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Thinking about over-dosing today


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I have been thinking very seriously about ending my life for quite a while now. I'm thinking about doing it today. All of my problems would go away. Some might say my problems are temporary but they're not. I've had many of the same problems for quite a while now. I struggle with bipolar disorder and have tried meds and therapy, yada, yada, yada. My last therapist told me that she didn't see any problems with my life and she didn't know why I was there, so I quit going. I got laid off from my job in the biotech field 14 months ago and I've had one interview since then. I was living in a very conservative city, but after getting laid off I had to move out of my own apt. and move back home with family in a small town in a very conservative area because I couldn't afford where I was living with no job. I have a graduate degree and I went back for more education to finish a double BS in biotech and biology, and I was pursuing this when I was laid off. I'm about 2 semesters away from finishing. But, I've had a lot of problems with professors these last 2 years, harassing me in their courses, getting students to harass me in their courses, problems with them knowing personal things about me that I never told anyone at my school, my assignments suddenly disappearing after I turn them in. I'm also a lesbian and even though I haven't dated anyone in 5 years, it seems the status of my sexuality has come out as I've been experiencing a lot of harassment at the restaurant where I've been working as a server these last 7 months. I'm only out to a few family and friends and I've experienced a lot of rejection and lost a lot of friends after coming out. My family hasn't been supportive about it either. My mom acts like she's afraid to touch me or hug me any more and she always says, "I don't know why you would choose to be gay? Why can't you just find a nice man to be with?" The thought of being with a man is repulsive to me. After I came out, my mom called my grandma and aunt to tell them the news and then they told other family members. Everyone treats me differently now and I can hear them snickering about it at family get-togethers.


I don't have anyone I can talk to about the way I feel or what's going on my life which is why I'm here. I have so much anger and hate and pain that I just can't deal with it any more. I don't want someone who hasn't struggled in this economy to tell me everything is going to be okay and everything is going to work out. Sometimes I don't have enough money to pay my phone bill so I have to pay late. I'm going to have to file for bankruptcy. I have no 401K, retirement, or medical or dental benefits or access to any care. I know I'm not the only one with financial problems, but coupled with my personal problems, my life is ruined and I don't think it will ever get any better. I don't think what I do or who I am in life matters.


I have two bottles of Soma, which is a type of muscle relaxant. I have alcohol. And I have anti-anxiety meds and ~25 prescription sleeping pills. I was thinking about over-dosing today. I live alone so it would be a few days before anyone knew I wasn't around. If I do it, I don't want to be rescued. I want to make sure it's a done deal.

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Maybe people who are depressed and suicidal find a way out of their hole sometimes. But, that's not my only problem. I'm gay and I've experienced so much rejection in my life. I have serious financial problems that never go away and never get better. My life is really, really horrible in every aspect so I don't see myself being able to crawl out of any hole unless any of these things get better and they never do.

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