Thought experiment

[diarmuidz]

I'm gonna take a study break and write a quick post - something that just intuitively makes sense to me.

 

I want to suggest a thought experiment for all the dumpees out there, like myself, who are languishing in loneliness and pain. It may help you with that paradigm change and ultimately help you shift your mind set. Now I know that everyone here has their unique story, their special set of circumstances, and unique personalities - but just keep it general and non specific. So stop looking at a situation from the point of view of dumpee... and step into the shoes of the dumper!

 

Imagine, hypothetically, that you are in a relationship with someone. At first you were smitten, and happy, but over time you slowly fell out of love with your partner. Perhaps they seemed less attractive to you, perhaps there were some irreconcilable differences, perhaps there might have been totally unrelated issues (job/school stress, money, family, etc) that somehow spilled into your personal life. You may not want to blame them completely, because perhaps you too were responsible in letting the relationship sour. But for whatever reason, be it their fault , or yours, or both.... you starting seeing your partner in a negative light.

 

Suddenly, everything they did was viewed through the filter of pessimism. You found them annoying, intolerable, obnoxious, needy, clingy. In reality, they may not be any of those things, but that's how you started seeing them, and perception becomes reality. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they would speak and act in a way that reinforced how you felt, whereas before those exact same actions would have seemed endearing and charming to you. You found you weren't happy with the relationship, where it was going, and you felt stifled, panicked and suffocated. You wanted OUT! But of course, you still care for your partner, you didn't want to hurt them, but it's inevitable. You had these negative impressions weighing on you, and you decide to end it.

 

When you finally break the news, your ex is devastated, and begs you to stay. Tries to reason with you, makes appeals to your heart, and eventually cries. Doesn't your ex get it?! You're not happy! You want out of the relationship. Now you're even more annoyed with your ex, and eager to end it quickly. There may or may not be "someone else" you have in mind, but you just know that your ex is proving to be unfit to continue in this relationship. You just want to end it and get away.

 

Now that you're free again, and you're feeling relieved and unburdened, the last thing you want is you ex trying to "make things right". As far as you're concerned, things are "right" right now! You see through their "casual" emails/txts as pathetic veiled attempts to reinsert themselves into your life. Your ex doesn't seem hot or attractive or interesting or desirable anymore.... they're just trying to keep you in their lives and that smacks of desperation and neediness. You try to break away and they hold on tighter... you feel more confident in your choice now. You know you did the right thing, and as much as you don't want your ex to suffer, you actually realize it's their problem and not yours. You want to get on with your life - without them!

 

If they finally get the hint and leave you alone, you couldn't be happier. Good riddance you think! You go on with your life, and every once in a while, you may think back to your ex, and remember them as the same needy desperate loser you tried to leave behind. Maybe if you truly loved your ex, you may wonder how they're doing, hope they're doing well, but you definitely don't want them back. Maybe they might break NC to reach out to you, and you know they're still holding a candle for you, leaving the porchlight on. No thanks, you think, not walking into THAT trap again. Eventually you'll find someone else, and you'll happily ever after, probably never thinking about your ex again.

 

But what if, one day, you can't help it and reach out to your ex? What if you happen to bump into them on the street, at a party, on campus, etc... And to your surprise, you find a totally new person. Not that sad depressed shell of a human you walked away from, but a vibrant, happy, confident, charming person. Your ex isnt' pursuing you anymore - because your ex knows there are plenty of other options. You realize your ex is not the same person anymore - maybe got into better shape, is doing fun/adventurous things, is successful, is making money, is developing as an individual in every aspect of their lives. When you add all the new qualities to the fact that there used to be a loving relationship between the two of you, you suddenly find yourself falling for your ex all over again. Something about the new ex makes you want to try again. Maybe they'll take you back - maybe they won't... but you know you'd be willing to give it another shot.

 

My friends, when you look at it from the dumpers point of view - it becomes simple human psychology. Some people stick around after relationships sour, other people move on. Don't be stagnant - grow, learn, be a new person, be successful, responsible, happy, in control of your situation, your emotions, and your life. There is NOTHING you can do to bring the ex back, NOTHING you can say will make it happen. If you want your ex back (and I feel most of us here do), then it is only possible by improving who you are, in nuanced and subtle ways. Leave your ex alone, and work on the relationship you have with yourself. Love yourself, elevate yourself, put yourself on the pedestal that you had for your ex, and every waking second live up to the image of the best version of you. Tap your potential, step out of your comfort zone, and be amazing. Your ex may indeed never come back, but do what I say, and guaranteed you WILL have many other options available.

 

Good luck to all of you.

[LSgirl]

Thank you for writing this. Even though it's something I know in the back of my head, and have been on message boards since 5 years in a past relationship and learning about NC. I'm going through it again, and reading your thread really helps me to stick with NC and work on myself. I first did NC to get him back, but clearly this is not something I have control over (to get him back). What I DO have control over, is how I handle this breakup and use it to improve myself rather than to think I was abandoned and rejected, when there's someone else out there who will love me. I'm not a very patient person, but I HAVE to be. Remember that I have to love myself again before somebody else does. I've compromised my emotional needs to be with someone, and now I know it would have never worked in the long run. It's not fair to myself to stay in this pity party when I know I deserve a lot better. Again, thank you!

[arish]

thanks for this post, it has inspired me and hopefully will get me out of my bed where I have been the last 2 days depressed and completely empty.

[diarmuidz]

thanks for this post, it has inspired me and hopefully will get me out of my bed where I have been the last 2 days depressed and completely empty.

 

Arish, I hope it does help. I don't know your situation at all, but if you've really been in bed for 2 days, then take a refreshing shower, get dressed and get outside. Go for a walk - the park, the river or lake front, to the mall - anywhere you want. Get out of your place and get some fresh air. Maybe stop by a Starbucks and treat yourself to an overpriced latte. I would also suggest, if you have a museum or an art gallery where you live, go visit one by yourself. Don't be afraid to go explore on your own. When you come home, hopefully in a somewhat better mood, try 10 minutes of meditation (google search: mindfulness meditation techniques to get some pointers/directions). I can guarantee that 10 mins of meditation a day will do wonders for you before you know it!!! (Trust me.. I AM a doctor, and I've seen meditation do wonders for patients)

 

If you're lucky enough to have family/friends in the area, go get dinner with them this coming weekend. Maybe even go take in a movie. Point is, get out of bed, get off the internet, shut down facebook, take a shower, get out of your place and MEDITATE!!

[dabbledave]

Excellent post!

[northpickle]

Brilliant post, thank you!

 

I'm quite interested in psychology anyway and a lot of what you have written makes a lot of sense in mine / the ex's situation. One thing I still don't understand as the dumpee is why he was trying to be my friend and catch up every 2 weeks after the break-up. I've knocked that on the head now though, it was hurting me too much to hang out with him and not go home with him afterwards!

 

Anyway, thanks again!

[Jim Wormold]

Have been thinking about this issue a lot lately. My moments of briefly

letting go felt liberating and I am improving myself in all sorts of ways.

 

So often one reads that when we the dumpees no longer long for them, that's

when the dumpers make contact. It's as though they sense this in the air, as esoteric

as that may sound.

 

To truly move on would be to also open oneself up to someone new and that would

be the end of the dream to have the dumper back.

 

So, my big question is: how do we let go, move on, yet keep that back door open?

That would be impossible right, because basically we are expected to give up hope

of reconciliation when we change our mind sets?

 

Or are we talking about a different kind of moving on: one where we improve ourselves

for ourselves, including even our mind set, yet avoid relationships for a few months

just in case the dumper returns. Is that essentially what this forum is about?

[diarmuidz]

So, my big question is: how do we let go, move on, yet keep that back door open?

That would be impossible right, because basically we are expected to give up hope

of reconciliation when we change our mind sets?

 

Before I answer that, I want to preface it by stating that I too am heartbroken and trying to get over my fiancee leaving me, so any and all "advice" I give on this site is first directed to myself, and then others. I would like my ex back in my life, and maybe one day she will be, but its' not the situation now. So right now, today, I have to focus on me. I have to take care of myself, I have to live MY life and I have to go on without her. It's lonely, her side of the bed is empty and cold, and sometimes I find myself crying. But I'm getting better - 5 months NC.

 

So what to do? It's been said a million times on this forum to work on yourself. Self-improvement, self-discovery, growth and happiness. Fair enough, but what about pining for your ex? Still waiting on them to come crawling back into your life? If they do, be ready for it! You'll be a new person and it will be fun and exciting. But until then, you have to assume it's over for good. So here's what I suggest, and my apologies to everyone who finds this a bit morbid. If someone you know passes away - a parents, a sibling, a friend - you grieve over the loss, and slowly, over time, you heal. You know they are gone to a place they can never come back from, and so you know in your heart you have to work through the emotions, gradually, and come out on the other side.

 

The Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief are; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. You will have to work through each of those phases, and not necessarily in that order, and you may find yourself cycling through them repeatedly. So view the end of your relationship as a type of symbolic "death" of a loved one, and allow yourself to grieve. I think we hold ourselves back from moving on because we think the relationship can come back to life, so we resist common sense and torture ourselves waiting. How unhealthy and sad would it be to never accept a loved one had passed away and instead sit and wait for them to spring back to life in front of your eyes? When someone dies, there is a finality to it. Similarly, when this relationship ended, and you tried initially to save it (we all tried to save it), and it didn't work, well then, there is a finality to that too. So bury your relationship which is now deceased - forget about leaving back doors open, or orchestrating plans to get them back. The relationship is gone to a place it can never come back from, and you have to grieve it out.

 

Whether your ex comes back or not, it's like the weather, we can talk about it all day long but we can't change what's going to happen. The best thing we can do is be prepared and dress accordingly. If it rains, I'll have an umbrella. If she comes back, I'll be a better man. If neither of those things happen, I still have go on with day, and make the most of it!!!

[diarmuidz]

Brilliant post, thank you!

 

I'm quite interested in psychology anyway and a lot of what you have written makes a lot of sense in mine / the ex's situation. One thing I still don't understand as the dumpee is why he was trying to be my friend and catch up every 2 weeks after the break-up. I've knocked that on the head now though, it was hurting me too much to hang out with him and not go home with him afterwards!

 

Good for you! I'm glad you took a stand against a situation that wasn't bringing you happiness. Here's why the dumpers keep in touch, it may be any or a combination of the following

 

1 - To allay their guilt at having hurt you (Translation: I'm sorry I hurt you by leaving, but you get the pleasure of hanging out with me, so that makes it better)

2 - To stay friends (Translation: You weren't good enough to be my significant other, but I'll have you for a platonic friend)

3 - To keep you attached while exploring other options (Translation: I want to see what else is out there for me, but I want you to stay here in one spot waiting for me in case I don't find someone better.)

4 - To benefit from your generosity/caring (Translation: I am a human parasite. I don't love you, but please give me food, money, clothes, rides, attention)

5 - Physical contact (Translation: I don't love you, but let's have sex whenever I want, okay?)

6 - You're well connected (Translation: Can you introduce me to your hot single friends? Can you ask your cousin to give a job? etc etc..)

 

7 - They still love you and are unsure of their decision..... (translation: maybe I made a mistake leaving you, but I'm too proud/scared to admit it)

 

There may be other reasons, but 1-6 come to mind most easily - and they should all be instant turn offs and make you want to run in the other direction.

If it's truly number 7, there might be hope, but you have to disappear. You tried to fix things and it didn't work, so leave and no more "hanging out"... if they come back apologetic and remorseful, you can take it from there if you choose.

[arish]

diarmuidz

 

thank you for the advice that you gave me. I will try and do what you said. I can't bear being like this anymore. This is not my first time being dumped but guess when you love someone to death , this is how it feels to be empty and lost without them.

[arish]

This is one good way to put it and a very good example of all the stages!

[diarmuidz]

diarmuidz

 

thank you for the advice that you gave me. I will try and do what you said. I can't bear being like this anymore. This is not my first time being dumped but guess when you love someone to death , this is how it feels to be empty and lost without them.

 

Arish man, I hear you.... we're all in the same boat... you may feel like you're alone right now, but there are MILLIONS of people going through similarly painful relationship troubles. That's life - sometimes it really sucks, but it gets better too. My fiancee left me, and we've been NC for 5 months - I still miss her like crazy, but I can't do anything about it. There are times in the day I feel lost and empty... when I see other couples out and about, kissing in public, I remember the times me and my ex used to do things like that. When I hear about my friends getting married, or having kids, it gets to me... when I think that maybe my ex probably has replaced me with someone smarter, stronger, richer, funnier and better looking, it gets to me.. but you gotta pick your self up. Be your own superhero. Save yourself from this disaster, and put it behind you as much as you can.

 

If you want some more motivation, look at it this way. If you ex came back into your life today, and saw how you are now (depressed, staying in bed, etc), do you think she'd jump back in your arms? Probably not.... but if she came back and saw you out and about, making plans, seeing friends, enjoying life, I guarantee she would want to be a part of that party. Live your life like it's the most exciting and exclusive party in the world, and then watch your ex beg for an invitation....

Hey! it may never happen, but your chances are a million times better than if you sit and home and wallow in despair.

[northpickle]

Thank you so much for this. In my situation I believe he was:

 

1 - To allay their guilt at having hurt you (Translation: I'm sorry I hurt you by leaving, but you get the pleasure of hanging out with me, so that makes it better)

2 - To stay friends (Translation: You weren't good enough to be my significant other, but I'll have you for a platonic friend)

 

doing it for these reasons. However, I thought he was doing it for this reason:

 

7 - They still love you and are unsure of their decision..... (translation: maybe I made a mistake leaving you, but I'm too proud/scared to admit it)

 

and hanging around waiting to see whether he would change his mind wasn't working for me, and last time I saw him he said he didn't want to get back together at the moment anyway. So yes, sad as it is, I have to disappear again.

[Jim Wormold]

... we're all in the same boat...

 

If you want some more motivation, look at it this way. If you ex came back into your life today, and saw how you are now (depressed, staying in bed, etc), do you think she'd jump back in your arms? Probably not.... but if she came back and saw you out and about, making plans, seeing friends, enjoying life, I guarantee she would want to be a part of that party. Live your life like it's the most exciting and exclusive party in the world, and then watch your ex beg for an invitation....

Hey! it may never happen, but your chances are a million times better than if you sit and home and wallow in despair.

 

I realise this was meant for arish but I desperately needed to read this kind of message today.

 

Thank you.

[jfLip]

Great posts diarmuidz! I'm on week 7 of NC and I'm doing well. I know I'm happier and making great progress on myself, but I stopped using Facebook all together and haven't been talking to my ex's mutual friends. Two weeks ago my ex became extremely curious and came to the same bar I was at despite being told by my friend TWICE not to come. From our encounter, she saw I lost weight, had a smile on my face, etc. As far as that, she's totally in the dark in regards to knowing how I'm doing. I don't want to do anything out of spite or jealousy, but how do I show that I'm doing well? Should I even publicly show it? I know inside I'm getting better and better and my mindset right now is that I don't need to prove anything to anyone besides myself. If I'm happy, I'm happy...

[diarmuidz]

It's good you're making progress, focusing on areas you think you should improve and then going about it. Especially the weight loss thing - it really looks good when someone drops a few pounds. (personally speaking, I've always been a little heavy set - maybe 30 pounds overweight... and everytime I lost some weight, I would get attention like you wouldn't believe! so I do know the power of toning up and how it changes your life).

 

I'd say to you jflip, stay the course.. keep improving. You might have made progress, but I'm sure you still can improve, in ways you may not even consider yet. As for your ex, I'd say that if she's curious enough, let her seek you out and find out about your amazing life. Otherwise, just keep on making it better and better. I do believe that if you try to "show" her how far you've come, she might be momentarily impressed, but deep down she'll realize you're still approval-seeking and then all your improvements will have less significance for her.

 

Keep getting better, and let her make attempts to find out about your life.... don't try to show a better you... BE a better you, wherever you are and whoever you're with. She'll learn eventually, and it'll be way more authentic and organic that way.

 

BTW.... 7 weeks NC doesn't seem like a long enough time for the dumpee to "move on" from the dumper.... even if you have truly moved on, because it's been so recent, your ex may doubt it no matter how much you demonstrate it.

[roadrunner12]

Excellent post Diarmuidz, It helps to get a different perspective on what the dumper is thinking as compared to the dumpees mindset.

 

Best course of action as it has been said half a gazillion times is NC to get yourself back and move on. I myself am coming close to a year since I broke up with my ex and I am definitely a different person now than I was immediately following the breakup. I have no intentions of breaking NC anytime soon.