a fresh BU. opinions desperatly needed, dumpers views welcome.

[akri]

I’m obviously still raw and probably incapable of being objective about this right now, which is why I started this topic; I’d like some objective opinions/views/thoughts. Me and dan were together nearly 3 years.

 

My (ex)boyfriend and I met at work about 4 years ago and we were friends for about 8 months before we got together.

I guess you could say we jumped into the ‘coupley’ thing quite soon. After we officially got together he essentially moved into my place (I was living in a student house at the time). We didn’t sleep together immediately, we waited a few months as I was his first.

4 Months later I had finished my degree and was looking for a place to live. I had made the decision to stay in the UK where otherwise I would have moved back to my home of Jersey in the Channel Islands.

At first it was just assumed he would move in with me into my new place, but then he changed his mind, saying it was too soon, too young (he was 19 at the time) and didn’t have enough money. All fair excuses but it was upsetting at the time. Regardless, I decided to take the place anyway and see where things went.

As soon as I moved in, he changed his mind and moved in with me.

We spent 1 year in that flat, and the times were hard. I struggled the entire year with no money (I graduated in the middle of the recession and could barely find paid work anywhere), jobs I hated and to top it I had injured my back to the point I gained 40lbs, hated myself and was in pain 70% of the time. But we stuck through it. He was my rock and my happy place.

The year and the lease ended and we were looking for somewhere new, somewhere far more affordable than the place that I had taken initially when I graduated, with the promise of a graduate-loan from the bank (which was withdrawn the month I graduated because of the recession) and from a job that promised to put me back on full-time (which never happened). So we looked, but we never found and our last hope was withdrawn the week before move-out. So we made the very tough decision that I would move back to Jersey, which was still prospering due to it’s Offshore nature. So I did. I moved home and within 2 months got a great job (which I still have) in a place I loved (still do) and started making money. Most importantly I saw some great doctors and got some real help and I now considered myself recovered in terms of my back.

To date, I’ve been home now about 16-17months and every single day we called, texted, said we love each other and I have never had reason to doubt it. I always thought we were strong enough to survive long distance. I always planned to stay a maximum of two years, long enough to save enough money and/or get an internal transfer as my work is a global entity. Banking, no less.

I was last in the UK in September (we were back and forth) and it was lovely, it always is. We were so comfortable with each other, always in each others lives, two sides of the same coin-type of thing. We were a ‘we’.

I honestly planned to spend the rest of my life with him. I wont go into detail about my plans, but know that they were there and prevalent in all of my thoughts and plans.

I was going to move back to the UK, we’d find a place together etc.

ALL of my plans revolved around this and it would only have been another 6 months at most before I was due to move back.

I thought everything was happy. We were talking/texting as much as we ever did, there was never any negative words, we never argue, or rare enough to say never.

When I come back to jersey after September, he said that the separation was worse this time, and that what he missed the most was the company, the companionship, the times were we would cuddle and kiss and laugh together or just lie in bed spooned.

Then, on Monday he calls me as normal, he’s crying. He said he’s had the worst week. Says he has barely slept or eaten for a week. He says he isn’t sure if he feels the same way anymore. I obviously lose it, blind panic, the lot. I don’t shout, I just say, “I gave you everything, I would have given you everything. You don’t deserve me.” Then I hang up.

Two days later we talk again, I make my case, desperate for a resolution. I’m calm, rational mostly, but I beg, I plead, I cry. We talk for an hour or so. He goes away saying he’ll think about it. But I know him too well to think that that even *might* mean yes. All the times I asked him to move to Jersey, even going so far as to get him a job at my bank. But he always said he wasn’t ready to move away from his friends and family.

So I knew that it would mean no.

He called me the next day to deliver the blow. Even though I knew, I couldn’t help but hope.

On the same call we agree we’ll try the friends thing, we even play a game online for about an hour afterwards, all the while trying to keep things neutral.

What he doesn’t know is how utterly destroyed I am. You guys probably know the feeling. The sick to stomach feeling, the burning fear, the adrenaline shot every time the phone goes, the sick desperation, the hopefulness immediately followed by hopelessness.

Ive even casually contemplated suicide. I’m not talking about passing thoughts, I’m talking about thoughts so casual that I’ll head into the kitchen for a glass of water and catch myself reaching for the knife. I walked out into traffic the other day. It was so simple, so ‘casual’ that an onlooker would have believed completely that I just hadn’t seen the red-man.

He doesn’t know any of that and I’m not stupid enough to think it would help.

I asked him yesterday, by text, that if it was possible that to lessen the pain of the separation since September that he began to detach. He said he wasn’t sure if it was that. He’s said he still loves me, just not enough. He is adamant I’ve done nothing wrong and never have. We never fought, there was never any cheating, we were the best of friends and happy as lovers. We were the couple everyone believed would stay together for ever.

I came accross the concept of NC yesterday, shortly after I texted him. I havn’t spoken to him in any way since.

He’s at his brothers house this weekend and Ive asked one of his brothers (a fellow walking wounded) to talk to him, to suggest giving it another go but to not say the thought has anything to do with me. Steve (the brother) is a good guy and really wants to help, he’s a friend.

I love Dan, I can’t conceive of a future without him (back to my first sentence).

I’m wondering, I guess, if any of the above makes you think that If I stick to NC, take care of myself and my own development, confidence, etc etc etc etc, that there might be a chance?

He was due to come over in December for his birthday, and he says he’ll think about still coming (back to the ‘think about it thing’) and I’m trying not to attach too much hope that face-to-face will mean anything. We’re always better together. But like I say, ‘think about it’ usually means no so he most likely wont come in December.

 

I’ll stop now because this is long and paints me in a bad, desperate light.

I just wanted to know if anyone had any outside opinions about this that I can’t yet see.

Thanks for any kind words/honesty.

[penelope13]

LDRs are tough and people react/handle them differently.

 

When he first told you that he was having problems and not feeling good about the distance - did you give him actually sufficient opportunity to express his feelings without overloading him immediately with your emotional reactions and pleading?

[Ac0rn]

Stick to no contact for a while. Even if he wants you back, don't jump back into it right away. I know the natural thought is to take them back immediately (I did it twice) but don't do it. It'll lead to no issues being resolved as you'll be the same two people going back into the same relationship; the same problems will arise again and another break-up will likely happen. If you want a successful relationship with him you NEED to have some no contact because you can't go back to the same problems. He needs to clear his head as well and NC will help both of you realize if this relationship is what you want.

[akri]

not at first, no. Not from the first phone call. He just cried, the line was silent for minutes on end, nothing but the sound of me breathing and him crying. he only things I recall being said is that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in the relationship anymore, that he did still love me, but has felt uneasy about us for a month or so. aside from that, silence, my final words and hang up. So, in essence, i guess not really. I didn't really ask him what had brought it on, what specifically he felt was wrong etc etc.

[penelope13]

see in a relationship you have to give your partner to opportunity also to express their feelings with as much time as they want. He may not have wanted to break up at that point, but your emotional reaction probably made the issues that he was seeing in respect to the distance even more acute.

 

If you want another shot at this relationship, I would give it a bit of time (a week or something) and then write him a letter/email to apologize that you didn't validate his emotions sufficiently when he was reaching out to you and that you were too preoccupied with your own emotional reaction and fear. Maybe if you had taken the time to listen to him enough it would not have gotten to this rather quick break up. You are sorry about how this developed and you would be open to give it another go, if he agrees that the break up happened due to all the emotional pressure you put on him and the interaction.

[akri]

i want to agree with you here, i thought about that soon after that conversation, that instead of jumping on the heartbreak wagon we could have talked about it and resolved it right there and then. But i wonder now if we've crossed that threshold now. Given the fact that we spoke for an hour on tuesday about our relationship, made our various pros and cons and he went away to think about it and then ended it on wednesday, no fuss (in terms of hystrionics.) He was calm and quiet when he told me on wednesday. I'm not sure what I could put in a letter/email that would be different and/or that would make a difference. Not that I'm not willing to do just that, of course.

[penelope13]

so, if you don't think that may change anything - how do you hope to change his mind about the relationship?

 

If you believe there is no chance anymore - then you should indeed go NC and focus on yourself and try to move forward

[akri]

thats the thing, i really do think there is a chance. But i dont know if thats because of 1.) im desperate for one. 2.) I just cant understand what happened. there was no trigger, nothing, that im aware of. I dont see how you can kiss goodbye to 3 years of complete togetherness, through thick and thin etc after a month of missing someone to the point where letting go is easier. Surely he still feels something if he cried the entire time on mondays phone call and if he says he still loves me but that he just isnt convinced; By what he says he doesn't know. Just that he's not convinced about some aspect or other about our relationship.

[penelope13]

If it's 2) - it could be have to do with you not having listened to him properly. Some people are less direct/forthcoming with expressing themselves - especially if they are with someone who sort of 'takes charge/premium rights on expressing emotions'. - If this has any truth your only chance will be to make it very clear to him that you are sorry about this and that you would like to change this if you would get another chance.

 

When you want to reconcile - it's only possible if both partners are willing and if they are willing to reflect on what they did themselves to reach the breaking point and what they can do better not to let this happen again. It shouldn't be about who has more fault/guilt, but about owning up and improving oneself and the relationship.

 

From the way you described it in your OP, I believe he came to the conclusion that he will not be properly heard in the relationship and thus where is the point in continuing? He came to you with his concerns, but instead of listening and trying to understand - you jumped to conclusions and made it all about you, your needs, how much you invested in the relationship

[akri]

again, you're absolutely right. Even during the after conversations, i spoke 90% of the time about how much i would do (move to uk instantly etc) and how much I hurt, how much I had invested, how much I had given up to be with him and how much i felt he had neglected me.

Jesus, it's a bit different seeing this in type from an outside observor. I so wish I had this perspective even just 2 weeks ago, maybe things would have been different.

One thing i've neglected to mention thus far is that in mondays conversation he did say he felt we hadn't spoken much in the past month or so. I guess i was wrapped up in something else at the time as i hadn't been aware of this. He re-iterated the fact again that our communication hadn't been up to scratch. I wonder if this was a deciding factor for him. God Penelope, i wish I'd had you around earlier.

[akri]

now i have a dilema. I know Steve is going to talk to him today, on a man-to-man basis to get him to talk about it. Dan isn't going to know about my involvment at all, mainly because steve is going to say his own things, ive told him nothing to say, but steve is in my corner on this one.

Going back to what was said before, about me sending a brief note/letter about how sorry I am i didn't give him proper credit to express his feelings on monday (which i do kind of believe escalated this situation). I'm wondering if I should send him a quick text, no drama, no over-emotional stuff, just something brief to say how much I regret jumping in blind panic like I did instead of giving him space to vent his feelings.

My thought on this is so that he has this in his mind by the time steve talks to him.

thoughts?

I've seen in other places on here that in cases where the dumper feels that the dumpee didn't give enough space for them to express their emotions; hence a possible explanation for BU, that going completely NC will only serve to prove the point that i dont care about his feelings.

Any ideas?

[penelope13]

SO, what did you decide to do? Did you leave it, or did you decide to write to him?