Im at a stand still and dont know what to do

[sweetgirl030]

I was married to my exhusband for 9 years then we divorced because I wanted it. Now its 4 years later and we have talked about getting back together and we are I guess you can say boyfriend and girlfriend technically . But its not going anywhere . I have tried to talk to him and he doesnt want to talk he changes the subject or just gives this blank stare. There has been a lot that has happened between us when we was married and even after we were married and now there is that baggage. I am trying to forgive and I have lots of regrets but Im trying to better. But he just says take me as I am , or sorry I have been single too long or Im stubbern, or the human race is selfish, and I love this one he says I am a simple man.

 

I dont understand that one bit. He's a simple man yes, but sooo simple that he cant think to do better for himself and for his family? I dont get it. I do get that he doesnt want to talk about somethings or do anything different with himself but in order for us to be a family again including our son, something has to change, Right? Yes do I want him to change sure I do but do I also know and realize I cant change him, yes believe me I know that, but I would think he would want to do better for his kid for his family what would be best for them. I also understand that we are both scared and are both in a comfortable place, we both do our own thing, live in our own places, and hang out when it is convienient, but still help each other out. I just feel stuck and I dont know what to do, any ideas, opinions or suggestions???

[DN]

Maybe he is worried that if he marries you again you will want a divorce again and he will be worse off than he is now.

[sweetgirl030]

i dont know but i do understand that. I am scared too. if you need more details to help let me know. i often wonder why he is doing this because something has to change or we cant be together and he knows that.

It just cant be like it was before, I often wonder why I am even considering this when he only acts when it benefits him.

[blueidealist24]

Maybe he is worried that if he marries you again you will want a divorce again and he will be worse off than he is now.

 

Yeah, I think that could be it. He's hesitant to give you an inch since he's afraid of losing you all over again.

[Galaxo]

Your friend tells you

 

1. She does not love the man she is with.

2. Her man needs to change for it to work.

3. Her man is not willing to change.

4. There are issues from the past she has not got over.

 

What do you tell your friend?

[winniethepooh]

You can read any number of posts here from people who are hurting after their partner left them. Divorce is a big deal. Usually when people get married, they don't intend to get divorced a few years later. You left him so he feels let down.

 

Did you give him any choice in the matter when you left him?

 

Have the reasons for you leaving him the first time gone away? And how have you both changed as individuals so that whatever resulted in the divorce the first time won't happen again?

 

How are you showing him with actions that if you get back together, that you can be trusted not to walk away again?

 

His reluctance to communicate is a big problem I think, but I also think you need to address the above questions first.

 

Then again, maybe the current situation is one to continue if you can both find a way to be content with that. In which case, how will he feel if you meet someone else, how will you feel if he does?

[EgoJoe]

I think DN is absolutely right and I want to expound a bit and say that perhaps you would do well to try and be a little more giving for awhile to see if that softens him up for conversation. Home cooked food, tickets to a sports game or something along those lines.

 

Listen to what he's saying when he's not saying anything. People don't talk (or they lie) because they don't feel safe to open up (or tell the truth).

 

I think you would benefit great if you try this first before you do anything drastic.

[winniethepooh]

Listen to what he's saying when he's not saying anything. People don't talk (or they lie) because they don't feel safe to open up (or tell the truth).

Yes, very true!