Some insight from outside sources would be appreciated!

[Silko]

So I have been reading this forum for well over 2 weeks now and I believe there are alot of honest and caring people here. So I wanted to post my situation and see if I could receive some insight from everyone. Thanks in adance.

 

My ex and I were best friends in high school. She dated my best friend and the time and so she was off limits to me. However, our friendship grew nonetheless. After high school we lost contact for a good while. Skip forward 15 years and I have went through a divorce and so has she. She has 2 children and I have none. We met back up through facebook and decided to hangout with some friends of ours from years past. Long story short she feel for me hard and really pushed for our relationship. I had just removed myself from a prior relationship and was needing time for myself. Instead I only took a month and jumped right into this with my friend.

 

So over the 3 year course of our relationship, we lived together, lost a child together and I feel in love with her and her children. However, my own insecurities from my previous divorce began to pop up causing a wedge to come in between us. I also was working full-time and trying to start a busy on the side. So I spent so much time working that when I did arrive home, she would have the children in bed with her and I would head to the couch. She had spent the prior 6 years before me, learning to be a single mother and so she was so wrapped up in her children that she was unable to really reach out and help me. She is a really sexually driven woman and she was not getting what she needed from me at the time. So the wedge grew larger to a point where she finally came to me stating that she felt we had become roomates doing what roommates do and paying bills. We had gotten engaged, but we never pulled the trigger for the marriage. So we decided to mutually split and part as friends as we were the best of friends. She was adamant that I stay in her life and the girls life and come and see our dog and not go "invisible". So I got a new place and began to try and move forward with my life with my friend. That was in August. However, the friend thing began to actually cause me more harm than good. I realized that I could live without them, but that I honestly loved them and wanted to spent the rest of my life with her. So I told her that I could no longer be just her friend as I still loved her and that she no longer felt the same way. She stated that she did still love me, but she knew we were not right for each other. She stated that we made better friends than lovers. I was so broken hearted that I just went away for a few weeks to try and gather my thoughts and work through this. During that time, we would talk once in a while either through email, text or over the phone. Now it has gotten to the point of being only via email and only if I initiate the contact were she is cordial and collected. Sometimes taking an hour or more before responding.

We dont discuss the relationship, but her cousin talked to her on my behalf wanting to know where she stood with me and she stated that she just wanted to move on. I am a wreck at this point, but trying to hold it together around her. I am very calm and collected as I have to be strong. She will be in my life in some fashion for a long time to come as I went into business with her brother.

 

The thing is there is no one else in her life currently and she seems content with her and her children (when her ex-husband doesnt have them). Her family all loves me and are really broken up over our break up. It has been such a tough time.

 

 

The bottom line is that I have spent the last 2 months working on my own insecurities and learning to be a better man and lover, but I long for my friend and what truly has been my soul mate for over 25 years. I miss her so.

 

I plan to go by and get our dog for a day in the park tomorrow, but she wont be there. She is taking her children to the movies, I suppose to intentually not see me.

 

So my question is this, I realize that my problems and our problems caused the demise of the realtionship and I am diligently working to resolve those. I am just wanting some insight from others on what to do with her. I have the patience of job and am willing to wait for her, but will her heart ever change back for me and should I do anything more than I currently am?

[rosephase]

You say you have spent these two months becoming a better lover and a better man, what have you been doing?

 

Has she told you what she thought was missing in the relationship?

[Awoken]

Very tough situation. What you need to make sure you are doing is looking after yourself and working on ALL the issues you believe hindred you current and past relationships. If you haven't you should see a counsellor, this will help identify some issues you may not even realise you have. Remember you can only take responsibility for 'your' own actions/behaviours. This may take longer than you think too. I am going through that process right now. Found some great material online by Al Turtle. Really good relationship stuff. Which has helped me along my pathway of healing.

 

I can see the connection with your ex is very strong. But I strongly suggest you follow this path first before you do anything else. Hope it helps.

[Mephisto13]

It's unfortunate. You jumped into this relationship too quickly. She was ready (after 6 years of being single) and you were recently broken up. You never healed...while she was ready and rearing to go.

 

I'm sorry to say that right now, you have to heal from your previous relationship AS WELL as this one. She doesn't want you anymore, so that will help you (with your thoughts of getting back together...it takes two to tango).

 

If you truly want to get back together with her, to get an honest shot...you have to 1) work on your problems alone (and you can't say "I've changed!", at this point it will be action more than words, and 2) give her the time and space to miss you (which includes no contact, cept for the children, you can make exceptions with the children, but as long as she isn't around - remember, strive for no contact).

 

As time passes you by, you will either realize that you'll never get back together and stop "waiting' for her...or you'll figure you that you were never meant to be together anyway, but good friends (and you'll reconnect at that level)...or she'll like seeing these changes in you and come back to you.

 

But waiting for her until the end of time = an unfortunately long griefstricken life filled with pain, incomprehension, resentment with no joy and happiness.

[Angler]

So my question is this, I realize that my problems and our problems caused the demise of the realtionship and I am diligently working to resolve those. I am just wanting some insight from others on what to do with her. I have the patience of job and am willing to wait for her, but will her heart ever change back for me and should I do anything more than I currently am?

 

I don't have any specific advice, but I can completely identify with the parts in bold, so I feel for you big time.

 

Keep strong. You're not alone.

[Silko]

I am currently seeing a wonderful counselor and working with my doctor on my testosterone levels. I know that I wont see a quick resolve to everything, but I am diligent and driven man. I love her with everything that is in me and have since we first met 25 years ago. I just wish I could understand more of her current feelings, but I understand too that even knowing those things will not resolve anything.

 

I really do appreciate the responses. This site of so full of wonderful people.

[sonypirates]

What were your issues with your previous marriage?

 

What were your problems sexually? Was it simply lack of sex drive or specifics involving actual sex?

[Angler]

working with my doctor on my testosterone levels.

 

How old are you if I may ask?

 

Hitting the gym, especially moderate to heavy lifting, would be great for you: You'll look better, it releases happy chemicals (lord knows I've needed them) and it increases testosterone naturally.

[Silko]

36 years old. I just work an average of 16 hours per day and am usually exhausted when I get in.

 

With my previous job I traveled alot and would be gone for long periods of time, while I was gone I found out my ex-wife had been cheating on me with someone and we ended it. It was painful. My new ex was so understanding as she too had divorced for the same reason. I just could never let the demon inside go from the hurt that it caused me.

[Silko]

And to answer about sexual drive, I was fine from that point, but it was more that I was tired alot and really after didnt initiate intamacy. She didnt either so we just drifted.

[Silko]

So since the split between us, she goes out some with firends, but has become even more absorbed in her children and her religion. She is now opening speaking from a point of "faith" to people. She was never a really religious person before, though her family roots are of such.

[sonypirates]

Do you still work those extended hours? Totally understandable about lack of sex after those kind of hours. But I'm wondering if anything would really change between you two if you still work that long (relationship wise not just sex). Will require lots of communication and understanding from the both of you.