Helping boyfriend with his sexual insecurity issues

[suxa]

Hello,

 

I'll try to be short and sweet, and I would appreciate well-thought responses from men.

 

My boyfriend and I've been together for almost two years now. I won't get into the details of my issues, but let's say that my boyfriend helped me out with it and I'm a better person as a result.

 

Anyways, he had something traumatic happen to him when he was in 5th grade (a best friend betrayed him and ostracized him from the entire school for a whole year). As a developing adolescent, he was curious about girls and his sexuality, but as a result of this terrible incident, he never felt comfortable talking to girls at such critical age. Then he justified to himself that with the message, "I don't want to talk to these girls.... I will meet the love of my life later, and everything will be perfect."

 

So I guess he felt insecure about talking to girls, though he really WANTED to, but made excuses to make himself feel okay. So before he met me, he was with 3 women, and had sex only 7 times. He was 27 when I met him. He has been saving himself for 'the one', and made some mistakes along the way... this is what he tells me.

 

Adding to the complication... When he asked me how many people I'd been with, I lied to him but 6 months of being with him, told him the truth. Before I told him the truth, everything was great...and I think he felt justified in his thinking that "I waited, and look what I ended up with. It was worth it"

 

But now, he tells me that he feels like a loser. "All these guys had sex with you, and it doesn't matter. I have wasted his life living a stupid lie..."

And, "The society tells men to be 'studs' and this is measured by how many women they CAN sleep with, and how many they HAVE."

 

Now, here is my question:

Do men really feel like studs because they've been with all these women?

Do men feel remorse after having sex with women they should have not had sex with?

Do men respect other men who has slept around, or are they seen as people with insecurities...or whatever.

 

I keep reminding him what a great man he is... because he is! He is great with sports, his hands, got a great job, and has the best of personalities. Did I mention that he's also very handsome?

 

Please give me your thoughts... I am trying to figure out the best ways to help him, and I'm not a man. I want to hear what men have to say about this. But of course, women are more than welcome to leave comments. Thank you.

[agent1607307371]

I am trying to figure out the best ways to help him,

 

Give him the numbers of some therapists.

 

Seriously. This is his issue, and you, to him, are part of the problem. You can't fix him. Only he can.

[lost_in_ translation]

Sorry I'm not a man...

 

but I just wanted to say that it sounds like the real issue is trust. He doesn't trust you now that you lied and came clean. I think you need to discuss THIS issue with him and worry about the sexual partners, etc. later.

[Mr Man]

Hi there,

 

I may be able to offer a unique insight! I'm 25 and I have slept with 3 women. Most of my male friends have slept with many more, and one of my best mates lost count after hitting the 60 margin! I am PROUD that I have been with 3 women intimately because I have standards! I get plenty attention from women and could sleep with a lot more but I choose not to...why?... because I enjoy the intimacy and timelessness - yes I love ravaging a woman (HA!) but (and I don't care if this sounds funny!) I love the closeness... I can't imagine having sex with a woman and not wanting to be close to her afterwards.

 

So do some men really feel like studs because they've been with lots of women? Yep, I think so

 

Do men feel remorse after having sex with women they should not have slept with? Some do, some don't. My mate who broke the 60 barrier certainly does! But not in the way you'd expect... he's a good looking guy and only regrets the ugly ones!... he doesn't regret sleeping with an attractive woman even if he really hates her as a person - and he's done it!

 

Do men respect other men who have slept around? Again, some men do, some men don't. Personally, I don't care in the least how many women a man has slept with - it doesn't effect my respect for him at all (so long as he isn't hurting any one and isn't cheating). I can also confidently say that the guys who know I've only been with 3 women have a lot of respect for me because there is a lot to respect! I'm strong minded, secure, reliable, loyal, interesting and fun to be around - me not lowering my standards only adds to that respect, I think! No one cares and I don't hide it.

 

 

Some men clearly are insecure and that's why they sleep around. Some have had their heart broken and they're just scared of being alone and/or are too weak and scared to let themselves be vulnerable again - sleeping with lots of women gives them a sense of intimacy... some men are insecure in other ways - maybe in the way that they don't feel like a 'real man' and don't love themselves, so they think that sleeping with lots of women ups their status and will make them feel better about themselves...

 

Some men (like my 60+ mate!) sleep with lots of women just because they enjoy lots of sex with different women! LOL... they are fine with having sex with a woman and then leaving before she wakes up the next morning - but that just isn't for me. I have a stupidly high sex-drive but I'd rather give it all to one woman I really love!

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

I've been single for 3ish months now and yes, I do get a little turned off if I know a woman has been with 10+ guys. But that's not to say when I meet someone special again it will matter in the least if she's been with quite a few guys- i'd just rather not, but could easily get over it... Your man is insecure and needs to love himself a bit more... reassure him and be patient.

 

Hope it works out for you both!

[suxa]

agent,

We are also looking for good therapists to help him wish his issues. Yes, I agree with you. Me being in his life makes it really difficult for him, and we've decided to stop living together as well as end our relationship. However, I still want to help because he needs someone to support him through these tough times.

 

lost_in_translation,

We've worked through most of his trust issues already, and this is a totally separate issue altogether. This is just about his insecurities regarding his manhood.

 

Mr Man

Thanks for answering my questions in detail.

I have another question for you, if you don't mind.

 

What do you think you get out of being you? What have you gotten out of it? My boyfriend feels like a loser for having lived the way he has when others screw all the women in the world, and these guys can end up with a woman who's never been with anyone else.

 

Thanks for all the comments so far, but would like some more input.

[Ariel85]

Anyways, he had something traumatic happen to him when he was in 5th grade (a best friend betrayed him and ostracized him from the entire school for a whole year). As a developing adolescent, he was curious about girls and his sexuality, but as a result of this terrible incident, he never felt comfortable talking to girls at such critical age.

 

I'm not sure I agree that 11 years old is a critical time in one's sexual development, nor in how they interact in the long-term with the opposite sex. It does sound like he uses it as a great crutch, however, and I think the real issue is that you lying to him re-triggered the betrayal he felt as a child at the hands of a friend.

[suxa]

Ariel85,

 

Thanks for the comment. As I said in my previous post, yes, I recognize why he feels like this, and it's because of the trigger. That's fine. I accept the responsibility, and we are already dealing with that issue. This is a separate issue that I am trying to address.

Can you help me answer the questions that I asked???

[Ariel85]

Ariel85,

 

Thanks for the comment. As I said in my previous post, yes, I recognize why he feels like this, and it's because of the trigger. That's fine. I accept the responsibility, and we are already dealing with that issue. This is a separate issue that I am trying to address.

Can you help me answer the questions that I asked???

 

 

But if you agree that his feelings are based on the lie retriggering his trauma, then you also realize that your questions are actually irrelevant, because this isn't about him feeling unstudly or having sexual insecurity issues. It's about him reliving betrayal at the hands of someone he trusted. Retriggers can be very powerful, and other issues are often used to mask the real trauma.

[Mr Man]

Hi,

 

sorry for the late response. I think you're thinking about this in the wrong way.

 

I'm very proud of the man I am and I'm very comfortable in my own skin. I've come through a lot in life and have survived things that most wouldn't. My approach to women does not affect that in any way - that is the point. You're boyfriend seems insecure in his over-all self. Some guys sleep with loads of girls... So what... I'm me, I love myself and I know I deserve the best. Some guys sleep with loads of girls... so what... I'd like to see them achieve half the things I have achieved! I don't actually consciously think these things in the real world, it's just an attitude.

 

bottom line...Your boyfriend feels like a loser becuase he's insecure. I doubt he feels that way solely because he hasn't slept with 60 women! I'm sure he's a lovely guy but but it sounds like some self-love is needed! He and I haven't slept with loads of women for different reasons, but the essence is the same - A woman has to have something really special about her for me to want to be with her in that way. The difference is I'm PROUD of it!... why am I proud of it? Because it's come from me and I'm proud of the man I am - I wouldn't want to be any other way.