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Getting back together with the girl i belong with


TR3

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Wow, you hit it on the bulls eye. Our relationships are very similar and I agree with a lot of what you said. I am in denial/bargaining, I already went through depression and anger. I am not sure if in my case those 5 stages are linear. I know what you guys are saying is true, I just cant admit that. I truly in the bottom of my heart believe that me and her are meant to be together. Another reason why I am in denial, is I dont understand it why now, we cant just fix the things that caused the break up. I mean, I had time to be objective and look into the relationship from outside in, and I see what was wrong. And I think I have been really good at changing them. Why cant she see that or how can I show her that? If everything was perfect besides those things, and those things are changed, I dont get why we cant try again?

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I feel the same. However though i truly believe the problems which led my ex(and any other woman) to leave me are repaired and no way i would go back to old ways. Unless she wants to see it for herself theres absolutly nothing you can do as you'll likely push her away further by making her feel under pressure/looking desperate.

In my opinion unless she wants to see the changes herself you need to accept theres not much you can do and anything you do involving contact on your behalf will probably go against you and you'll endup regretting it.

This is my line of thought and what im actively doing. So if you did the opposit and it worked in your favour id eat my hat and copy you

Instead leave it in the hands of the gods, keep working on yourself and if she never comes back the next woman you meet will get the benefits of what youve learned since this breakup.

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I disagree that she isnt interested, she doesnt have to be polite after 4 months of NC and ignoring me in the bggining. It was perfect for her because she was saying and acting like she truly loves me. I think she just got fed up with issues and instead of working them out she just ended it. however, they can all be fixed, because now, after i stepped back, i can look onto the relationship objectively, and yes there were things that needed to be rectified and changed, but not to just quit and forget about the person you love.

 

You are reading too much into the fact that she responded to your text. She responded politely to you, that's all. She probably took her time deliberating over what was the right thing to do. You said yourself that her text was worded in such a way that it wouldn't initiate further communication. If she had wanted to reach out to you she would have either texted you first, texted you straight away or initiated further communication.

 

The bottom line is she wanted out of the relationship. It sucks, I know but it wouldn't have ended otherwise. There were two of you in this relationship and it doesn't matter how hard you try to fix things or take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship, if she doesn't want it to work then nothing you do can change that. I know she said you were her soulmate and she told you she loved you but people do change. It is possible to fall out of love. My husband promised to love and cherish me for the rest of our live's on our wedding day but that didn't stop him walking out on me 12 years later.

 

Its not about quitting, its about accepting what has happened and finding the strength to let go.

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idk if i agree 100%. I know her personality, and I know if she doesnt want anything to do with a person, she wont respond. She wont even look their way. I just dont understand how a person can say one thing and then want out of a relationship and flip 180. I dont get that, when I said i would love her even if she is 70, wrinkley and fat, I meant it. I would love her no matter what. But I guess osme people take that seriously then others.

 

Also, if we were perfect and happy at a point and then some things happened that made her less happy, if you remove those things then she should be happy again. Thats what I dont get.

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People are emotional and may say certain things depending on what they feel in the given moment. They may be confused or even say certain things that aren't necessarily true for certain objectives. People can also change. They can change in being in love with you and what they feel and can even change back to feel those things for you again.

 

You're looking at this too logically, as most men do, but women are going to go more on their feelings. This is a general statement but obviously everyone is different and depends on the situation/circumstances. It isn't always as simple as fixing the problem and everything is back to normal.

 

You're analyzing too much cause you're not emotionally stable. When people advise you to let go they are wanting you to be able to be self-sufficient. When you're no longer analyzing EVERY single detail is where you need to be. You can analyze for days but in reality it doesn't do much to help you guys in getting back together.

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idk if i agree 100%. I know her personality, and I know if she doesnt want anything to do with a person, she wont respond. She wont even look their way. I just dont understand how a person can say one thing and then want out of a relationship and flip 180. I dont get that, when I said i would love her even if she is 70, wrinkley and fat, I meant it. I would love her no matter what. But I guess osme people take that seriously then others.

 

Also, if we were perfect and happy at a point and then some things happened that made her less happy, if you remove those things then she should be happy again. Thats what I dont get.

 

 

She didn't do a 180. As Angler said above, it didn't happen overnight, it was something that had been on her mind for some time. When my husband left we had recently moved into our new home and was in the middle of renovating it. To me he seemed as happy as could be. He was going about things, planning things for the house, spending shed loads of money on landscaping the garden, as if everything was as it should be. He still told me he loved me, he would still text me "love you" on the end of every text he sent. Yet when he was finally able to talk to me about it he told me he hadn't been happy for at least a year and a half. * * * ]? How had I not seen it?

 

It might not be that "some things happened that made her less happy". It may be that she simply fell out of love with you in the same way my ex-husband fell out of love with me. It really isn't as simple as saying "right, well, no worries cos if I just do this then she will love me again". It doesn't work like that. If that were the case then no-one would ever split up permanently (unless it was a mutual ending) and the world would be a pain-free place. You only have to read the many stories on here to know that isn't the case. I know you don't want to hear all this but I really do think you are clutching at straws here. I understand, I've been there .... several times. I'm not saying that couples don't get back together, of course it can happen, but you can't force it and from what you said in your very first paragraph on this thread it doesn't sound like you did much wrong for you to work on. You said you were the perfect couple. If that wasn't good enough then I don't know what will be.

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Update: My friend told me that he was on my ex's facebook and I guess some guy wrote on her wall, " It was nice meeting you, I hope we can work out again sometimes". When he told me that, I felt like my world stopped and my heart was ripped out all over. Obviously she met some guy at the gym and exchanged names/phone numbers. It just hurts because I was hopping she can enjoy the single life and will miss US.

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Here is some advice I was given that made me feel better when I realized my ex maybe seeing someone else.

 

Four reasons why your ex dating someone isnʼt nearly as bad as you might think:

1. Theyʼll begin to compare the awkwardness of dating someone new to the comfort they had with you.

2. Even one bad dating experience can cause them to question why they left you. They might compare the good memories of your relationship to the current bad experiences of there new dates.

3. A new girl/guy doesnʼt have the same history you have with your ex. Good or bad you are your ex's norm right now and norms take a lot of time to change.

4. 90% of rebound relationships fizzle out for these reasons. Those are good odds.

 

So ya, that helped me and I hope it helps you, i'm not giving you false hope, she may not return, but don't feel like this new possible guy is the end of the world, he isn't, he's a rebound.

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Its just I feel like its my fault. If i faught for her and didnt let her go, then she would have considered giving me a chance again. I gave her time and up until last week, I didnt talk to her. After she responded to my text and I didnt write back, she "found" a guy at the gym. I just feel like its my fault and if I continued texting her and talking to her, I would have seen her and maybe she would have felt the same spark as before. Im hopeless

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Keep the chin up! I wouldnt be worrying about someone posting on a facebook page and for all you know that might be intensional for you to find out and be thinking the worst.

You did say you'd like her to rebound to realise what shes lost with you, this might just be the case?

As everyone says your analysing everything, which is completely normal, but not good from the prospect of moving on and getting back in control.

 

Its a hard situation but i think NC being strong and detaching yourself from the situation is the only hope you have of getting back to being your happy self + might make her curious to check in on you on her own accord, though if this is to happen it could even be years down the line so i wouldnt be looking at any quick fixes its a long road.

Im in the same boat and i know if they dont want to reach out theres absolutly no point trying.

I dont know if i like the other point of NC to have self respect, be dignified and show you have higher value without being needy, i dont really buy into that side of it but i think its the only option you have for yourself

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Its just I feel like its my fault. If i faught for her and didnt let her go, then she would have considered giving me a chance again. I gave her time and up until last week, I didnt talk to her. After she responded to my text and I didnt write back, she "found" a guy at the gym. I just feel like its my fault and if I continued texting her and talking to her, I would have seen her and maybe she would have felt the same spark as before. Im hopeless

 

Pursuing someone who doesn't want to be pursued wouldn't have done you any favours. You may interpret it as fighting for her but she would have interpreted as something entirely different. By refusing to let go and continuing to bombard her with calls and texts you would have come accross as being weak, needy and desperate and they really aren't attractive qualities to see in someone. Forcing, or trying to manipulate, her to change her mind just won't work.

 

Also you are, in effect, refusing to listen to what she is saying and that must be highly frustrating. You are thinking about what you want and not what she wants. She has made it clear what she wants and you have to listen and accept.

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TR3, I just read through the whole thread and if I didn't read the parts where you mentioned breaking up 4 months ago, I would have thought you just broke up last week from the info provided in your other posts. This might be harsh but honestly, you're being stubborn. A lot of great advice was given to you in this thread; digest it. The truth is the hardest thing to accept, but you have to think about what others on here are telling you. The point of this website is that "You are not alone." While every situation is unique, you're not the first person to go through this. Take some time to read other people's situations and you'll realize there are many parallels.

 

I'm in the same boat as you, I'm 23, went out with my ex-GF for 4 years, talked about marriage/kids, felt immediately after the breakup that we were meant to be, etc. It's been 2 months since my BU and NC ever since, but you MUST man up and live YOUR life. You MUST learn to love yourself before you can love someone else, and that was my problem - I relied on my ex too much, essentially lost myself and changed into a different person from the one she fell in love with.

 

There's always a positive and negative way to look at a situation. You can look at this as waiting around, hoping that she'll turn around, but this WILL only hurt you. You WILL get hurt. OR you can look at it this way: take it as a lesson to learn, to learn new things about yourself, to do things you've never done before, to grow as an individual, and gain confidence and self worth. With this route, you're BOUND to attract a girl. It's a win/win situation - you'll be a better man that knows more about relationships and you'll have gained character. It could be your ex or it could be a new woman, but you'll never know. You'll never know exactly what's going through your ex's mind, but you MUST focus on what you are doing in the PRESENT.

 

Well how do you start? Start by changing your thoughts which will in turn change your actions. As humans, we rely on what we know from the past because it's what we're used to. It's a challenge to be in a situation you've never been in, but that's how you grow. Stop thinking about hope, stop wondering what she's doing, stop wondering why she texted you quickly, stop thinking[i/] "coulda, shoulda, woulda." You have to catch yourself when you're doing any of these things, you must recognize when you're doing it because it will only hold you back. People are people. People change, people make false promises, it's human nature. At the end of the day, you only have yourself. You must be satisfied with yourself before you can share a relationship with someone.

 

Think of it this way - you've hit rock bottom and up is the only way to go. Let's forget our ex's because given enough time, we'll be even better men than the ones they fell in love with. Who's loss is that?

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Its just I feel like its my fault. If i faught for her and didnt let her go, then she would have considered giving me a chance again. I gave her time and up until last week, I didnt talk to her. After she responded to my text and I didnt write back, she "found" a guy at the gym. I just feel like its my fault and if I continued texting her and talking to her, I would have seen her and maybe she would have felt the same spark as before. Im hopeless

 

I understand, I have (had) the same struggle, and it really is difficult, especially when stereotypes based on the man expected to chase the woman come into play. But this ...

 

Pursuing someone who doesn't want to be pursued wouldn't have done you any favours. You may interpret it as fighting for her but she would have interpreted as something entirely different. By refusing to let go and continuing to bombard her with calls and texts you would have come accross as being weak, needy and desperate and they really aren't attractive qualities to see in someone. Forcing, or trying to manipulate, her to change her mind just won't work.

 

Also you are, in effect, refusing to listen to what she is saying and that must be highly frustrating. You are thinking about what you want and not what she wants. She has made it clear what she wants and you have to listen and accept.

 

... is very important to remember when you're are thinking and feeling the way you are.

 

And I'll add that after a break up, pursuing someone (if they left you) who DOES want to be pursued doesn't do you any favors in the long run either.

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