advice needed...difficult situation

[softy]

please tell me if i'm being unreasonable or if i'm justified. at this point i don't even know what's going on.

 

i think i know i need to break up with him but i just don’t know how to do it. today was an eye opener for me in terms of our relationship and where it would ever go.

 

long story short, i’m pregnant. i didn’t want to tell him i was, but in the end i did because it was the right thing to do. i think, anyway. i knew he would be upset if i didn’t tell him.

 

i spent all day crying at work, while cheerfully talking to him online. but my virtual facade starts to crack and i’m not saying much to him and he keeps asking why. he says he wants to be there for me. he says he wants me to talk to him.

 

so i do. i’m freaking out. and he can’t handle it at all. i tell him to “just shut up” because all he’s saying is, you’re right, and he stops talking to me, just like that. he says, if i tell him to shut up, then he will shut up. i’m pregnant, i’m getting an abortion in 48 hours, doing all this myself, paying for the whole thing myself (he never even offered), and he’s being sensitive because i told him to “just shut up.” he says he doesn’t understand why i have to take it out on him.

 

how about because you’re the one who convinced me it would be okay to have unprotected sex? i kept asking for a condom but he told me again and again that it would be okay because you did it with all your other girlfriends and it was always fine. and because i trusted him, and also because i’m a moron, i let him do it. and now he doesn't want to be involved in the difficulty of the situation because he can’t handle things when they get rough.

 

keep in mind, i’m not even being saying anything nasty to him. i’m just saying that he doesn’t understand, but he’s insisting he does. he doesn’t know the first thing about being there for someone. it’s not just sitting there while the person is calmly explaining the situation. it’s understanding why the person is losing her * * * * because let’s fface it, abortion can be pretty traumatizing even if you are pro-choice like i am.

 

and then he says, everything you say just makes me want to give up. maybe that makes me a terrible person. i say, i can’t believe you said that. he says, see? even that.

 

even that? you just told me you wanted to give up just because i’m freaking out over something pretty significant that i have to go through and that i think is pretty justified that i am freaking out about.

 

and then he says, your freakouts don’t have to be continuous negativity towards me. that’s all they are.

 

we rarely fight. i never really yell at him or nag him about anything. this is the first time in our entire relationship that i’ve been even mildly upset about anything. and to top it all off, it’s lasted about 10-15 minutes. and the reason for it is because i am having an abortion. not because i’m just PMSing or in a bad mood. 10-15 minutes of me being upset qualifies as “continuous negativity”?

 

he says he doesn’t understand why i can’t deal with this calmer.

 

i can’t believe that in this situation, he is still putting his feelings ahead of mine. he can’t even fathom the psychological trauma that i’m going through right now and thinks i’m being unreasonable. and frankly it’s hurtful and insulting to be treated like a raving lunatic when i’m going through something that would justifiably make anybody upset. and when he said he was about to give up on me, my heart just about broke. because at that moment i knew that i could not be with someone who could so easily give up on me. someone who claimed he wanted to be there for me, but really just liked the idea of being there for me and not actually following through. anyone can be there for someone if all there is to do is to quietly hold their hand while they don’t say anything. but when you really love someone, you understand if they need to scream at you even if it’s not your fault. you let them vent to you because there’s nothing else they can do. you sacrifice your feelings for an hour or so to be there for them, to be what they need you to be. i never thought it really mattered whether a boyfriend was there for you or not. but today, for the first time, i realized how much it mattered. and i realized how impossible that was for him to do. i feel like i can’t be with him anymore, knowing what i know now. i just don’t know what to do. any advice much appreciated.

[Furbys]

Well i'm sorry to hear that you are going to go through this, i hope you have your family and friends to support you (even if they don't know, it is nice to know they are there). But one lesson here has been learned, unprotected sex means you will most likely get pregnant even if the guy has done it before and been lucky enough to not have this happen, never risk it again because you wouldn't want to go through this trauma again.

 

You are hormonal, upset about the situation and him as a partner, this is understandable you are going through a very difficult thing. He has shown you that he will not support you during a very difficult time, he cares about himself more than you and this says alot. Leave him, he does not care about your feelings and you deserve to be with someone who respects you, your body and your choices. Does anyone else know about your pregnancy? Please continue to come here and express your feelings because this is very difficult for you and us ENAers are here to support you.

[softy]

thank you for your response. no one knows except him, and i only told him because i felt it was the right thing to do. this isn't something that i want out in the open.

 

tonight i just wanted to talk to distract myself from what's coming up very soon. he said he wanted to be there for me, but i knew he didn't want to actually deal with a serious issue so i just wanted to keep it light and easy. he was completely unresponsive and it turns out that he was playing starcraft, and he said he would just talk to me after. so he couldn't even give up playing starcraft for one night or even a couple hours just to talk to me and help me get my mind off this.

[Furbys]

Well that shows you how inconsiderate, useless of a partner, friend and person he is. He doesn't want to face up to his responsibility and that shows how weak of a character he is. You are better off without him.

 

If you need someone to talk to before or after then don't hesitate to post again or even PM me. You need support around during a time like this, don't go through it on your own.

[Snny]

Ok... lets takes this all in stride.

 

we rarely fight. i never really yell at him or nag him about anything. this is the first time in our entire relationship that i’ve been even mildly upset about anything. and to top it all off, it’s lasted about 10-15 minutes. and the reason for it is because i am having an abortion. not because i’m just PMSing or in a bad mood. 10-15 minutes of me being upset qualifies as “continuous negativity”?

"Mildly upset?" I don't know about you but I would be freaking out too if I were in your shoes! And I'm also not sure if it's possible to come down with "PMS" when you're pregnant.

 

he says he doesn’t understand why i can’t deal with this calmer.

 

i can’t believe that in this situation, he is still putting his feelings ahead of mine. he can’t even fathom the psychological trauma that i’m going through right now and thinks i’m being unreasonable. and frankly it’s hurtful and insulting to be treated like a raving lunatic when i’m going through something that would justifiably make anybody upset. and when he said he was about to give up on me, my heart just about broke. because at that moment i knew that i could not be with someone who could so easily give up on me. someone who claimed he wanted to be there for me, but really just liked the idea of being there for me and not actually following through. anyone can be there for someone if all there is to do is to quietly hold their hand while they don’t say anything.

You know what? You're right. He doesn't understand and never will comprehend what it's like to be pregnant, to go through the hormones, and to deal with the labor pains. He will never ever experience that. I think your expectations here are screaming "Why doesn't he do something? Why doesn't he support me?" From your whole thread, there isn't much indication that he doesn't care about you other than the unprotected sex... but it's clear he is completely scared and is speechless.

 

You already made the decision to have an abortion and have expressed that to him. I'm not sure if this decision was made with or without his input but you come off that you are quick to react. What is his stance on this whole situation? From what you described, he sounds a little dismayed because you are cutting him off by telling him to "Shut Up," yelling at him for only 10-15 minutes, and you are making a choice without him. I don't think you are giving him a chance in this at all based on the information you posted here. This is NOT how two partners cooperate. If you both are willing to go through the abortion, then cool. However... if he isn't ok with you having an abortion and you go through with it anyway... you will lose his support. Men also take abortion seriously believe it or not.

 

but when you really love someone, you understand if they need to scream at you even if it’s not your fault. you let them vent to you because there’s nothing else they can do. you sacrifice your feelings for an hour or so to be there for them, to be what they need you to be.

I don't 100% agree with this view. Yes, people need to vent time to time, but not everyone can take it easily as you expect them to... especially since your boyfriend is apart of the problem. He is just as freaked out as you are, so snapping at him and shutting him away from it is not going to help either of you.

 

My advice? I've never been pregnant myself but I have worked with young girls who have been knocked up. It helps to calm down, try talking to him again with a clear mind, and BOTH of you come up with an agreement of how you are going to handle this issue. If you shut him out of this... he isn't going to be the supportive boyfriend you expect him to be and you can't 100% blame him for not wanting to support you if you don't let him.

[Snny]

tonight i just wanted to talk to distract myself from what's coming up very soon. he said he wanted to be there for me, but i knew he didn't want to actually deal with a serious issue so i just wanted to keep it light and easy. he was completely unresponsive and it turns out that he was playing starcraft, and he said he would just talk to me after.

There are two ways to look at this:

 

1. He is blowing off some steam by playing video games. Like you said, you don't want to think about this issue and neither does he. This is a tough situation for both of you. Men will typically do this when they are stressed out. Video games provide an escapism. If he says he will call you back, then chill. If he doesn't in at least two days, I would be worried.

 

2. You know him better than anyone on this forum... if you truly KNOW he is dodging you on purpose, then yes he is being insensitive.

 

 

Did you just recently found out you were pregnant though or has this been going on?

[blackwings]

While I completely understand how stressful this is for you and you are at perfect liberty to freak out and to seek out support, I think you're being pretty harsh on him. He can't really understand your position completely, but you aren't really trying to understand his either. You may be the one who is pregnant but, that baby is his also. Did he have any input in the decision to have an abortion? Has he even had time to process this whole thing yet? He's probably freaking out too. You just need to try to calm down and speak to him when you aren't feeling so emotional. After all, you told him to "just shut up." How supportive would you be of him if he said that to you? You placing a lot of blame and frustration onto him. You had every right to refuse to have unprotected sex with him, but you did not. He didn't force you, did he?

[softy]

thank you snny. yes, i just found out last night and i told him immediately. there actually wasn't even a question of whether or not i would keep it. he is barely employed and still lives with his parents. he pretty much expected me to "take care of the situation", but we both confirmed it after i made the appointment and he said he would drive me.

 

i know he isn't freaked out. he actually doesn't even realize how big a deal this is. he thinks i'm just going to drop by the doctor's office for a little procedure and that's that. he does not understand at all why there would be any emotional fallout from this whole situation. i know he's not blowing off steam by playing video games because it's not even on his mind. he literally is just playing video games because he'd rather do that than help me cope with a pending abortion.

 

he said that it's hard for him to want to be there for me when i'm hysterical and upset. but isn't that when you need someone most? for them to help you calm down and believe everything will be fine? when he said he'd be there for me, he thought all i would do is lie calmly in his arms and say, baby i'm scared about this saturday but i'm glad you'll be there for me. and all he would have to do is hug me and say, it'll be okay.

 

don't we all wish it was that easy...

[toby17]

Hold up. You're hiding how you really feel about the abortion and you're mad because he hasn't guessed or isn't behaving the way you think he should. This is ridiculous. No one reads minds. Tell him how you feel and if he still acts like a douchebag, judge him on that.

 

Second, you only had unprotected sex because he told you it would be okay? Does he have magic powers over his sperm? Or do you not understand how reproduction works? You're both responsible for contraception. Since you were happy to have sex with him without a condom, why weren't you on the pill?

[abitbroken]

If you just found out last night you were pregnant and have not been pregnant for months, why not take a day or two to cool off and talk? So what if his parents "expect him" to take care of "it." It doesn't matter what they think (and they could have made a kneejerk reaction too but might NOT even know whats going on). And people who are unemployed get jobs. If you do not want to be with this man, it doesn't mean you have to make a snap decision - you can if you want to adopt the baby out or keep him/her regardless of if he is going to stand by you or not. Or you can continue with your choice. But just take a moment to breathe. You didn't give him even a moment to even breathe and think about this either. Have you had a heart to heart or have you just been lashing out?

 

Nothing is easy, but you can't go through life blaming other people. Go seek some counseling or support from a close friend or parent if you don't feel he is holding your hand and "being there" like you think. He just found out. I think its too early to expect a mature reaction.

 

I think you are really angry at him like "he did this to you" but I agree with other posters you are EQUALLY responsible for what happened.