cjmcm Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 So I've been with my bf for a few months now; everything is going perfectly apart from the sex. He's only had one relationship in the past and that was 3 years ago and that was the only girl he's slept with. We had sex for the first time over a month ago and it went awfully- clumsy, painful, embarassing etc. Tried a few times since then and it hasn't really gotten better! I'll stay over his for days at a time and nothing will happen.. he's said he's nervous and I understand.. but how do I get him more comfortable with things? At the moment we've only done missionary position for maximum of about 2 minutes. I know it'll take time but sex 4 times in 7 weeks is frustrating the hell out of me!! I'm not usually self conscious but his nervousness makes me nervous and it's an awful circle. Any advice on how I can break this cycle? I just want us both to enjoy our sex life- not worry about it! Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 At the moment we've only done missionary position for maximum of about 2 minutes Try taking the lead and not expecting anything from him. Get on him. Any advice on how I can break this cycle? If you both like wine it might not be a bad idea to crack open a bottle. Also, try some sensual massage, without any expectations. Link to comment
DreamingLife Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I'd say stick with cuddling and kissing and just take it very slow. It may be frustrating, but try and not push him, be acceptive and understanding of any barriers he has. And I agree with BellaDonna - don't create expectations. See how that goes. For me personally, it takes longer time to genuinely open up emotionally, so I would appreciate a partner who creates a safe environment for me to do so. Hopefuly this helps Link to comment
22n32 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 hmmmm... im kinda confused... why he hasnt taking the lead and made love to u were he knocked off ur socks.. i know for me its just comes natural, when i like someone and im attracted to them.. i cant keep my hands off them espically first few months of rel, making love all over the house.. espically at 21.. i was a walking bxxxxx one thing i can share i had a friend, she was dating this guy for 6 months, they had sex once a month she was very confused.. well he ended up being gay.. but he was still hiding it in a rel.. im not saying this is ur bf.. but it has happened before.. most normal 21yr old guys.. wanna have sex many times a day.. Link to comment
cjmcm Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 Thank you for all your advice! 22n32- he;s 26, not 21 but I don't think that changes your point- I certainly hope he's not gay though! Link to comment
22n32 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Thank you for all your advice! 22n32- he;s 26, not 21 but I don't think that changes your point- I certainly hope he's not gay though! yeah it doesnt... my class mate married a guy.. they were both 28 when they got married.. were married for 2yrs.. had sex 1 every two months... and 2yrs into the marriage, he told her he is gay... from a guy, we love sex as u ladies do to.. so 4 times in 7 weeks is a red flag for me.. espically in a new rel... Link to comment
Madison12 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 This would be a dealbreaker for me. Sex shouldn't be so much work especially in a new relationship. My ex was like this to an extent. It never got any better. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 yeah it doesnt... my class mate married a guy.. they were both 28 when they got married.. were married for 2yrs.. had sex 1 every two months... and 2yrs into the marriage, he told her he is gay... from a guy, we love sex as u ladies do to.. so 4 times in 7 weeks is a red flag for me.. espically in a new rel... I would not jump to conclusions that the guy is gay. I think as the OP said in her thread title, he's "nervous". Sounds like he may have some insecurity or even performance anxiety. It's any number of things. Link to comment
22n32 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I would not jump to conclusions that the guy is gay. I think as the OP said in her thread title, he's "nervous". Sounds like he may have some insecurity or even performance anxiety. It's any number of things. Number of things like gay. I never said he was. I shared 2 stories of were sex was not exsistent in a Rel and they both turned out to be closet homosexual.. confused on there feelings so they force themselves to be with women. The lack of sex in a new Rel is a big one.. scared or not. He should try more then 4 times in 7 weeks Link to comment
22n32 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 The 2 examples I gave. Looking back the girls said biggest red flag was the lack of sex... There are tons of guys bad at sex and scared. But still go thru with it as much as possible. Practice makes perfect.. I'm not just saying gay to say it. But the evedince does point to it. And that can't be ignored. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 It's a possibility but I think it's far more likely that he's just very nervous has some anxiety/insecurity/intimacy issues. Which of course, would put a damper on his libido because sex would just be so nerve-wracking for him. Personally, I've heard of many more guys with such problems versus them being gay. Esp by a certain age because most people will "know" by late 20s or so. Link to comment
22n32 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Agree all those would cause low libido... But what gets me is 4 times in 60days for a guy in his mid 20s that's a new Rel... No matter how scared a guy is we wanna try and do it as much as possible.. Link to comment
UglyAndGlad Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Speaking from experience, he could just be really embarrassed about the 2 minutes thing and/or worried and insecure about his sexual abilities. I know when I have sex, I always feel nothing but shame and guilt afterwards because I feel like I underperformed or like I could've done something better. Have you tried taking over? I mean like actually pulling off his clothes and yours and so forth. He might not be one to get the hint that you want him to have sex with you. Some guys just can't get themselves to realize that women want to have sex with them. My advice is to jump his bones. Take any guesswork out of it for him. Link to comment
cjmcm Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 Thank you for the suggestions- I tried to 'take control' as you say, and it didn't really work.. he just seemed uninterested.. Started kissing and he turned it into a 'peck' and pulled away. I'm not too sure what I'm doing wrong here; I tried talking to him about it a bit and he just admitted to being really nervous but that doesnt explain why he doesn't seem interested..! Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I would say to continue being open and supportive with him, helping him "ease" into it. If some more time goes by and he's STILL not warming up/making an effort, then I would just move on. He may have some sexual hangups or other issues and while it's good to be understanding and all, you're not definitely not obligated to stick around and help him work through them. That is really up to him. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I would say to continue being open and supportive with him, helping him "ease" into it. If some more time goes by and he's STILL not warming up/making an effort, then I would just move on. He may have some sexual hangups or other issues and while it's good to be understanding and all, you're not definitely not obligated to stick around and help him work through them. That is really up to him. This is very sound advice. I think sometimes it's easy to forget that relationships are supposed to be pleasant and reciprocal. Sometimes partners spend so much time trying to "help" "analyze" "figure out" "work on" or "fix" one another that it is hardly a relationship at all, but more like a science project/case-study/clinical intervention. I agree with Fudgie: It is really great that you are willing to work with him on this, but certainly don't feel obligated to have to deal with it if he isn't putting effort in. Don't take on "his" problem as your own, essentially. You deserve happiness and for your basic standards to be met as well, and you deserve some attention too. Link to comment
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