IT ALL HAS COME TO ME..attraction is the KEY..a dumpee must read...

[flyerfan6656]

i have been on this forum for about a month now. i have seen everything everyone has said about NC... NIC...LC, but after the thread i read last nite, it all came to me.... when i first dated my ex..i was as confidant as i could ever be..NOTHING she did never phased me, but its when i finally lost her, thats when my mood turned around soo much..i did things that i never did before..she had all the power, but now i kno that if anyone wants to get there ex back, or at least have a good chance at getting there ex back, then regaining that confidence is the KEY..when u guys talk on the phone, you be the one to hang up first, when you guy go on a date, you be the on to say you gotta go..dont be the "Yes Man" say no a couple of times..be that confident person that girls adore... at the end of the day..nonchalant is the way to go, and if you and your ex never ever work out, then go on to the next one, cuz at the end of the day... we all WANT our ex in our lives, we dont NEED them in our lives.... think about this..good luck to everyone trying to get there ex back..

[Milsch]

Well, yeah - absolutely. Assuming that the reason for the break-up was loss of attraction (which seems to be true of 80%+ of cases). If there was something other than that - lack of communication, lack of empathy, trust issues, etc - then simply turning up as the same old confident, attractive person you were before... well, that might not cut it.

[DylanNotorious]

That makes no sense, because according to you - you did act over-confidant, and so your girlfriend had enough.

[MarnDark]

The "key" is that they want to come back.

[flyerfan6656]

no... my ex and i broke up because of our fights, she loved me, but she had enough, so she just needed space, after the break up, when we would hang out, i wouldnt act like myself, and thats not attractive..when she would leave my house..id say..well before u leave i gotta say this, or i gotta say that...if someone knows they can have you, they will work less at it

[Eocsor]

Forget all that noise. Just be yourself, heal and work on moving on. There are no answers to "how do i get my ex back". If there was, someone would be a bazzillionaire.

 

It's all luck and feel AND your ex still has to have real feelings for you. Sometimes too much damage has been done to ever give it another go.

[flyerfan6656]

Forget all that noise. Just be yourself, heal and work on moving on. There are no answers to "how do i get my ex back". If there was, someone would be a bazzillionaire.

 

It's all luck and feel AND your ex still has to have real feelings for you. Sometimes too much damage has been done to ever give it another go.

your right, there isnt a set way to get your ex back, but there are things that can be done to increase the chances.

[EgoJoe]

Actually, I think that healing is the key. We talk about attraction and the traits contained within mostly because once you start to embody certain things you'll find your entire mindset changing. Healing is the key because it makes this possible. The rest is self-esteem building as opposed to ego building.

[flyerfan6656]

Actually, I think that healing is the key. We talk about attraction and the traits contained within mostly because once you start to embody certain things you'll find your entire mindset changing. Healing is the key because it makes this possible. The rest is self-esteem building as opposed to ego building.

haha.. Ego joe..i finally see that now

[rosie smith]

Forget all that noise. Just be yourself, heal and work on moving on. There are no answers to "how do i get my ex back". If there was, someone would be a bazzillionaire.

 

It's all luck and feel AND your ex still has to have real feelings for you. Sometimes too much damage has been done to ever give it another go.

 

sometimes to much damage has been done but I am a big believer that damage can always get reparied no matter how big or small the damage is, the pair of you just have to have the strength to work through things and some people just don't... shame really

[emily2424]

i agree with you, if you are confident and show that you don't NEED them esp after you've been showing them that you DO, they start wondering what changed...and then they start missing the attention

[flyerfan6656]

i agree with you, if you are confident and show that you don't NEED them esp after you've been showing them that you DO, they start wondering what changed...and then they start missing the attention

thankkkkk youuuuu lol

[Eocsor]

sometimes to much damage has been done but I am a big believer that damage can always get reparied no matter how big or small the damage is, the pair of you just have to have the strength to work through things and some people just don't... shame really

 

I'd respectfully dissagree with this. Sometimes theres no going back. Attraction and feelings have been lost and can't be re-acquired. People move on with their lives and transfer their feelings and emotions to someone else as well. Just because love was once present doesn't mean it can be again.

[italiannmf24]

It's not necessarily about who has the "power", that only exists in the mind.

 

It's more of discovering yourself while in the mists of a hurtful, uncalled for break-up or divorce.

 

Becoming who we are is the hardest part of most lives, but it's the most influential part as well.

[Thorshammer]

Thats if they left ddue to loss of attraction, it wont matter if try to push when shes sick of you pushing away. That will just be destructive. Gathering attraction might set off their curiosity, but it doesnt mean they will act on it. You have to come accross as someone who is "there" in way that doesn't show that you are pulling, and that means you being a friend. This isnt an easy process, so thats who you need to heal and move on so you wont have your hopes up, and wont be going crazy with text interpretations.

 

And, its a matter of events that you dont have control of. My ex of 5 years chased me for many years, which i ignored time and time again, but I didnt hear from her when she was living with her new boyfriend, only when she had "doubts" with him- which i didnt care about either. Other ex's missed me after the relief period died down and they were missing me in full-force, and others who met idiots, or ended up with people that couldnt light a candle to me.

 

Also, there is certain flaws that arent based so much on behavior that will lose attraction, and these are difficult to display in limited contact without it looking forced and desperare. One being sex, if the sex sucked, then how can you display a change? The power of sex is far more serious then people believe, some people base healthy with good sex. Another is that let yourself go, hard to display unless you keep a social website account with pics that shes on.

[rosie smith]

I'd respectfully dissagree with this. Sometimes theres no going back. Attraction and feelings have been lost and can't be re-acquired. People move on with their lives and transfer their feelings and emotions to someone else as well. Just because love was once present doesn't mean it can be again.

 

were all different so I can understand what you are saying but as far as feelings and emotions being transfered on to someone else I am sure to an extent that is true, but in my experience you can't replace one love with another and sometimes there is no going back but a lot of the time if two people really wanna go back and things can be better second time why not give it a shot, what is the worst thing that is gonna happen you know but then I am one of those people that really do believe that if there is still some love there and feelings things can always change if you want it, clearly if there is no love there it is different but every situation is different you know and as far as people moving on with there lives well that is a whole different topic you know for some moving on is the right thing to do and for others they regret doing this at later date and this is just my thoughts on the matter and this is also coming from someone who have married there rebounds, spent years with them and all sorts of things take care.

[flyerfan6656]

well reading these posts, everyone is different, everyone has there one situations, but in my situation, and maybe many others, if an ex knows they they can have you, they will be less likely to make a decision about getting back together with you, vs if the dumpee was less available.

[EgoJoe]

They are not all as different as you would think.

[vel2011]

I agree with this idea around loss of attraction and not being too available... it's the reason for my BU and most of the situations I read about where the guy has been dumped...

 

When we got together I was confident, often pulling away to do my own thing, always planning stuff in my own life with friends etc...

 

By the end, for whatever reason, I was always saying yes when she wanted me to come over, often found myself spending whole weekends with her but not really doing anything fun, essentially being too soft and losing that masculine edge...

 

What is strange is that for most of us, when we feel them slipping away, we end up being even more available and 'yes men', which ultimately leads to them leaving.

 

Frustrates me though, because my ex settled for what the relationship had become too and then just gave up, but I guess it's our role as men to lead and show that maculine, confident, challenging edge.

[rosie smith]

well reading these posts, everyone is different, everyone has there one situations, but in my situation, and maybe many others, if an ex knows they they can have you, they will be less likely to make a decision about getting back together with you, vs if the dumpee was less available.

 

that is cause everyone wants they can't get

[browneyedgirl36]

If a break-up occurs because of loss of attraction, I could see this being true. However, many break-ups occur for other reasons, one of the most significant being incompatibility. Sometimes, people are just not compatible -- or at least one person feels he/she is not compatible with the other -- and that can't be fixed with "attraction." Or, a break-up may occur due to one person having "grass is greener" syndrome and wanting to live it up and explore other options. Sometimes, poor communication leads to break-ups, and sometimes, one person just doesn't see the other as "the one" (which was true in my case with my ex, I think, even though it is clear he's STILL attracted to me, several years later). Lots of different reasons, some of which have little or nothing to do with attraction.

[bdbmwer]

i agree with you, if you are confident and show that you don't NEED them esp after you've been showing them that you DO, they start wondering what changed...and then they start missing the attention

 

 

this is true in most cases but also usually thats all they miss is the attention, sure they may contact you or act interested again until they get that attention theyre craving then back to being fine.

[Thorshammer]

If a break-up occurs because of loss of attraction, I could see this being true. However, many break-ups occur for other reasons, one of the most significant being incompatibility. Sometimes, people are just not compatible -- or at least one person feels he/she is not compatible with the other -- and that can't be fixed with "attraction." Or, a break-up may occur due to one person having "grass is greener" syndrome and wanting to live it up and explore other options. Sometimes, poor communication leads to break-ups, and sometimes, one person just doesn't see the other as "the one" (which was true in my case with my ex, I think, even though it is clear he's STILL attracted to me, several years later). Lots of different reasons, some of which have little or nothing to do with attraction.

 

I actually see that as attraction. Compatibilities... has to do with attraction, compatible means shared interests, shared out-look on life, thats attraction-attachment. People do get attracted to someone they are compatible with, I seek out someone who is similar to me because that attracts me, i seek interests in conversations to attract them with discussion on them. To be compatible, in the hands of a pick-up artist, is the number one thing to aim for to attract someone. To not get so deep into it, I have an ex who is now my friend for years, and shes very compatible with me, and we talk for hours, and we just start to love each other all over again and want to jump each other- we have a good combination of attraction triggers going off. You know this is important for attraction because these are the things that lovers brag about, they brag about what draws them to their partner, "oh man, she had big breasts, she so nurturing and caring, and we have so much in common!"

 

And "grass is greener" means they wont to explore someone else or something else. Your attraction wasn't strong enough. Its not like they wake up and said, that zit on their face.... its nasty, i think i lost attraction. They weighed the option of your worth, and attraction- which is attachment and strength of worth to them, that will be used along with love (and love itself is maintained by attraction, ask why some people feel like their lovers have turned into friendship-love, it has to do with attraction) to decide if they leave or not. I have had grass is greener plenty of times, and its usually when i doubt my gf, and it usually has to do with attraction (her nagging behavior is turning me off to her, shes letting herself go physically and mentally, etc.). But when I want to see my ex in a good relationship, and i am happy to be around them, etc. then thats a pull shes doing on me that keeps me there.

 

The "one", "meant to be" and so on, is for people who are in love and attracted to their ex. People too easily attach attraction with physical, attraction is what the term says it is "In general, an attraction draws one object towards another one."

 

There ARE many cases where attraction has nothing to do with things, though I dont believe in them as much:

Some people have destructive behavior, they self-destroy the relationship and force the attraction to die. People with commitment issues or personal/mental issues doubt their love and attraction to their lover, some people are fools and take stock in other peoples opinion, all of that is a state of mind, and a mind can be changed. Some people just have their own issues that can block everything and just leave.

 

Some people leave for neglect. Some leave because of abuse, or something horrible done, etc. It wont matter if they are attracted to you that they want to be around you all the time...

 

Attraction goes far deeper than how you look. You can like someone because they are hot, and they the months fly by and you lose attraction based on behavior (shes annoys you, she fights with you, the passion sucks, etc.) I would have sex with all my ex's based on look, those who I dumped and dumped me. But i dont want them back, they have issues, flaws, and they left, all that means for me is that the desire to be with them for a long term is not appealing to me, hence they can not attract me due to their behavior for any long period of time.

[winniethepooh]

well reading these posts, everyone is different, everyone has there one situations, but in my situation, and maybe many others, if an ex knows they they can have you, they will be less likely to make a decision about getting back together with you, vs if the dumpee was less available.

Maybe ... if they want you. If they don't want you in the first place, making yourself unavailable just makes them happier .

[jeepman41]

If there wasn't any chance of getting back together I don't think we would have a whole section of this forum dedicated to "Getting Back Together".

 

That being said there are a number of things that can increase you chances of getting back with a former lover. As long as there wasn't physical or mental abuse I feel like as long as both of you want it, then yes it is a possibility.

 

But usually if you're broken up, you are not the person you were at the beginning of the relationship. Don't beg and wallow in self pity when someone breaks up with you. That is very unattractive. That's where NC allows you to heal and regain your self confidence. I think confidence is an attractive quality in either sex. In order to try to get back with your ex you have to get yourself back first.

 

Re-attraction is different than attraction. This person already knows you. You have a past together. In other word you are the type of person they wanted to have a relationship with. But the bottom line is you BOTH have to want another relationship and be open and receptive to the idea of it happening. But nothing is written in stone where there is human emotion and human psychology involved. Relationships are based on feelings and mutual attraction, not logic.