Unsupportive mother

[Allyo]

I feel like my mom doesn’t support me. Ever since I was little I have always been somewhat of a dreamer. I often have had creative or off the wall ideas and interests, and I feel like my mother has always been so negative towards all of them. She has never been actively encouraging. I even feel resentful sometimes because she discouraged me from doing things that I genuinely enjoyed when I was younger. I never have felt comfortable enough to talk to her about any intimate details of my life or problems with school, boyfriends, life, etc. I am always so worried about her being judgmental or negative.

 

Now the most ironic part is that my parents have economically supported me despite the fact that they haven’t supported me emotionally. It was always very important for my father to help me out with college, and he even bought me a new car when I was 16! And of course I recognize certain sacrifices my mom has made for me over the years, like how she was a stay-at-home mom when I was younger.

 

Now I have become more established and independent, but I still feel like my mom isn’t ever happy for me when I talk to her about one of my new ideas, hobbies, friends, or anything work related. I often have tried to talk to her about more personal stuff to try to establish a more intimate relationship, but I always feel like I am getting shot down or like she is doubting/over-analyzing everything I say.

 

I recently brought a good friend with me to my parent’s house during summer vacation. She stayed with me at my parent’s house for about a week, and then she went to stay for another week with her cousins that live close by. I found myself being really bothered by the way my mom acted. She was SO SWEET to my friend. She kept asking her if she needed anything, if she needed to borrow a car... She kept offering her food and wanted to cook for her all the time. And of course my friend thought – WOW your mom is so sweet! But I almost found myself feeling jealous since my mom has never been like that towards me, even when I visit after having not been home for a long time. Yet it also got me thinking that well, maybe my mom isn’t so bad after all, and that maybe we have just gotten used to a certain way of interacting with each other…

 

So I am sure that there are people with WAY worse family problems than this. But I have found this situation quite frustrating and at times I feel like I am faced with the difficult decision of either limiting contact with my mother or going about communication with her an entirely different way. I really don’t know what to do!

[meoww]

She's a grown woman--with the same ability to feel that you have. If she hasn't chosen to exercise it by now, then she might just be kind of an unkind and distant person. At this point, I think it's fair for you to move on with your life. Of course, you might try to communicate with her before limiting contact. I suggest doing this with a therapist, because a third party can actually verify if she's not willing to work things out with you. Make sure you think it through carefully before any kind of heart to heart.