What does he want me to do? And what should I do?

[Daniel Lee]

Long story, I fell in love with my best friend since elementary school. We're after our college years now, and for the past 7 months he's been dropping me hints and I've been dropping him hints. I went out of my way to get him loads of gifts, especially for his birthday around four hundred something getting him a game card, I-pod classic, his favorite sweat shirt. He told me he really appreciate it and I'm on his number one list and, very thankful. I physically flirted with him and he did it once or twice back. Lots of locking eye contact, and its not those might be ones because they last for more than 5 seconds. One time It felt so awkward staring at me I had to say something to him to make him stop looking at me. He asked me before, just us two in the car, "So do you have a significant other yet?" Either I'm crazy or he wants to know if I'm available? And another time we had a planned movie on Saturday with four other friends. He couldn't make it so we canceled it. Instead, he private message we, you want to go to the movies on Friday with me if you don't have work? So finally I decided to cut it clean and tell him I like him on my birthday. My friend told him we had a little get together on a Saturday night, he promised to show up.

 

That day, I hanged out with my other two best friends until the night time came, where I would see him and tell him face to face. We waited, and waited, and waited for 3-4hours. Called, text, aimed, no respond. We finally got tired and we went out to dinner and just when my friend was about to drive me home, he text me saying he was a bit sick and had a small headache, hope I still had fun. I was very disappointed that he broke his promise and I didn't get my chance to tell him, and he didn't as much as acknowledge the fact that he so claimed "I'm number one on his list" to get me a birthday card. When my friend drop me off home, I gave her a letter I kept in my journal about my feelings for him. She lives near him so she gave him the letter that night.

 

The next day, a Sunday he wrote me along Facebook message saying why there is a lot of reason why its no, and that he played for the other field. He went on and on telling how great a person I am, and told me to forget about him, don't want to pain me. I was very hurt about yesterday, and I was hurt more when he said there is a lot of reason why its no. I mean a no is a no, I get it. So I went into depression mode. At work, with my other friends, and at home. I complete stopped talking to him.

 

5 days later, he tagged me in a note on Facebook, saying answer these question and post me as your friend when you complete it. Its one of those random question about me things. I ignored that. The next say, he sent me a long message again saying, how he knows one week won't be enough to make us friends again, and how he miss talking to me like a school girl, and how he would want to talk to me soon. He wish we find love and support as friends again and hope I will have a good weekend, p.s my dear friend. I ignored that because I'm still upset about my birthday and the rejection.

 

I decided to lessen my sadness and not spend anymore negative energy on something I don't need to, I delete him off all my game list and Facebook. Of course during this time, I talk to my friends about what happen and how he made my birthday a nightmare, saying how he cared so much about me. Even as a friend he could of done something more, and should more respect. Let alone he consider me one of his close close best friends "so called number one on his list." I know he was sick, I already forgave him for that part, because I told him the next day before he rejected me. I planned for the worst so I'm avoiding things that reminds me of him. I guess he found out I delete him off Facebook, and everything else, since my usual friend would see me on and not him. Just 2 days again He tried to call me 3 times in a row, I couldn't answer him because I didn't want to bring up those bad memories again. But he kept calling, I told my friend to tell him to stop because I couldn't answer him and he is pushing it way to hard on me.

My other best friend told me today, he really want to clear things up with me and he really really miss me. 8/11 of my close friend thinks he a jerk for doing all of this, and he wants you back because he realizes how much attention you give him, not only those gifts, but he is feeling ashamed. So I told her, you know what he did that night and what happened so far, I have a reason to be acting like this. So right now I don't know what to do. What does he really want? And What should I do?

[ceez]

I think he really did value your friendship and he does sound upset about it. you could call him or have a face-to-face and let him know that you need a little time off from the friendship, maybe a few months to see if you can knock the feelings you have for him. after that if you two can be friends again I wouldn't spend too much money on gifts for him again and let him know that. during the break you could focus on finding a nice openly gay guy to spend your time on. and good lord man you live in san francisco it shouldn't be too hard.

[abitbroken]

You know...if someone told me that they "like me" and then delivered a private journal entry to me, I would be overwhelmed. If someone "liked me" I could take time to decide if I liked them back or not. He may have felt that showing up at the get together was an "answer" - meaning he felt the same. I think that by giving him the journal entry so soon, he didn't have enough time to really consider things. The answer might still have been no, but he would not feel under the gun. You cant "make him" feel the same.

 

I think that if you poured your heart out, he said no, but now he is trying to get ahold of you so soon after, I might consider allowing the two of you to get together over coffee. He has never gotten to really respond in person. Let him. The "bad memories" are you feeling bad that he didn't reciprocate, the "bad memories" are not from the actual friendship - remember that. I think your friends are telling you "he just enjoyed the attention" to make you feel better. If they can portray him as a user you feel better about not talking to him ever again. But if he is a nice guy who cares for you, but was taken off guard or never considered you in that way, it portrays him as the same guy you always knew with him not acting in the manner you want him too. If he was your best friend since elementary school - he was not in it for the expensive gifts, but the gifts could have made him uncomfortable, like you were trying to "buy him".

 

I agree with ceez about the time off, but not before i met him one last time so you can both clear the air.

[lukeb]

There are definitely some lessons here, the expensive gifts were a mistake, that probably wasn't something you guys normally did. You took it upon yourself to change the rules in the friendship and never really gave him the opportunity to respond. It is not clear if he's gay or not or has feelings for you but doesn't want to act on them, what is clear is that he doesn't want to go there with you, and he should have been given the opportunity to tell you without putting a lot of pressure on him. I'm with the others to let things settle down, maybe there is enough of a friendship there to survive this bump in the road.

[Daniel Lee]

I agree with what you guys are trying to say to me. The things is, I guess I'm the type if I like someone I will go out of my way to get them something and make them happy. I know I went far too over my head on this gift thing. But we've both been hang out and dropping hints on him for over 7 months. And I'm openly gay, and he knows that I've been open since I was in High school. Since we went to the same elementary, middle, and high school. I know for the fact that some of the things he did can be a bit ambiguous to consider, but those very long eye contact and going out of his way to be with me, and that question he asked I thought in my head he might been interested, What made me went a head and asked him after the 7 month, I just told myself I can't go on hanging like this to myself. I literally physically pushed his hair back a couple time and said he looked good that way. And he just smiled backed, no flinching or anything. And the other time he rubbed my forearm saying this is how his dad use oil to lessen the pain for headache.

 

So I took those signs as a sort of interest, since he never had a girlfriend or a date for as long as I know, but I don't know anything. I just asked my friends who went to college with him has he been dating, is he available? And when I asked him does he want a girlfriend he always dodge the question and said he don't want one and need one or changed the subject on me. So yea basically that what lead me up to doing this. I know I can't make someone like me, that's for a fact and that won't go anywhere. I just thought he felt a bit the same way after those 7 months we been flirting and hang out with each other knowingly I openly gay. But in the end I learned what I did wrong, just that I can't really say or answer him, while he is constantly trying to get a hold of me right now.

 

And my friend yesterday told me he want me to listen to this song by Tyler Ward "The Hardest Thing"

[abitbroken]

I think you really should have found out if he was gay first. if he is not openly gay, knowing him that long would have probably meant that he would have told you. Some young men just say "who needs women" because they are late bloomers, have trouble dating because they feel awkward, etc. I didn't have a boyfriend until after college and I am not lesbian. I for some reason misread this thread and didn't look that you were a guy when I first responded so I am sorry for that - but it adds a whole new dimension to when someone tells you they are not interested - it could be that they are just simply not gay and its a different kind of rejection - or not really a harsh rejection, but "hey, you are barking up the wrong tree. But i still like you as a friend"

[Daniel Lee]

I abitbroken, I understand what he meant and what your trying to say. I fully understand, like I said I can't make anyone like me if they are simple not interested. I'm just dealing with the situation where I wanted sometime off and he is constantly trying to get back at me, even when he's been told I need time to get it off. Lately about a week ago, he was posting up music videos and video about break up on his wall post, which got me really weird out. So to prevent me from dealing with seeing his icon and online status, I just decide to delete him for the time being.