Please need help asap; guys who have been the dumper especially!!!

[LightInTheSky]

Ok so i've posted my story on hear before and since then although it has not been long I have come a tremendous way in the moving on process. I am now posed with a new problem. I'm hoping one day me and my ex can be on friendly (although not friend-friend) terms, if that makes any sense. We had a relatively nice break-up, no fights, no anger, just issues to do with the time in our lives, our age, and some compatibility stuff. In 2 days I must start working with him again. We met at work last season and I have nooooo idea how to handle this. The few times we have run into each other at university have been very awkward even though when we broke up we said we would be fine working together and we didn't want to be enemies or anything like that. So guys here is a question for you, as a dumper are you ever fine with being on friendly terms with the ex a few months after a clean break-up? If you weren't ok with friendly contact what were the reasons for that? Were they fixable reasons or permanent? So far he has made no attempt for real contact except for the awkward "hellos" at school. Keep in mind my goal is NOT to get back together but to establish friendly contact so we can work well together. We were a big part of each others lives and got each other through some tough times. I want to respect his space but i'm beginning to get worried about work this weekend.

[Awoken]

Hey LightInTheSky. How long were you guys together?

 

Just makes a difference whether your 'friendship' will be safe. You say that you don't want to get back together with him, but what if he feels differently? Your NEW relationship with him makes things very complicated. Especially working together.

 

Maybe just see how things go this weekend before making any serious decisions.

[LightInTheSky]

We were together for only 8 months, I know in the grand scheme of life its not very long but we were both each others first serious relationships (we're only 18 and 20 years old) It has occurred to me that when we start working together in the same environment and under the same conditions that we first met in, that nostalgia may rear it's ugly head and make him question his decision. However, I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of repeating history. Being in the same place and restarting things does not bode well for the future in my mind and I think he would agree, we were very similar in a lot of our views. The last few times i've seen him at school we haven't talked but I am getting some very weird vibes. A bit like anger or sadness. He has also gained a bit of weight and it takes all my strength not to ask him if he's ok because a part of me still and probably always will care about him. Do you think I should just keep my distance this weekend or should I say "Hi, hows it going"?

[Awoken]

Good question. You two are still really young. 8 months is only a short time BUT this is probably the end part of your Infatuation Phase. Heading into the "I think we maybe in love" phase. Maybe he was scared of this? Him gaining weight might be a sign of him being depressed? Possibly. Maybe.

 

When you see him at work, well if you see him, maybe check his body language out. Does he look nervous? Is he fidgeting? Does he look like he wants to just run and hide? If he does then maybe just stick to the generic "Hey (ex's name)" and carry on with your work. If it's the opposite have a QUICK conversation with him. Keep it non-emotional and then...carry on with your work

[LightInTheSky]

Hmmm i'd never thought about reacting to his body language, I will definitely keep an eye on that. To be honest I think the weight gain comes from a lack of sex life haha. Not that he isn't out there having fun, I really don't know if he is, but lets just say we had very good, young, compatible labido's and it seems logical that that may be part of it can't believe I just told the internet world that

[winniethepooh]

Ok so i've posted my story on hear before and since then although it has not been long I have come a tremendous way in the moving on process. I am now posed with a new problem. I'm hoping one day me and my ex can be on friendly (although not friend-friend) terms, if that makes any sense.

This is not a new problem. Or an old problem. Or any sort of problem. It's simply something you shouldn't be focusing on at the moment. Your first priority is to look after yourself, and get over the breakup. I understand from your other thread he left you.

 

Keep in mind my goal is NOT to get back together but to establish friendly contact so we can work well together.

And yet in your breakup post you said this ...

 

and I'm curious to know if anyone thinks there many be a possibility for us getting back together in the distant future once we've both grown and had our fun? i'm not clinging to this hope but it does seem to me to be a possibility.

If you have conflicting goals, you have to either find a way to remove the conflict, or choose one and focus on that.

 

He hasn't given you the choice of focusing on a relationship now. So what you need to focus on is getting over him, having as little contact as possible with him, and being professional in the workplace when you do see him. Treat him as any other colleague that you are NOT friends with. Because you're not.

 

You might want to consider talking to your boss so that at least you don't have to work in the same room as him.

 

None of what I say is intended to alienate him, although you or him might think that. It's intended to get you to a place where you are actually in a position to decide if you want a friendship or not with him, or a relationship in the future. At the moment you're not there.

 

And to answer your question, I have one very good friend who is an ex. That wasn't our goal when we broke up (relatively amicably and mutually). We just reconnected a few months later and took it from there. We were both sure we'd gotten over each other and we've never had any desire to rekindle a relationship. Two out of four other exes I've reconnected with in a friendly way but I would hesitate to say there's any sort of friendship.

 

The only thing you can be sure of now is that you will see things differently in a few months time. You don't know how differently yet.

[Awoken]

Hmmm i'd never thought about reacting to his body language, I will definitely keep an eye on that. To be honest I think the weight gain comes from a lack of sex life haha. Not that he isn't out there having fun, I really don't know if he is, but lets just say we had very good, young, compatible labido's and it seems logical that that may be part of it can't believe I just told the internet world that

 

Well that's what makes the internet an amazing place to say what you want, because nobody knows who you are! Unless your name is really LightInTheSky? Then I can understand why your ex is your ex JOKES. Anyway, If you know your ex well enough his body langague will tell you a lot about how he is feeling. You can test this out by just watching other people you know or work with. Watching them interact with each other. Peoples B/L changes dramatically when they are with people the love/like as opposed to 'those' other people.

 

I'm friends with 3 out 5 of my ex's. 1 I have no choice as she is the mother of my two beautiful daughters

[LightInTheSky]

Thanks for the post winniethepooh, I should definitely address some of my first posts on hear. When I first joined ENA i was in a very mixed up state of mind as too what my feelings were. Although it has only been about 2 weeks since my first post I can definitely say I don't want to get back together with him. I won't lie i still miss him at times, but I've realized I will be ok and the times of missing him are getting fewer and fewer. Through reading lots of threads and even responding to some I have come to realize things about the relationship that I couldn't see before I came to this site. The most important being that I lost myself over the 8 months. After I realized that I started to actually get really excited at the thought of getting not my ex back, but ME back. I have started scuba diving, reconnected with A LOT of friends that I lost touch with over the last year and most importantly I have thrown my self into my university studies in a way that I NEVER did in high school. I've gone from a C+ average high school student to a A- university student and i've become really proud of that. Those are just a few of the things I've started doing to heal myself and move on As to working in the same room, we are ski instructors so luckily we won't have to see each other to much but its a relatively small mountain with a family like atmosphere which has just reminded me that because we were together last season and no one from work knows we've broken up there are gunna be some explanations to give.

[LightInTheSky]

Well that's what makes the internet an amazing place to say what you want, because nobody knows who you are! Unless your name is really LightInTheSky? Then I can understand why your ex is your ex JOKES. Anyway, If you know your ex well enough his body langague will tell you a lot about how he is feeling. You can test this out by just watching other people you know or work with. Watching them interact with each other. Peoples B/L changes dramatically when they are with people the love/like as opposed to 'those' other people.

 

Haha no no my real name is not LightInTheSky, if it were i'd have bigger issues than talking to my ex

[Awoken]

Maybe you could suggest to your boss that your ex's "current condition" could be a safety risk for other skiers? (I have no idea why I'm in a joking mood, I'm still mourning my ex dumping me!!)

[winniethepooh]

The most important being that I lost myself over the 8 months. After I realized that I started to actually get really excited at the thought of getting not my ex back, but ME back. I have started scuba diving, reconnected with A LOT of friends that I lost touch with over the last year and most importantly I have thrown my self into my university studies in a way that I NEVER did in high school. I've gone from a C+ average high school student to a A- university student and i've become really proud of that.

Ahhhhhhh Well, there you go. That is great to read.

 

Go back and read that when you do feel like getting back together with him, especially if he asks. That might happen.

 

because we were together last season and no one from work knows we've broken up there are gunna be some explanations to give.

You don't owe anyone there an explanation. If it comes up, just say your relationship ended, and you and he are doing your best to move on.

[LightInTheSky]

Maybe you could suggest to your boss that your ex's "current condition" could be a safety risk for other skiers? (I have no idea why I'm in a joking mood, I'm still mourning my ex dumping me!!)

 

Ah yes the mourning makes us do silly things, to be honest i think my ex is always a safety risk to other skiers lol he spends most of his time doing jumps and tricks and stuff with his friends, not exactly safe.

 

You don't owe anyone there an explanation. If it comes up, just say your relationship ended, and you and he are doing your best to move on.

 

I'm sure everyone there will be respectful of our privacy however it will be a bit weird at first cause being two of the youngest there we were kind of everyone's "pet couple" they thought it was adorable haha I think i'll just say "we ended a few months ago but it wasn't horrible so there's no need for anyone to feel awkward"

[Awoken]

True. I think maybe I'm starting to feel better. Cause less than a week ago I would've been telling you to "GO BACK to him, beg him to take you back, do anything you can to get him to see how much you love him", Now I'm cracking weak jokes at others expense My Bad.

 

I think you'd be surprised at how much people won't actually care that much...if they are the same age as you they would be more interested in when the next party is and how long it is before work finishes!!

[Thorshammer]

I didnt want to be friends with an ex after a break-up, both as a dumpee or dumper. I just dont see a reason.

 

But, its up to you and him. I would just play it out and see how it goes. You shouldnt be putting any effort to be a friend with him or not. In time both of you wont care anyway, i chatted with and made out with ex's that broke up with me in horrible ways, if i sat there to remember what they did, then i would just be angry and bitter.

[Awoken]

I didnt want to be friends with an ex after a break-up, both as a dumpee or dumper. I just dont see a reason.

 

But, its up to you and him. I would just play it out and see how it goes. You shouldnt be putting any effort to be a friend with him or not. In time both of you wont care anyway, i chatted with and made out with ex's that broke up with me in horrible ways, if i sat there to remember what they did, then i would just be angry and bitter.

 

Agree with Thorshammer. Anger and Bitterness are the worst feelings to have. I have been struggling with these feeling myself right now. For what ever reason these two feelings seem to mask everything else, making you feel better in the present. Sadly, they just eat away at you and eventually ALL the other emotions come back 10 times stronger. Love can suck sometimes

[Melting]

I think you just need to see how it pans out on the first day.

 

My ex got a job where I work a month after we broke up, it devastated me the thought of it. Today it is 3wks on and it is still extremely awkward, he seems to be ok and is the only one who initiates any contact. Inside I am a complete mess, I just wanted to heal on my own, without him in my face every day.

[Thorshammer]

Agree with Thorshammer. Anger and Bitterness are the worst feelings to have. I have been struggling with these feeling myself right now. For what ever reason these two feelings seem to mask everything else, making you feel better in the present. Sadly, they just eat away at you and eventually ALL the other emotions come back 10 times stronger. Love can suck sometimes

 

Yeah, thats why I cant take an ex back... that doesnt mean I didnt try, had fun, then dumped them back.

 

Sue me...

[LightInTheSky]

I think you just need to see how it pans out on the first day.

 

My ex got a job where I work a month after we broke up, it devastated me the thought of it. Today it is 3wks on and it is still extremely awkward, he seems to be ok and is the only one who initiates any contact. Inside I am a complete mess, I just wanted to heal on my own, without him in my face every day.

 

Were you the dumper or dumpee in this situation? I hope as you continue to move on and adjust that it gets easier for you. Its seem odd that he would choose to start work at the same place as you. The thought of working with him doesn't devastate me, i'm just stressed because I have no idea what will happen and me and the ex have no real friends in common anymore that I could ask how he is doing and where his head is at.

 

I didnt want to be friends with an ex after a break-up, both as a dumpee or dumper. I just dont see a reason.

 

But, its up to you and him. I would just play it out and see how it goes. You shouldnt be putting any effort to be a friend with him or not. In time both of you wont care anyway, i chatted with and made out with ex's that broke up with me in horrible ways, if i sat there to remember what they did, then i would just be angry and bitter.

 

I don't get bitter or angry when thinking about him breaking up with me. Of course there have been moments when I feel that anger but they are getting less and less because the truth is I would never want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. At the end of the day I loved him... but I love me more (Probably selfish but hey i'm young ) I think thats one of the reasons I can't see myself getting back together. I don't think I could ever trust that he wouldn't fall out of love with me again. It doesn't make me angry just a bit sad. I agree in time I won't care actually last night I hung out with one of my ex's (just a friends) from a year ago and it was amazing how much we had both moved on and no longer had ANY feelings for each other, in fact we didn't even bother talking about the past, it was nice. If it weren't for this work thing I would just leave it until we reached a natural time in our lives were we could interact and feel nothing, unfortunately I don't get that luxury.

[LightInTheSky]

So i just thought I would wrap up this thread for those of you wondering how it turned out.... The loser didn't even turn up!!!!! I was so incredibly nervous for nooo reason. I will of course see him at work eventually, i'm guessing he was away this weekend, i saw something about it on facebook last night. On the bright side it made me remember how much I love my job and the people there I don't think he'll be effecting me that much at work now that I've started I have so many other things to focus on. Thanks for the advice everyone, i'm sure i'll be using it eventually.

[winniethepooh]

Good to hear. You sound quite positive and upbeat about things, and well on the way to getting past this. Great for you

[LightInTheSky]

Thanks Yes today was a good day, but not every day has been good and i'm sure there will be a few bads left in my future, there is one last thing that is really holding me back though, I dream about him EVERY night. He has been in my dreams every G** D*** night since we broke up, im starting to fear sleep. It weird cause for 8 months he was never a person in any of my dreams both good or bad, and now he's always there, sometimes in the back ground and sometimes as the main charater. But I'm thinking of starting anew thread for that issue lol.

[winniethepooh]

there is one last thing that is really holding me back though, I dream about him EVERY night. He has been in my dreams every G** D*** night since we broke up, im starting to fear sleep.

Yeah, the dreams can be unnerving. I get them too sometimes. I try to go to bed really tired - going for a run or something in the evening helps. And avoid alcohol, that usually makes it worse - even just one beer.