Am I being too hopeful?

[ironman73]

So I met up with my ex-bf on Nov 2. And we shared a couple bottles of wine (i.e. the truth serum)

 

I need some help with interpreting some parts of the conversation. Am I being too hopeful/stupid/torturing myself?

 

Him: Do you still have the pics from Mexico?

Me: Yes I do.

Him: Can you put me back on facebook so I can see them? (I had blocked him from facebook and google+)

Me: Don't you have them on your computer?

Him: Yes.

Me: Well why don't you put them up on your page?

Him: Because I am lazy.

Me: Well get to work. Listen- I don't want to see pics of you any other girls

Him: Oh c'mon- you know it is not going to be like that. Well, just add me on anyway- as a limited profile

Me: Why?so you can reminisce about old times?

Him: Yes. And it makes it easier for me not to talk to you

Me: Look- I am not going to make it easier for you not to talk to me. I am going to make it as difficult as possible

Him: How about you just add me to google plus?

Me: I'll think about it- maybe in a month.

Him: Please?

 

Him: You know, despite what happened with me and (ex-gf- his first love which took 4 years to get over) we never blocked each other off facebook

Me: You probably looked at each others photos zillions of times.

Him: Yeah. But we never commented on them.

Me: Well, I am not (ex-gf)

Him: Yes- you are more special than (ex-gf)

Me: I am more recent than (ex-gf)

Him: No, you are more special to me than (ex-gf) . Besides (ex-gf) and I are completely, totally over

Me: I thought we were over. Aren't we?

(silence)

 

Me: What did you do with all of our (racy) Pics?

Him: I took them off the computer

Me: Yes, I guess that having them on there would be a bad idea. Where are they?

Him: On a flash drive.

Me: Now you have cleaned off your computer for your next girlfriend.

Him: What did I tell you about assuming? I took them off so I wouldn't look at them every day.

Me: You looked at them every day?

Him: Yes- well, only the days you weren't around...

Me: Really?

Him: Yes.

 

Me: I am afraid that if, in 6 months you get your act together, you will get another girlfriend because you still won't want to be with me. And that would be so hard for me.

Him: There you go. You are assuming again. D- do you honestly think I will ever find someone as pretty and intelligent and as fun as you?

Me: No.

Him: So what are you worried about? Let me do my own thing and get my act together.

 

Me: I feel like our relationship is like a body and we have a cancer. The cancer is created by your insecurities.

Him: Your insecurities too.

Me: Whatever. And now we need to do surgery to fix it and cut out the cancer.

Him: D- gimme me a break. It's not like we have pancreatic cancer like Steve jobs. You and I have a thyroid issue.

Me: You mean a thyroid cancer?

Him: Yeah. What is the cure rate again?

Me: 90%.

Him: So we have a 90% cure rate. We just need minor surgery

Me: And radioactive iodine

Him: (laughs)

 

Him: This is just as hard for me as it is for you

Me: Really? How so? I can't believe it

Him: I bet you didn't know that I lie in bed every night from 1930-2300 trying up sleep. And when I do get to sleep, I sleep from 2300 to 0300. Then I get up do a couple of push ups and maybe read and start the whole day again

 

Me: So I guess you'd never date anyone with kids again

Him: No. Never. I mean, unless of course it was you

 

Me: I have to drink myself to sleep every night

 

Mutual friend- C is not going to do ANYTHING which will ruin his chances of getting back together with you

 

So the plan was to do NC for the rest of the month. But I broke down in Australia (didn't have an internet connection otherwise I would have talked to you guys). I texted him that I missed him terribly and that if he didn't miss me at all or feel that I was a source of happiness, to please let me know NOW because I don't want to spend the rest of the month thinking about it.

I didn't hear a reply. So then I texted- I guess from your lack of reply you do not miss me. Thanks for indirectly letting me know. Take care.

 

Then I got a reply: What did we say about assuming things?

And I never heard after that.

 

I don't know if I am being too hopeful or if he really does need space to figure things out. I am not afraid of him meeting someone more special than me, but I am very scared of being replaced by someone who is less than me. How do you deal with that?

 

Thanks

D

[mhowe]

There's nothing you can do ----he's going to do what he's going to do. From his words, it seems as though he is looking for space, to do what, I don't know. I think you should keep him blocked on FB, forget about getting him the pics, and think about moving forward in your life.

 

And don't keep sending out feelers about whether or not he's thinking about you. It comes accross as kind of weak and clingy.

[ironman73]

Yeah. I promised my sister that if I wrote to him or contacted him first, I'd owe her $500...

[mhowe]

Great idea! Keep him wondering --- if you are too available while he "finds" himself, it takes away the goal of getting back together.

[RetroHoney]

yea, b/c putting naked pics of yourself on the computer NEVER ends up all over the internet. why do something like that if you dont want it to end up there?? anyway, u should block him on F.B. and cut off contact with him. he seem type to put you on a porn site, sorry to say. maybe uses better judgments with men next time even though there's slim pickings in the first place. he sound like more trouble than it was worth, personally.

[ironman73]

We did them for fun. I am not worried about them ending up on the internet. I know where he lives.

[RetroHoney]

We did them for fun. I am not worried about them ending up on the internet. I know where he lives.

 

oh alright.

[ironman73]

I was looking for suggestions on the conversation, not the pics..

[mhowe]

unless there's another post w/ more info, it is hard to judge a conversation out of context. What were his reasons for break up....why does he need space...how old are you guys, how long together.

[mhowe]

As you said, the more you write the less good he sounds, and then you think back to the beginning. Well, the beginning is not the man he truly was --- that came after the love googles came off. Realize the man who left is the man he is, and stop idealizing him. You obviously have a lot going for you and you will find someone who truly appreciates you and your kids.

 

Never mind -- found your old post. Found my old answer.

[ironman73]

I know. it is so hard not to idealise. Especially when you think that someone is going through a tough time and is a jerk because of it.

I was wondering if your answer would have changed after the conversation.

Anyway, I did write to rubywoo about being careful about not chasing after someone, so I will have to heed my own advice to see if it works.

[mhowe]

No -- the context and your back story makes me think that he's just an immature guy who doesn't know what he wants and thinks he is letting you down easy and he's just getting on with his life.

[ironman73]

Wow. I hope that you are not right

Why can't they just be truthful? This way is so much more painful. Why can't they just man up and say it is over instead of giving false hope?

[mhowe]

Because they are cowards, and do not want to deal with the emotional eruptions that are sure to follow.

This way, they get to creep away slowly.

 

Rip the bandaid off, stay no contact and try to heal.

[Madara87]

Yeah. I promised my sister that if I wrote to him or contacted him first, I'd owe her $500...

 

Well if i was your sister i be asking you where is my $500

[ToF]

It sounds like you needs to start being realistic, not idealistic. He may be a good person overall, but for whatever reason, he no longer finds it necessary to put those good qualities forward for you and for the sake of a reconciliation. My guess (from what you've written) is that this idealism, this noticing the bad over the good, and this disregard for your own dignity has made you complacent in his eyes. From his perspective, he can do literally whatever (and whoever, not joking) he wants to and you will still hang around. Waiting on the sidelines is sill waiting.

 

You may think that blocking him online and giving him half-a**ed lines like "better get to work" .... "maybe in a month" are showing strength. But honestly, don't you think he can see straight through that? At the end of the day you're still talking to him, still meeting with him, and still breaking NC. So you can tell him a thousand times over that you need X, Y and Z, but until you make the tough decision and SHOW him what kind of woman he is dealing with, you may as well keep pressing 'repeat'. Stop expecting different results from the same old behavior.

[rosie smith]

Because they are cowards, and do not want to deal with the emotional eruptions that are sure to follow.

This way, they get to creep away slowly.

 

Rip the bandaid off, stay no contact and try to heal.

 

i have to agree with you there, my ex never had that opportunity though I just let rip and then left him to go and see his new lover for s*x basically

[deeplongbreath]

No -- the context and your back story makes me think that he's just an immature guy who doesn't know what he wants and thinks he is letting you down easy and he's just getting on with his life

 

trying to get on with his life sounds more likely to me. From what I've read the guy doesn't seem too happy right now - otherwise he wouldn't be sticking around as well, I mean he would have really moved on why not with a new girlfriend, etc.

 

These are poisonous, not to say toxic, but if we ever had a chance to have a peek at their inner person we know there is someone there who deserves better than being called names. The only problem is, they have to sort their issues by themselves, we can't help them with that. I know because I have tried - numerous times.

 

So I say go NC for a while, use this time for yourself and make your life better and try not to think of what the future holds. Nobody knows after all ;-)

[ironman73]

I think that I am not explaining myself well. We had that conversation prior to NC. And I broke the NC to tell him I missed him and since then, nothing.

The bet with my sister was after I broke the NC the first time- I promised I would not do it again.

But I do have to agree with you ToF, I need to be realistic. If he wants this relationship, he will step forward and do something to save it. There is nothing I can do now but move forward with my life. I am tired of fighting for it.

[rosie smith]

ironman the trouble is cause I feel like you are at his beckon call and he knows this you need to tell him that this is not the case or give him the message that is it you are done and be a strong women. If he really wants to be with you that will be the only way he still step up, guys always want what they can't get and it is only normally when you are at a stage to move on with your life do they truly come back, be a strong women stand up for yourself and walk away ok

[ToF]

It's not even that you need to put on the face of a "strong woman", necessarily. I feel like that's what you've been trying to do up to this point, and it's come off as weak and insincere. You need to make a decision, and commit to it. It seems complicated right now, but truly it's as easy as that. Make your choice and don't look back. I know it's scary, but you have support.

[rosie smith]

It's not even that you need to put on the face of a "strong woman", necessarily. I feel like that's what you've been trying to do up to this point, and it's come off as weak and insincere. You need to make a decision, and commit to it. It seems complicated right now, but truly it's as easy as that. Make your choice and don't look back. I know it's scary, but you have support.

 

ironmans situation is different to mine but I do agree it is all about making a choice and then going from there

[ToF]

Exactly. I'm not sure what your situation is, rosie, but I was speaking to the OP directly in my last post.

 

Everyone is different, and we all deal with things our own way.

[Sunflowergurl]

You had this conversation while drinking. i wouldn't believe a word.

[ToF]

You had this conversation while drinking. i wouldn't believe a word.

 

That's a good point.

 

In situations like this, it's easy to lean on alcohol (like referring to it as "truth serum") because he was saying things that indicated he was thinking about reconciling. However, it's just as plausible to say that the alcohol blew everything out of proportion, and that he did not mean those things he said. In fact, I'd bet that if he'd had negative things to say about your chances for reconciliation, you'd be more inclined to use the alcohol excuse in the opposite way ("he was drinking, so I don't think he really meant it ... ").

 

This says nothing about you or your character, I just think it's your idealism and wishful thinking rearing their ugly heads.