eternalsunrise Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I'd like you all's honest opinion about something. When it comes to men and women... Are these "equal" offenses in your eyes? Man: Says he's loyal and devoted to his girlfriend, but he does things that make her uncomfortable: Looks at porn, downloads porn, goes to strip clubs with clients/says it's business and to maintain his role at work he's gotta host some guys on these nights and be involved in that kind of behavior "when in rome" kind of thing. Otherwise, good guy. Woman: Says she's loyal and devoted to her boyfriend, but does things that make him uncomfortable: Is FRIENDS-(only) with males. Open to male friendships (no funny business, nothing sexual). She doesn't flirt with them or look at them with sexual eyes. It's just genuine knowing them. Either scenario COULD lead down the wrong road, but it doesn't. Relationship is sustained. If one person demands the other doesn't do that, then the other party should also not do what s/he's doing. Right? Which offense is worse in your eyes? Thanks...just trying to get some insight... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fleurs Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 This is so typical. I am female and a very loyal person, I would never have guy friends like that. I expect the same from him... hmmm except for the porn. I have come to the realization that you cannot control if a guy sees porn, it is just the way it is. Anyway, to me, both are awful offenses, basically because you are hurting each other. Of course, you have to take into account how long you have been together and your plans for the relationship. If you are a fairly new couple I guess you just have to deal with it. If you have been together for a long time and/or have marriage plans, then it is extremely important that you respect and stop hurting each other like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 If a partner is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you have a right to ask them not to do it. They have a right to decide to respect your request or to place it before you. You then have a right to decide if you can accept their behaviour that makes you uncomfortable and stay or decide to move on. Its not about "whats worse" its about respect and toleration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 you're comparing frequenting strip clubs with having friends of the opposite sex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsunrise Posted November 11, 2011 Author Share Posted November 11, 2011 you're comparing frequenting strip clubs with having friends of the opposite sex? Bingo! *Thank you* very much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsunrise Posted November 11, 2011 Author Share Posted November 11, 2011 Thanks for the feedback everyone. This post was about a friend of mine's relationship. Bottom line, if there are such big incompatibilities and they hurt each other over it, might either need to delude themselves into not feeling/judging the way they do or move on. Fleurs, It is typical. But that isn't a solace to the people in those situations. Edmund, Yup respect and toleration is important in a relationship. People need to know their boundaries though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fleurs Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Yes eternalsunrise, I have been there. My point is, you learn to deal with it... either you accept it or you don't, if you don't then you get the hell out of there. You cannot change people. Sounds cold I know, and it hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Edmund, Yup respect and toleration is important in a relationship. People need to know their boundaries though. Yes they do, but as I said one being "worse" than the other is not an excuse to one up each other. Him going to strip clubs makes her uncomfortable and he should respect her wish not to do that. Her having male friends makes him uncomfortable and she should respect his wish and cease from hanging with guys. There isnt a scale when it comes to how much of your partners comfort level is OK to disrespect. My wife asked me to not look at porn, and while I viewed my looking at porn as "harmless" the fact that it upset her was enough for me to respect her wish. There isnt a scale when it comes to how much of your partners comfort level is OK to disrespect. You cant rationalize which is worse and should be allowable. That where selfishness comes in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Her having male friends makes him uncomfortable and she should respect his wish and cease from hanging with guys. That's psychotic. Having friends is a part of the human experience. You can't expect your partner to cease having friends of the opposite sex because it makes you insecure. Porn and strip clubs are a different matter - that's more an issue of compatibility. Some people are ok with it, others aren't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 That's psychotic. Having friends is a part of the human experience. You can't expect your partner to cease having friends of the opposite sex because it makes you insecure. Porn and strip clubs are a different matter - that's more an issue of compatibility. Some people are ok with it, others aren't. So if he had female friends that she wished him not to spend time with, you would accept his not respecting her decision? These are independent subjects, not one is a lesser evil than the other. Im not rationalizing his being allowed to look at porn or go to clubs because she has male friends. Im saying that in each case, the partners wishes should be respected if it makes them uncomfortable. Some people are OK with their mates having friends of the opposite sex, others arent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyingpiglet Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I think its important to set bounderies and then its up to the individual whether things are deal breakers or not! If I was seeing a guy that frequented strip clubs and wouldn't stop. It would pretty much be a deal breaker for me! Likewise, if a guy couldn't accept that I have male friends, that too would be a deal breaker! Its all about the bounderies! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I think its important to set bounderies and then its up to the individual whether things are deal breakers or not! If I was seeing a guy that frequented strip clubs and wouldn't stop. It would pretty much be a deal breaker for me! Likewise, if a guy couldn't accept that I have male friends, that too would be a deal breaker! Its all about the bounderies! Bingo! And we all are capable of making decisions. If you insist you need to have porn in your life and your GF is against it, then the relationship most likely isnt going to work. If you insist you keep your male friends and your BF is against it, then the relationship probably isnt going to work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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