Sookie Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 My ex left me for someone else. I have been devastated and very very sad for a long time, the fact that he replaced me that easily and moved on so quickly really shattered my self esteem, made me feel not good enough, etc... For all those, who have been in a similar decision, you know, what I mean. Anyways, what I came to realise is, that it doesn't actually matter, that they left us for someone else... I mean, at the end of the day, it doesn't really make such a big difference, the result is the same, whether they left us for someone else, found someone new 1 week, 1 month, 6 months, 1 year after the BU or just left the relationship in order to enjoy being single again... fact is, no matter what their reasons were, they simply wanted out of the relationship, they chose to not have us in their lives, in their future anymore, period. The third person may have been the catalyst for the BU or even the main reason, I guess, we'll just never know. But in the end, we shouldn't care if our ex's are on the rebound or have GIGS, if their relationship will work out or not, their reasons and their lives are none of our business anymore since they don't play any role in the outcome: they do NOT want to be in a relationship with us anymore. It was their consious choice! Whether their behaviour is healthy or understable in our eyes, it simply doesn't matter, they had their reasons which wer good enough to justify their decisions for themselves. I know, my ex didn't BU and leave me for someone else on purpose in order to hurt me, he just did, what felt right for him at that moment in time. He wanted to find happiness for himself and as a side effect that meant causing pain to me, which was inevitable, since I wanted to stay in that relationship. For a long time, I felt like the "victim", wondering, how my ex could be so cruel to hurt me that much by simply replacing me with someone new. Now I realized, it doesn't really have to do much with me personally. He wasn't happy in the relationship anymore and he simply wanted to be happy again. And it is his good right, to leave something which wasn't working anymore in his eyes. Sure, I wished he would have talked to me, would have tried to fix things, but he chose to give up and I need to accept his choice. Our ex's are no cruel "monsters" (also I thought so, for quite a while), their are humans with feelings, too. They may have acted in a very selfish way, but ir we are honest, when it comes to our own happiness, I guess we all put ourselves first...even if we may not want to admit it... ;-) I don't know, I think I just needed to vent... somehow these thoughts help me to cope with my situation. It helps me, when I try to put myself in my ex's shoes and try to see things from his perspective... our ex's are no bad people for leaving us, it is their good right... if we think about it for a second....even if that means we the lose the ones we love most... I guess, that is life... Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 I think sometimes it's not so much the FACT of the break up, but the WAY it was handled. Surely it's always going to hurt, but sometimes (as it's been my case) the timing and way of doing it was completely awful. And in that, some exes are a bit cruel in my eyes. Link to comment
Sookie Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Yeah, I know what you mean. My ex literally disappeared when he told me it was over, no real explanation, no real closure, nothing, NC ever since... I would have acted differently if I were in his shoes. And I used to to pity myself for being treated like that, which made me feel even worse, thinking "how could he do this to me, throw me away like garbage!" ... but those thoughts only hurt me even more, I was trying to understand his behaviour, make sense of it and it only made me even more depressed... that is why I'm saying it doesn't matter... because really, it doesn't change the fact that they are gone... and by thinking all the time how bad they were for having treated us that way, doesn't make us feel any better... at least I had the impression it made me even more sad... I don't know... I feel better when I try to think of the facts and not try to figure out their reasons and if their reasons are valid in my eyes or not... believe me, I had so many sleepless nights wondering and trying to understand his actions... but did it bring me any further?! No, not really... Link to comment
Melting Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 I hear every word you say, now I just have to get it to sink into my brain! Link to comment
rosie smith Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 sookie when someone replaces you that quickly normally I don't think it is to find happiness, you have to remember whatever baggage they are taking from the relationship with you they are then taking into the new relatioship and often cause a man can't do without a women, especially if you guys were in a long term relationship often the first person they will pursue. that is just my take on the matter cause I don't think it is about happiness and even though your ex might be happy with his replacement it does not mean they will last cause often if you keep your distance from him, sooner or later he will realise well may be he did the wrong thing by leaving you and even though that might not happen having been kind of replaced or may be my ex just needed the thrill I don't believe my one would of ever been on the phone to me in tears or anything like that if he had been totally happy or convinced that his new women was right for him and as my sisters boyfriend said to me ages ages ago sometimes men just neeed the company the comapany and sex after a relationship please don't take this post either as me trying to get your hopes up, I just think you can never know why someone else has replaced you or anything like this either way I would not presume to think he is happy, does not miss you or anything like that just don't contact and see how things end basically I even had a friend, same thing happened to her three weeks later her ex came crawling back and she told him where to go in the end I should also say that after going through a similar thing myself my ex never went off with someone to find happiness he did it cause she offered him sex and he was not enough strong enough to say no says a lot really but anyhow some men just find it easier to never sort there issues with you, but it does not mean there new relationship will last cause I do believe that karma is a b*tch Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Are men really like that though, they can't "say no when offered sex"??? I refused to think that all men are that basic, but it seems the more I read the more I realise they really can't say no... Link to comment
rosie smith Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Well I found all this info out from my ex Skype account so yup they clearly can not say no and two a bit months later after NC he told me he was still trying to be ok within himself and around me. All men are the frigging same, but If they are In a loving sexual relationship I don't think they will cheat, It Is just when they think they can Link to comment
DN Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 It is a mistake to think that all men or all women act and react in the same way. Apart from being somewhat disrespectful to an entire gender, it will not serve you to proceed on that basis. Sookie, I think your post was an excellent one with many insightful points. Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Well I found all this info out from my ex Skype account so yup they clearly can not say no and two a bit months later after NC he told me he was still trying to be ok within himself and around me. All men are the frigging same, but If they are In a loving sexual relationship I don't think they will cheat, It Is just when they think they can I was in a relationship for 3.6 years and I never once even thought of doing that to the person I loved. It was the other way round in my relationship, women are just as bad as men when it comes to this subject so I find it very sexist, offensive and a little bit sad that you would think like this. On the subject of the OP I also disagree with the "ex's arent cruel monsters" thing. My ex left me for another guy and she was trying her best to keep me on the back burner, just because she knew that she could. Well as soon as I started moving on she'd do cruel things like come flaunting her new relationship in my face just to get to me, so no not all ex's are cruel but some of them are very cruel. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 It may not be fair to label all exes cruel, and yes, everybody has the right to make a choice about who they spend time with. But some people are cruel in the way they go about breaking up and how they deal with situations afterwards. Just my opinion. Link to comment
Sookie Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Actually, what I was trying to say with my post is that it doesn't matter whether my ex is happy with her, whether they will last 2 months, 2 years or forever. I have no idea, nor my ex, nor his niew gf- no one can predict the future. That is why I try not to worry about it anymore, as it only keeps me stuck. It also doesn't matter, if he is happy with her or not, again, I have no idea and I'll never find out, it simply is none of my business anymore. What matters to me though is, that he CHOSE to walk away from me and he CHOSE to be with her and this, only this, is what matters at the end of the day. Unless he tells me, he made a mistake and wants me back, I assume, he is more or less happy with his choice.... and if he isn't, well, tough luck for him, that is his problem then and not mine. Everybody is responsible for their own decisions. I'm not saying, each and every decision we make is right, but either way, we have to deal with the consequences of our choices. May that be to move forward with our lives or look back and apologize if we realize it was a mistake... I also came to realize that the whole discussion about "rebounds, GIGS" only generates false hopes...at least I'm talking of my own experience... Doesn't a relationship and the fact whether it will work out or soon fail again, has more to do with how compatible 2 people are and not how fast they got into a relationship? Or what their reasons were for getting together? In the beginning, I was searching the internet for rebound and GIGS stories and I hoped to read, how soon they failed again... but again, some of those relationship DO last (at least a couple of years), so I wouldn't consider them a complete "failure"... sure its not healthy and they may carry lots of old baggage into their new relationship and may hurt another person by rushing things... but then again, I do believe, people do what feels right for them and what makes them happy when it comes to making choices... and if that means jumping from relationship to relationship, well, so it be then... And this shows, that it doesn't matter anymore what our ex's think or do, and why they do what they do, if they are happy, if they miss us, if they regret their choice, if they live happily ever after with theor new lovers...since - unless they reach out again (for the right reasons)- the result stays the same, they CHOSE to walk away from us... Link to comment
Sookie Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 It may not be fair to label all exes cruel, and yes, everybody has the right to make a choice about who they spend time with. But some people are cruel in the way they go about breaking up and how they deal with situations afterwards. Just my opinion. Sure, there are always mean and cruel people out there, but I think, in the majority of cases dumpers don't want to hurt us on purpose by their actions. Of course, I consider my ex's behaviour selfish, but I still don't consider him a "bad" person for behaving that way. He may be weak and a coward, but not a bad person. And even if ex's are mean in some cases, it doesn't bring us any further to ponder how mean they were, how they could do this to us, etc... actually in cases like that, we should consider ourselves lucky that we saw their true colours and can be happy we are no longer together! Link to comment
DN Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 I think the most important thing is to realise that people don't 'owe' us a relationship. if it isn't working for them they have a right to leave and are not obliged to try to work things out. It is different if there has been a marriage or equal to marriage relationship but even then there are limits. How they break up can be defined as as kind as possible or cruel or anything in between - but that doesn't alter their right to go. Link to comment
Sookie Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 I think the most important thing is to realise that people don't 'owe' us a relationship. if it isn't working for them they have a right to leave and are not obliged to try to work things out. It is different if there has been a marriage or equal to marriage relationship but even then there are limits. How they break up can be defined as as kind as possible or cruel or anything in between - but that doesn't alter their right to go. Yes, I agree!! I also think that people simply do what they think is best for them, with the knowledge they have at that specific moment in their lives, in order to make things as easy and smooth as possible for themselves... I guess most dumpers have a hard time, too, knowing they are breaking someone else's heart (of course mostly not as hard as us, who got left behind...but still). Some are stronger to face the consequences of their actions others simply can't help themselves and run and hide behind some new gf/ bf... but like you say, that doesn't alter their right to leave.... I guess, some dumpers would behave differently now, in hindsight with the knowledge they have gained since they broke up with us... we all live and learn through our mistakes and our experiences and so do our ex's.... Link to comment
DN Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 It is also better for all concerned that no one stays in a relationship in which they are unhappy for fear of hurting someone if they break-up. That isn't a relationship, it is a charade. Link to comment
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