Some questions for women

[rockpalm12]

I'm trying to make some sense of all this, so here are some hypotheticals.

 

 

1. I'm sure you have pictures of yourselves or you and your friends on your phones, and may even post them onto facebook using your phone. Would you ever randomly text any pictures of yourself to a friend? To a guy friend? To an ex-boyfriend you remain friends with but nothing more? To a boyfriend you are on a break with but still love?

 

2. If you move out of town to somewhere that you don't know anyone, how often would you call your friends from back home? Guy friends? An ex that you remain only friends with? A boyfriend you are on a break with but still love?

 

3. You move out of town and are on a break with your boyfriend because he was unable to move when you did, and things got rocky in the relationship. He still loves you and plans on moving when he can to be with you. You stay in contact and tell each other "I miss you, I love you, wish you were here". One day he shows up at your door out of the blue to visit you. If you still love him are you excited to see him or upset that it was an unannounced visit? If you don't love him anymore and just want to be friends how do you react? If you love him but need time and space apart and he shows up like this after 6 months apart does that push you away?

 

4. If you have been avoiding telling him it is over because you don't want to hurt his feelings, but finally tell him the truth, do you continue to tell him you miss and love him afterwards? Call him late at night because you can't sleep?

 

5. If you have broken up with your boyfriend but want to remain friends and have been the one to continue contact, and a few weeks later he sends you a letter thanking you for all the great times you had together, the good memories, and for how happy you made him and special and important you made him feel, how do you react? Happy, sad, guilty? Does that prompt you to sever all ties with him?

 

Thanks for your time and input!

[XxJustMexX]

1. I'm sure you have pictures of yourselves or you and your friends on your phones, and may even post them onto facebook using your phone. Would you ever randomly text any pictures of yourself to a friend? To a guy friend? To an ex-boyfriend you remain friends with but nothing more? To a boyfriend you are on a break with but still love?

 

I don't see a reason why anyone would send pics of themselves to their exes unless the ex truly is just a friend. I myself have an "ex" that I don't really even acknowledge we've dated because we'd been friends for over 15 years before dating and only dated for 6 months. So ya, we decided to stay friends and not ruin our friendship. Now, it's rare for people to stay friends with their exes so my situation is a lot different than most and I don't find it really normal for people to send random pics of themselves to exes... I'd guess there's some sort of feelings involved or they're looking for an ego boost. Either way, not cool.

 

 

2. If you move out of town to somewhere that you don't know anyone, how often would you call your friends from back home? Guy friends? An ex that you remain only friends with? A boyfriend you are on a break with but still love?

 

Personally, I'm the type that does what I want when I want it without putting any sort of society's rules in play. If I wanted to call someone, I'd call them, if not then they won't hear from me. So with me it's pretty cut and dry, if I wanna talk to you, you'll hear from me, if not then that means I'm not thinking of you. If I left loved ones behind, the most important ones will hear from me pretty much daily at least saying hi in a text or a phone call. I know everyone gets busy, but for me, I make time to contact loved ones if I'm thinking about them, especially a significant other. I wouldn't be able to just ignore someone I cared about no matter how busy I am.

 

 

3. You move out of town and are on a break with your boyfriend because he was unable to move when you did, and things got rocky in the relationship. He still loves you and plans on moving when he can to be with you. You stay in contact and tell each other "I miss you, I love you, wish you were here". One day he shows up at your door out of the blue to visit you. If you still love him are you excited to see him or upset that it was an unannounced visit? If you don't love him anymore and just want to be friends how do you react? If you love him but need time and space apart and he shows up like this after 6 months apart does that push you away?

 

Even though I'd hate to speak for everybody, I'd say the answer to this is pretty clear. If someone reacts badly to a surprise visit, I can almost guarantee 100% that they're hiding something. There is NO way I'd be mad if someone I cared about came for a surprise visit. I don't believe there's ANY reason out there that calls for a negative response in that situation unless they're hiding something. I don't care if the person was busy, was just about to leave, had plans, was tired... or what. If it's a loved one I'm sure anyone would be happy and accomodating, not mad or angry...

 

4. If you have been avoiding telling him it is over because you don't want to hurt his feelings, but finally tell him the truth, do you continue to tell him you miss and love him afterwards? Call him late at night because you can't sleep?

 

I'd only do that if I was feeling insecure and lonely. If I mustered up enough courage to finally tell the guy the truth, then that means I'm already done with the relationship and was just holding onto hope. Finally ending the relationship would mean that I'm already past that line needed to break it off. So by that time, I probably wouldn't mean anything I say. People tend to look back on memories, have second thoughts, start getting lonely, etc... after breaking up and these "bread crumbs" just mess both parties up so it's best to just let go and move on.

 

 

5. If you have broken up with your boyfriend but want to remain friends and have been the one to continue contact, and a few weeks later he sends you a letter thanking you for all the great times you had together, the good memories, and for how happy you made him and special and important you made him feel, how do you react? Happy, sad, guilty? Does that prompt you to sever all ties with him?

 

I wouldn't react badly at all. But then again I like to end my relationships peacefully and on good terms so I tend to not try to act irrational and * * * * * y. I'm personally still friends with my exes who were long term. I'm not really friends with them per se, we don't hang out or anything but if either of us wanted to say hello, there's ways of us contacting each other. Anyway if he thanked me for all the good times, I would say thank you either way, whether I still loved him or not. I wouldn't be mean or anything. I wouldn't feel guilty unless I did something wrong either. As far as being happy, sure I'd be happy but I'd probably be a little avoidant because it would look like he's trying to get back with me and if I didn't want the same I'd be stepping back a little after the letter...

 

 

 

END NOTE: It seems to me your ex left you, moved away, broke up with you and now you're wondering what happened? I'm sorry you're going through this. This exact thing happened to me two years ago. My ex left the state, was supposed to be a year but a month into it, I got the "I'm not sure what I want in life" speech. I simply just let him go and accepted that if it were meant to be, it would be.

 

Your ex's reactions to things don't sound like someone who wants to be with you. I'm sorry. I'm assuming her reactions were negative or else you wouldn't be here asking these questions.

 

Think of it this way. Times of separation are tests of peoples' love for each other. It can go two ways. Either it makes the heart grow fonder, or it makes someone wander. Unfortunately, it seems like she's wandering and there's really nothing you can do but wait, if that's what you're willing to do. Either way, it is obvious which way the person went. If you have to question it, I'd say it's the bad of the two...

[abitbroken]

Even though I'd hate to speak for everybody, I'd say the answer to this is pretty clear. If someone reacts badly to a surprise visit, I can almost guarantee 100% that they're hiding something. There is NO way I'd be mad if someone I cared about came for a surprise visit. I don't believe there's ANY reason out there that calls for a negative response in that situation unless they're hiding something. I don't care if the person was busy, was just about to leave, had plans, was tired... or what. If it's a loved one I'm sure anyone would be happy and accomodating, not mad or angry...

 

I disagree. Okay, maybe if its your grandma or sister that you hadn't seen in a year. But if its a former romantic interest....than I totally disagree. You can try to say you are still trying to move to be with her, but let's face it, she broke up with you. She didn't stay in an LDR thinking that you would follow as soon as the job situation or whatever meshed. If you stayed together, you would be visiting eachother often, making plans, not getting scraps of "miss yous." Maybe you will be together in the future, maybe not - I don't know. But either way, you are not her current boyfriend and can't act like its a "given".

 

I have had this happen to a close friend and a family member. In one of the cases, a girl he broke up with showed up on his doorstep. THe freaky thing is he never gave her his address. She knew the name of his roommate, but it was a really, really common name and he wasn't listed in the phone book, and never met her before/wasn't in contact. It came off as kind of stalkerish and he was really surprised. That was three hours away, but a friend had a guy come 3 states away and just showed up.

 

I think that if you are trying to get her back at some point, or even if not, you need to respect her space, not try to get her in a "gotcha". You need to call and set up a time to visit her, even if its just for dinner or coffee and you don't stay with her. This way, you can't say that she is not participating if she tells you she has to go to work (she needs to keep her job) and you also know her true intentions rather than just rushing her. Also, showing up is not a "grand gesture" unless you have a solution. "i am moving here. I found a job!" But then again, I would still take things slow because she could very well decide that she is not as gung ho as she used to be.

[rockpalm12]

Thanks.

 

When she left she told me she loved me and we just needed some time apart. After she left she called me every week and told me she loves me, I only called her about once a month to give her space. She would randomly text me pictures of herself. She started calling me telling me that she wishes I was there, and I have to come visit her. I showed up to surprise her, he reaction was mixed. She wasn't as excited as I thought she would be, but wasn't mad either. We had sex while I was there, now I know that might not mean she still loves me, but thats pretty far to go for leading me on.

 

At times before I went to see her I felt like I was getting mixed messages and asked her to tell me honestly what she wanted, and she would say that she loves me but we just need time apart right now. After telling me she thought we weren't right for each other and wanted to be just friends I sent the thank you email, she never responded.

 

Thanks again.

[rockpalm12]

The reason I asked each question for different situations is because she knew I still loved her and wanted to be together, she told me she felt the same.

 

After she told me she just wants to be friends, I asked her why she was doing things like texting me pictures of herself or calling me so often. She said that she does that with all of her friends, which I find hard to believe with the texting pictures, and I know her and how often and not she keeps in touch with friends out of town, not every week. One of the times we talked she mentioned one of her other friends (one of her best friends) from back home and how she had just spoken to her for the first time in a few months.

 

She said that I pushed her away by showing up to visit her, even though she had been saying she wishes I was there really wants me to visit sometime. She said I did not get her need for time apart, yet I backed off and tried to give her her space (except of course by visiting her I know, but it was after 6 months and her saying she wanted me to visit sometime) while she called me every week.

[XxJustMexX]

I disagree. Okay, maybe if its your grandma or sister that you hadn't seen in a year. But if its a former romantic interest....than I totally disagree. You can try to say you are still trying to move to be with her, but let's face it, she broke up with you. She didn't stay in an LDR thinking that you would follow as soon as the job situation or whatever meshed. If you stayed together, you would be visiting eachother often, making plans, not getting scraps of "miss yous." Maybe you will be together in the future, maybe not - I don't know. But either way, you are not her current boyfriend and can't act like its a "given".

 

My point proven. Which is that she's throwing breadcrumbs by giving him hope without she herself putting in any effort. Yes, she needs space, but to be honest with you, IMO real love doesn't have rules. All this "space" crap you hear going around about needing space... to me is a cowardly way of dealing with relationship problems. Most of the time it's an excuse for the person to put the relationship on hold for their own benefit. Do you see any married couples saying "I need space, let's live apart for a few months...". Nope. Doesn't happen in a real committed relationship.

 

My point was that if she truly cared about him, then she shouldn't have a reason to be mad about his visit. Why would a person who cares about someone be mad that they visited them? Doesn't make sense to me. UNLESS the person visiting did so just to be an ass. If he truly came there to surprise her because he missed her, then it should have been received well. She's the one that said she still loved him, that's a green light for him to try to prove his love. And by her negative response, she's disproven her "I love you" breadcrumbs. Why on earth would someone get mad over a visit if she cared about him? That was my point. She obviously doesn't if she reacted badly. Spare or no space, if you cared about someone I see no reason for anyone to get mad over a visit that had good intentions. Seems selfish to me.

 

FYI, obviously, I'm not a huge believer in all this space crap. IMO once the L word is thrown out there, you love them period, and a piece of paper (marriage) doesn't make a difference. Loving a boyfriend and loving a husband should be no different so if people love each other, there should be none of this "I need space" crap. Married couples don't do it, so why do unmarried couples? Love is love. If she says she loves him but wants space, I'm not buying it.

 

Anyway all I'm trying to say is she's being selfish. I don't see her caring as much for you as you do for her... period. It makes me sad reading stories like this when people are chasing breadcrumbs being left by their ex and them taking the bait... If someone truly loved someone, there would be no need for space. That's all I'm trying to say.