Getting back together with the girl i belong with

[TR3]

Hey Guys,

 

I was recommended to make a post on this website by a friend of mine, and he said you give great advice. So here it is, about 4 months back, my gf of almost 2 years, called me out of the blue, and broke up with me on the phone. She gave me numerous excuses and reasons and that was it. We went from being soulmates, traveling, growing up, maturing, being through anything, never fighting, and we were just perfect. We were the couple that everyone was jealous off and everyone wanted to be. She broke up with me, mailed me my stuff and then it was all over. I was obviously a mess, and even though I am healing, I still think about her every day. In the beginning she wouldn't return my calls or texts, then I just stopped. She texted me once, * * * * * ing me out for trying to talk and get info and advice out of her friends but that was it. However, I texted her few days ago and she responded. I asked her how her job is going and if everything is going well. She responded 2 days later, and said that yes it was going well and hope that I am doing good as well. Her text was worded in such a way that didnt ask a question and didnt invite for a continuation of a conversation.

 

I truly love this girl, and I think me and her are meant to be. I really would like to show her, that in the time we were apart, I really reflected on our relationship and i saw the things we both did wrong. I understand that they way we were, wasnt healthy and wasnt good for us in the long run. I want to show her this and hopefully give it another chance. I was hopeless, until she wrote me back. She didnt have to be nice and didnt have to feel guilty after the way it ended, but I was on her mind for 2 days and then she wrote back. I dont know.

 

Please help!

[pl3asehelp]

Take control of your life - I mean take the control back that you've given to her. She's not interested. She could have you, but she's choosing not to. Why do you want someone who doesn't want you? Move on - no contact.

[mrtango]

I think we're in the same boat: 2 years of perfect relationship and she broke up out of blue... And it was 4 months ago. And in my situation she cut all contact.

I feel for you... I think she answered you after 2 days because she thought the best way to do it without hurting you. I know it's hard to accept that but she tries to move on without hurting you. Maybe she cares for you but she's getting over you...

I think you should go to NC and try to move on. I know it's difficult. I know it very well.

Good luck man...

[lostinthecloud]

Maybe over time she will change her mind, it can happen. However, that is not meant to give you a false sense of hope. As for now, I would try to pick up the pieces and continue in your new life without her.

[TR3]

I dont know, its hard. Its just that everything we have been through and everything that she told me over the years, I know she loved me. I dont know what made her flip 180 over night and break up with me. I do think, however, she is the type of person that makes rash decisions, and is very spontaneous (thats what I loved about her). I want to tell her that I understand we both did things that were wrong and I think if we can restart and start fresh, we can fall in love with each other all over again and build onto the past 2 years. That said, I really think that this time it will work. She is the girl of my dreams and has every single quality I could ever ask for. If I can get her to meet me for coffee and I can show her that I understand the flaws that were in the relationship, and that I am willing to rectify it. We were in true love for two years, the NC lasted for 3.5 months. I understand its hard to "null" the break up, and pick up where we left off, but I want her to get to know me, the new me and re-fall inlove with me, I know we are meant to be. Am I crazy? Denial?

[Angler]

I dont know what made her flip 180 over night and break up with me.

 

It didn't happen overnight.

 

It might feel that way for you, but she's been thinking about it for a while, and just got the strength to do it.

[TR3]

the thing is, the things and the reasons she gave me werent reasons to end a "soulmate" relationship where we talked about marriage and kids. everything could have been rectified and changed to make us both happy. Relationships are all about compromise. If she didnt keep everything in, we could have talked about it. 12 hours before d-day, she was texting me the normal things, i love you, i cant live with out you, your my soulmate. we went on a trip a month before and my bday was 2 months before, and I just look back at these things, and everything was perfect. she truly loved me.

[Angler]

the thing is, the things and the reasons she gave me werent reasons to end a "soulmate" relationship

 

Maybe it wasn't a soulmate relationship? For what it's worth, I don't really believe in the concept of soulmates. We are capable of falling in love and having a deep connection with many partners.

 

12 hours before d-day, she was texting me the normal things

 

Ditto.

 

we went on a trip a month before

 

Ditto x 2

 

she truly loved me.

 

And, she likely still does. I know mine still loves me, but it's not enough for her right now to be together.

 

I know how painful all this is. We're here for you.

[TR3]

I know what your saying, angler. Its just she was telling me things and we were saying things that I always thought we were going to be together for ever. I never had a doubt in my mind, we treated each others families that our own. I just dont know how to text her or approach meeting her so we can re-fall in love again. or even if i should, or if i should give more time.

[Angler]

I know what your saying, angler. Its just she was telling me things and we were saying things that I always thought we were going to be together for ever. I never had a doubt in my mind, we treated each others families that our own. I just dont know how to text her or approach meeting her so we can re-fall in love again

 

In any committed, long term relationship, you SHOULD believe you'll be together forever - right? What's the use in being together with an expiry date?

 

My personal rule - if I don't know exactly how to respond, or what level of contact will be welcomed, I do nothing. I recommend you do the same.

[Eocsor]

I know what your saying, angler. Its just she was telling me things and we were saying things that I always thought we were going to be together for ever. I never had a doubt in my mind, we treated each others families that our own. I just dont know how to text her or approach meeting her so we can re-fall in love again. or even if i should, or if i should give more time.

 

She's not interested. While it may have been the perfect relationship for you it obviously wasn't for her.

 

She's polite but distant because she doesn't want to try again. Time to heal and move on.

[Milsch]

So what do you think was wrong with the relationship?

[TR3]

we were too dependent and we were too fast. we alienated a lot of our friends and I was trying to put my views on her. However, it wasnt all me, she did the same thing, she was also moving fast, she also alienated her friends and she was also influencing me with her views.

 

I disagree that she isnt interested, she doesnt have to be polite after 4 months of NC and ignoring me in the bggining. It was perfect for her because she was saying and acting like she truly loves me. I think she just got fed up with issues and instead of working them out she just ended it. however, they can all be fixed, because now, after i stepped back, i can look onto the relationship objectively, and yes there were things that needed to be rectified and changed, but not to just quit and forget about the person you love.

[pl3asehelp]

Look, what she told you is surely not the whole story, which is why you have the false belief that this can be fixed. Her fickleness alone should be enough for you to understand she is not relationship material for anyone at this time.

[EgoJoe]

Man oh man. Look, it's like this. She texted you to sound off because she's dealing with emotions she isn't 100% aware of. She responded in kind because in her mind she's not interested but wants to retain a piece of that bond etc.

 

Don't indulge her. Eocsor and pl3asehelp said NC, she's not interested, move on etc. hit the nail on the head. I want to take it a bit further to say that I think given time and space you'll probably hear from her again. Don't initiate, don't respond to negativity and definitely don't wait around for her.

 

That being said. Until further notice and activity. Repeat after me, "I am completely in love with me. I can improve, learn, grow, change and do better for myself; not just to be better than or for someone else." repeat that everyday.

 

If/When you here from her again. Don't respond, immediately come here and we will help you. It is much easier for someone who is unattached with alot of experience to help. I'm nearly completely healed from something myself and still seek out certain older men for advice even though they ask me what I think after I explain the situation and say, "Your gut is correct. You can trust it." but it took awhile to get there and I'm still not 100% all of the time. THIS IS NATURAL. Everything you are thinking and feeling is natural. You are not some pathetically flawed shmuck.

 

That being said: shame on her for emotionally dumping her guilt on you for trying to work things out wayyyy after the fact. If she tries to initiate a conversation SOON I would go for it and kind of hit her with the facts (politely) followed by dropping off of the radar completely. I am not posting this to provide false hope. I am trying to be objective with you and I think you would do well to realize that whatever happens in the future is there. Not now. Right now, this is your chance to learn, grow, change and rise above these challenges to become the MAN you want to be.

 

Feel free to PM me at anytime about anything. Remind yourself that it is over, if she ever wanted you back you can't make it easy for her AND you will very likely not want her back (desperately) when the time comes. No matter what happens you need to heal. Read your butt off on these forums and you'll start to see patterns of behavior, contact etc. You'll realize that what she's doing is not uncommon and very predictably leads to a few outcomes. One of which is gone forever but not because she never wants you back...no she probably wants you to feel guilty and wait around so she can have you back whenever but because you will grow so tired of her BS that you won't talk to her unless she supplicates completely (and this is rare).

[EgoJoe]

Look, what she told you is surely not the whole story, which is why you have the false belief that this can be fixed. Her fickleness alone should be enough for you to understand she is not relationship material for anyone at this time.

 

100000% agree.

[TR3]

Wow, thanks, that does make sense. How do you PM someone on this website? I cant seem to figure that out. I would like to ask you a few more questions and see what you think and your idea behind it.

[EgoJoe]

If it's about specific stuff about why she did this or that. Don't bother to ask me yet. Read around here and other places for a week Then ask. You also may not have PMs turned on yet.

 

The reason I say this even though I said feel free to PM me any time is this: I can tell that you are still in the modeof thinking that if you say or do the right thing you can undo. You can not. It doesn't matter long term why, what, when she said whatever. The motivations are all the same at a root. Relax, read around here. Read the threads about random contact from an Ex. Read the break up, healing, exbf/gf relationship thread.

 

Then PM me with any questions you STILL have.

[TR3]

its not that i want to null the break up. i want to be able to apply the things i learned when we broke up. that was the first time i got to look at the relationship objectively. I want to use what i learned and apply it to make it really work. basically, i want to hang out and hopefully she will re-fall in love with me, but this time we wont make the same mistakes.

[EgoJoe]

Yeah, it won't work like that. It's over. No scheme in the world will work. All you can ever do is manage what happens and based off of what you've told us. She's still in that angry/denial/relief stage after ending it and you haven't given her anything but a mat to wipe her feet on. So...NC. Think about you. Remind yourself that it's over. There is no hope. You need to move on. That relationship is done.

[TR3]

Yeah, it won't work like that. It's over. No scheme in the world will work. All you can ever do is manage what happens and based off of what you've told us. She's still in that angry/denial/relief stage after ending it and you haven't given her anything but a mat to wipe her feet on. So...NC. Think about you. Remind yourself that it's over. There is no hope. You need to move on. That relationship is done.

 

I thought this is a relationship advice website. How can you say a relationship is done after she responded after 4 months? This is a step in the right direction. She had no reason to respond, she could have ignored me as before. I have to disagree, its done for now, but people get back together all the time, it jsut takes time.

[EgoJoe]

Whatever that happens next (if anything) will have to be new. But you have to heal and move on anyways. She didn't keep talking to you, initiate on her own or do anything CLOSE to admitting the truth. It was not a step in the right direction. Let go of this hope.

[TR3]

Yes, I agree, it has to be new. However, if she wanted nothing to do with me, she wouldnt have responded. Its going to take a long time and a lot of effort, but I do think its better then being ignored and gives a little hope. Obviously, Im still doing me and bettering my self, but I just cant help but see possitive in this.

[EgoJoe]

How old are you?

[TR3]

I am 23, i know I am young. I met many people in my life, and its scary to say, this girl is the one I want to be with. When they say, "when you know you know" and I really honetly feel that.