Can relationships work after cheating?

[caz83]

I just wanted to ask a general question really... has anyone ever tried to maintain a relationship after fining out your partner had cheated? Did it work out? If it didn't work out then why not and what made you want to try it in the first place? A few years ago the guy I lived with left me for someone else and although I am over it now, I was talking about it with my friend the other day and found my self wondering if he had chosen to stay with me, would it have even worked out anyway after knowing he had a relationship with someone else. I dont really want advice for myself as that situation was over 2 years ago and I dont even have any contact/interest with him anymore. Its just something I was thinking about about wanted people stories of trying to rebuild a relationship after a betrayal...does it ever work?

[Anonymous 6]

I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years, he was having inappropriate relationships with several women while we were together throughout the course of 3-5 months. I caught him on most of the stuff, but he always told me there was nothing that I did not catch him on. First of all I have never believed that; All of this happened right after our first year of being together, so it was about a year and a half of "working it out". He apologized and told me that he would do whatever he needed to, I requested therapy; he said that he would be open to it but then wound up refusing. The best thing that we did was I went and got the book "after the affair" and highlighted everything in the book that described how I felt after his deception. I just recently left him, and quite honestly, I hope that he leaves me alone, and I never go back. I think one of the biggest things is that when someone cheats, the other goes through SO MAY different emotions, feeling of betrayal, if he lied to me about that- what else?, am I not attractive?, could I have done something differently? is this my fault? and the questions go on and on... I think that it can be fixed- in my situation, I don't think that we were right for each other to begin with; Therefore it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways.

[Anonymous 6]

Another added note: When something breaks, you can fix it, but it will never be the same as it was before it was broken.

[thejigsup]

My late bf went through a stage where he cheated. But, I understood the motive. We both came from families where our fathers were abusive emotionally and physically. It leavesyou with incredible insecurities and anger issues. He was acting out his anger towards women by sleeping with them and then dumping them. He always treated me like a queen, so I know he was fine with me. I was on the pedestal and he never associated the cheating with me. After several degrees in psych, I could see this, but I didn't want to live with it. So I confronted him, he stopped and started spending almost too much time with me. But we worked it out. I don't know if any of you watch the reality show with Gene Simmons, but his now wife, Shannon, said something very profound: "His cheating wasn't something he did to me, it was just somethng he did." He got help and saw how selfish his cheating was. But the point I'm making is cheating does not mean they don't love or respect you, it means they don't love and respect themselves and that can be fixed. I was loved, I know that, but my bf had a lot of trouble loving himself.

[caz83]

But I have always believed that if you love someone you wouldn't want to cause them any pain..and no one else would interest you? When people give their partner another chance do they not always question whether they are loved?

[rocio]

But I have always believed that if you love someone you wouldn't want to cause them any pain..and no one else would interest you? When people give their partner another chance do they not always question whether they are loved?

 

I think this is a key concept. If the person who has been cheated on believes that it's all about them, there is little chance of moving on. Like thejigisup said, sometimes it's more about the cheater than the victim.

[caz83]

Yeah I can understand that. I think if the cheater has issues it usually manifests in a string of one night stands and cheating with various girls. But for my ex to have had a relationship with someone else for 18 months, I dont think I would have been able to forgive that..no matter how much I wanted to at the time, and even if he claimed it was a big mistake

[rocio]

I think that still says WAY more about who he is as a person, and not so much about you. He was also stringing the other woman along, in assuming? Sounds like he was majorly flawed and I doubt he will be very successful in his future relationships. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there.

[lukeb]

I think it is possible if the person who was cheated upon takes responsibility for what drove the other party to cheating. If your partner is lonely or sexually unfulfilled there can perhaps be forgiveness. There has to be some recognition that we aren't perfect, and that there is something there in the relationship worth saving.

[Lester]

Not married to him and you have no kids... why would you or anybody want that to work?

Either way...

Another word for infidelity is immaturity. The unfaithful are not much different than children. They need Mom/Dad/enabler spouses.

Like Rocio said, you dodged a big one by not having this person in your life.

[brokenheart911]

It can work out only if both partners are willing 110%. If not then it won't work. It may be repairable but it will never be the same. A wound will heal but the scar remains.