Pressures to decide on if he is the ONE or not.

[CookieMonster8]

Been dating my boyfriend almost a year. He is 24 and I'm 26. We have a great time together and have gotten closer in recent months. Our relationship started slow and has remained pretty steady but we have taken our time in different areas. When we first started talking over a year ago we both talked about what we wanted in another person and everything we wanted seemed to match up with one another in several areas. All in all I'm happy in this relationship and enjoy our time together.

 

The thing is I've been engaged before. I got engaged at 24 and ended things 3 months later due to my ex's drinking and anger issues. Best decision I've ever made but ever since then I'm super scared to talk about marriage or getting engaged.

 

I've been seeing a therapist since I was engaged to get me through everything and tonight she had said something that annoyed me. I told her I'm sick and tired of the pressures of being in my later 20's and instead of enjoying my relationship and having a good time there are all these pressures of deciding if he is the one or talking about marriage and making sure we are on the same page and want all the same things etc etc. And she made the comment "Well yes, you aren't really getting younger so you kinda have to be aware of that."

 

I understand this of course but it annoys me. She said I should bring up in the next several months what my boyfriends intentions are so I know if this is going anywhere or not and it kind of freaks me out. I don't really feel ready to talk about the future yet and feel like I'm still figuring my relationship out.

 

Maybe I'm just putting the pressure on myself. Either way why do I feel like I have to decide now? Will there ever come a time where the idea of being engaged again doesn't scare me?

[Dubb]

I think you're right and talk about an engagement in just premature. Wait another year and see how you feel at that point. Not to sound harsh but a lot of relationships fail at around the 2 year point so you're not wrong at all for feeling the way you do.

[Miss Kitty]

I have been there too. I think your therapist is wrong. You aren't old. You have plenty of time. More importantly, getting engaged or even into a serious relationship before you're ready is only going to hurt all those involved. Explain to your current boyfriend that you really like him and that you are feeling pressure from some people to pursue a deeper relationship but you just aren't ready yet. Tell him that it's nothing to do with him, but that you are still hurting and trying to work through your fears. If he really cares about you, he will accept that and be patient. My boyfriend took it very well when I said that I need to go slow because of being hurt. My ex-fiance raped me. Getting over that hurt was extremely difficult and painful. When I met my current fiance, I wanted nothing to do with marriage. I told him that too, but he loved me so much that he waited until I was ready. I think it was his love and patience that helped me to heal. Since I found him, my healing has progressed much faster. He has shown me that not all men are like my ex. Maybe your current bf isn't the right one for you if you're still feeling scared of marriage? But I don't think that rushing to decide if he's right or not will help anything. Just let the relationship progress at a comfortable speed. If he can't handle that, then he was never the right one anyway.

[notimeman]

This isn't the 50s, you can do whatever the hell you want nowadays. If you want to marry at 45 more power to you. Its just, biologically, a woman has to come to terms with a very scary reality: children. The older the woman gets, the greater the risks become for pregnancy, but guess what! You're still far too young to have to worry about that! Congratulations!

 

I think, in all honesty, that you need to be aware that if you want to be a successful mother at any point in the future, this thought about settling down must always be stewing in your head. Does it matter when you decide to marry, or have children, or buy house? Of course not, up until a certain point, but it is important that you consider it as you go about your day. I'm a man, so I will never truly know what you feel, so I suppose my point is moot, but the point is, regardless, that you don't need to pressure yourself into anything so long as you always consider the possibility and understand the ramifications of waiting too long.

 

However, I think the most important thing is what you guys as a RELATIONSHIP feel. What if he wants to get married? What if he wants children? This is something that you two should always consider if you want a serious relationship. If you don't and he does then there is a serious conflict of interest. I think that's what the therapist meant. You need to be aware that you have to make a decision EVENTUALLY, but most importantly, you need to always convey that decision with your partner.

 

I would say, as someone with very little experience, that I would live with the person for a while before committing to anything (hell, I've always thought having a puppy together is always a start as well as babysitting a child). THAT's how you know if they're the one. Not because of all the good things, but because you're still together through the bad.

[Fudgie]

I disagree with your therapist. You're still quite young and you guys have only been together for a year. What's the rush? It's not like your eggs are going to magically die out when you're 30.

 

I think the pressures exist because most women want to have children and thus have to settle down at a certain point to have those said kids. Getting pregnant in their 30s may not be desirable. That's what my parents did (mid to late 30s is when they had kids) and there are definitely pros/cons. Most people I know have kids in their 20s.

 

The question is, do you want kids? If not, enjoy everything no-pressure, you have all the time in the world! If so, then when? late 20s? 30s?

 

I still say give it a couple more years and enjoy yourself. Far too many people rush into marriage for the sake of being married and it doesn't always work out, or they may regret that they hadn't gotten married so soon and just worked on having a fun relationship together.

[winniethepooh]

The thing is I've been engaged before. I got engaged at 24 and ended things 3 months later due to my ex's drinking and anger issues. Best decision I've ever made but ever since then I'm super scared to talk about marriage or getting engaged.

Deal with this first. Does your current boyfriend have drinking or anger issues? If yes, then it sounds like you're repeating history. If not, then it's not fair to him to let your past affect your current relationship.

 

Sounds to me like you should dump your therapist. S/he talks like a well-meaning but misguided aunt.

 

Something I don't get though. You don't want to talk about marriage. But you don't say that your BF does either. So why is there an issue at present?

 

Will there ever come a time where the idea of being engaged again doesn't scare me?

Yes, especially because you said this ...

 

Best decision I've ever made

[abitbroken]

I don't think your therapist was offensive. I take it as, you are at a grownup age. You are not 16 where who cares what the other person wants in marriage, etc. At this point, you don't have to wait years to ask those questions or date someone indefinitely * * * * * footing around what they want in life. I think one year is too soon to talk engagement, but not too soon to find out if the other person sees themselves having kids in the future, going back to grad school, or what they ultimately want in the future if they know. Just in general. My bf and I talked about all that up front, but then, we are a bit older than you also and only wanted to date people who were wanting similar in the future.

[abitbroken]

Oh gee, I got bleeped out. I didn't swear...I said P*ssyfooting around....

[CookieMonster8]

Oh gee, I got bleeped out. I didn't swear...I said P*ssyfooting around....

 

 

Hahah!!! I didn't know they did that on here. Pretty funny.

 

We are still figuring out the things we agree on and disagree on. We are both on the same page as far as family, values, # of kids we want, religion, living together before marriage or not, & where we wanna have a family. So I'm glad we cover those things. I think I need to let go of putting so much pressure on myself and stop being so hard on myself on deciding. At the end of the day I'm happy and having a good time. Isn't that what life is about anyway?

 

Hopefully in this next year I can really figure out where this relationship is going and if he is the right guy for me. I just get scared from time to time about deciding whether this guy could be it or not. Is that normal?

 

I feel like it comes so easy to everyone else. They meet a guy, fall in love and that's it. With me, I overanalyze everything like crazy and I'm so sick of it.