get yourself back.

 

Hope this helps. I'm no expert on this. This is coming from someone who's made all the mistakes... but also from someone who has read nearly every post on this site like 2 months ago and from someone who can put it all together. Also I've found somehow that not coming to these forums actually helps a lot in the healing process almost as a form of NC.

 

Best wishes to all of you

[Awoken]

Great advice. Thought you could also add

 

D) Working on you

 

Common advice from most people on the site. Improving yourself by working on fixing negative behaviours that have in the past and present broken your relationships. This will take a while, especially if you are finding it hard to identify them. Once you are able to say "Yip, I acknowledge these behaviours and I have honestly done a lot of work to fix them" I think you will then be able to move on into a more healthy and positive relationship.

 

That's just me adding to your well thought out list

[lonelyheart2]

Great list! Really appreciate it! I'm going to re-read it in low moments again

[Hope2011]

EXCELLENT post!!

[oreogod]

I made a post earlier today that contains a list of books and resources that should help you.

 

The big thing is changing your thoughts and you change your feelings. Every thought ypu have creates a chemical. That chemical creates a feeling in your body. So what ypu think you feel and the more ypu think about it the more ypu feel and the more you feel you think about it until it becomes a cycle. So ypu constantly have to monitor your thoughts and substitute them. If you've been in the old cycle long enough your body will fight your mind because it modified it self for the chemical bath of negetive feelings.

 

Whatever ypu think about grows in your mind. Whatever expectations you have will become reality. The type of thoughts you put into your reality color it and influence it. Catch yourself whenever you are thinking bad thoughts and are depressed. Those resources go into much more detail about how to break everything down and become powerful. Check them out.

[Hope2011]

I do agree with you. The power of the brain to fix dramatic experiences such as a break-up will do the natural thing and look back in the past. Do you have a few techinques that you want to share with us on ENA about how to change the state of mind?