crazylove Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I have had 3 seriously relationships and am currently in my 3rd and I feel like in every relationship after the honeymoon stage ends and the relationship is comfortable and settles down I tend to over analyze everything and make myself overly anxious in my head about where the relationship is heading, is this guy the right one for me etc etc. And then instead in focusing on all the good qualities in my boyfriend I tend to nit pick in my head all the bad things they do and if I can deal with it long term or forever. I hate that I really freak myself out instead of enjoying my relationships. I don't want to ruin the current one I am in but I get so fearful about the future I'm scared I'm going to sabotage a good thing I have going. I really love the guy I'm with and he is great but I think the fact that I'm 26, that I was engaged before and it didn't work out I worry about my future a lot more than I should. I worry about ending up with the wrong guy because of what I've been through. Anyone else get nervous or anxious in LTR's and over analyze like I do? If so, have you figured out a way to stop it from happening? Mine come and go in phases. I could be fine for weeks at a time and then all of a sudden I start over thinking again. HELP!!! Link to comment
toby17 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Crazylove, this sounds like classic commitment phobia - a textbook example. Suggest you read He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears Sabotaging your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Link to comment
crazylove Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Crazylove, this sounds like classic commitment phobia - a textbook example. Suggest you read He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears Sabotaging your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. I checked out this book and it got some pretty bad review so I'm not sure I want to buy this but thank you for the recommendation. Do you have any advice otherwise? The one thing that has been working so far is trusting in God's plan (I'm catholic) and trusting everything happens for a reason and that if I'm meant to be with this guy then I will and if I'm not than God will make the changes necessary. That seems to ground me and put things into perspective. Link to comment
tnmom66 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Crazylove, this sounds like classic commitment phobia - a textbook example. Suggest you read He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears Sabotaging your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Yes, this is an intimacy/commitment issue. I have it. too. The book is probably available from the library. I didn't have issues like this till my divorce 10 years ago. I guess it is the pain of rejection, maybe? Fear of loving more than I'm loved? I don't know. Try the book. Also "If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single" by Susan Page has info on this issue. Link to comment
crazylove Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 Is it really a commitment issue? It probably comes from the fact that my engagement didn't work out as well and I'm scared of failing. I prefer committed relationships over casual things though which is why this is confusing. I don't know but I definitely don't want it effecting my current relationship. I'll look into that book at well tnmom66. Link to comment
meoww Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I think you might have abandonment issues? Sometimes fixing one deep problem in your life will suddenly lift the burden from your other problems, even if they are not directly related. I suggest some serious self exploration to figure out what that is for you. Then, you might find your life falling into place eventually : ) Link to comment
crazylove Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 Yes, this is an intimacy/commitment issue. I have it. too. The book is probably available from the library. Try the book. Also "If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single" by Susan Page has info on this issue. How do you deal with yours tnmom66 when dating??? Do you feel the same way as I do? Overthinking, focusing on the negatives, scared to see your future with some?? I'm sick of feeling this way. Link to comment
crazylove Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 I think you might have abandonment issues? Sometimes fixing one deep problem in your life will suddenly lift the burden from your other problems, even if they are not directly related. I suggest some serious self exploration to figure out what that is for you. Then, you might find your life falling into place eventually : ) I don't think it's abandonment issues because I'm always the one leaving my significant others. It's frustrating cause I'm trying to figure out if it's my gut instincts trying to warn me or tell me something or if I'm just scared to ever get engaged/married cause of my last relationship. Wish this could be easier. Link to comment
tnmom66 Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 I am not dealing with mine very well. You might look into counseling. 1 Timothy1:7 comes to mind. I am not Catholic, but I do believe God is ultimately in control, but I don't think he micromanages our lives. His "will" isn't always done-- we have choices. At 26, you may start worrying more about being single and childless the rest of your life. Make a list in your good times of what is right. When your anxiety flares up, make a list of what is wrong. When things are good again, go over both lists. If you see reasons why the relationship shouldn't proceed, discuss your concerns. Just remember that nobody is perfect, and new issues may come up over time. Get pre-marital counseling before you are formally engaged. Link to comment
toby17 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Read the book. Check to see if your local library has a copy. One bad review huh? What's it's Amazon rating? Do you really want to understand the issue or do you want us to spoonfeed you answers? Everyone has abandonment issues. CPs usually leave first to avoid getting left. Link to comment
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