diarmuidz Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I'm gonna take a study break and write a quick post - something that just intuitively makes sense to me. I want to suggest a thought experiment for all the dumpees out there, like myself, who are languishing in loneliness and pain. It may help you with that paradigm change and ultimately help you shift your mind set. Now I know that everyone here has their unique story, their special set of circumstances, and unique personalities - but just keep it general and non specific. So stop looking at a situation from the point of view of dumpee... and step into the shoes of the dumper! Imagine, hypothetically, that you are in a relationship with someone. At first you were smitten, and happy, but over time you slowly fell out of love with your partner. Perhaps they seemed less attractive to you, perhaps there were some irreconcilable differences, perhaps there might have been totally unrelated issues (job/school stress, money, family, etc) that somehow spilled into your personal life. You may not want to blame them completely, because perhaps you too were responsible in letting the relationship sour. But for whatever reason, be it their fault , or yours, or both.... you starting seeing your partner in a negative light. Suddenly, everything they did was viewed through the filter of pessimism. You found them annoying, intolerable, obnoxious, needy, clingy. In reality, they may not be any of those things, but that's how you started seeing them, and perception becomes reality. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they would speak and act in a way that reinforced how you felt, whereas before those exact same actions would have seemed endearing and charming to you. You found you weren't happy with the relationship, where it was going, and you felt stifled, panicked and suffocated. You wanted OUT! But of course, you still care for your partner, you didn't want to hurt them, but it's inevitable. You had these negative impressions weighing on you, and you decide to end it. When you finally break the news, your ex is devastated, and begs you to stay. Tries to reason with you, makes appeals to your heart, and eventually cries. Doesn't your ex get it?! You're not happy! You want out of the relationship. Now you're even more annoyed with your ex, and eager to end it quickly. There may or may not be "someone else" you have in mind, but you just know that your ex is proving to be unfit to continue in this relationship. You just want to end it and get away. Now that you're free again, and you're feeling relieved and unburdened, the last thing you want is you ex trying to "make things right". As far as you're concerned, things are "right" right now! You see through their "casual" emails/txts as pathetic veiled attempts to reinsert themselves into your life. Your ex doesn't seem hot or attractive or interesting or desirable anymore.... they're just trying to keep you in their lives and that smacks of desperation and neediness. You try to break away and they hold on tighter... you feel more confident in your choice now. You know you did the right thing, and as much as you don't want your ex to suffer, you actually realize it's their problem and not yours. You want to get on with your life - without them! If they finally get the hint and leave you alone, you couldn't be happier. Good riddance you think! You go on with your life, and every once in a while, you may think back to your ex, and remember them as the same needy desperate loser you tried to leave behind. Maybe if you truly loved your ex, you may wonder how they're doing, hope they're doing well, but you definitely don't want them back. Maybe they might break NC to reach out to you, and you know they're still holding a candle for you, leaving the porchlight on. No thanks, you think, not walking into THAT trap again. Eventually you'll find someone else, and you'll happily ever after, probably never thinking about your ex again. But what if, one day, you can't help it and reach out to your ex? What if you happen to bump into them on the street, at a party, on campus, etc... And to your surprise, you find a totally new person. Not that sad depressed shell of a human you walked away from, but a vibrant, happy, confident, charming person. Your ex isnt' pursuing you anymore - because your ex knows there are plenty of other options. You realize your ex is not the same person anymore - maybe got into better shape, is doing fun/adventurous things, is successful, is making money, is developing as an individual in every aspect of their lives. When you add all the new qualities to the fact that there used to be a loving relationship between the two of you, you suddenly find yourself falling for your ex all over again. Something about the new ex makes you want to try again. Maybe they'll take you back - maybe they won't... but you know you'd be willing to give it another shot. My friends, when you look at it from the dumpers point of view - it becomes simple human psychology. Some people stick around after relationships sour, other people move on. Don't be stagnant - grow, learn, be a new person, be successful, responsible, happy, in control of your situation, your emotions, and your life. There is NOTHING you can do to bring the ex back, NOTHING you can say will make it happen. If you want your ex back (and I feel most of us here do), then it is only possible by improving who you are, in nuanced and subtle ways. Leave your ex alone, and work on the relationship you have with yourself. Love yourself, elevate yourself, put yourself on the pedestal that you had for your ex, and every waking second live up to the image of the best version of you. Tap your potential, step out of your comfort zone, and be amazing. Your ex may indeed never come back, but do what I say, and guaranteed you WILL have many other options available. Good luck to all of you. Link to comment
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