Whill he ever marry me???

[Twink]

Hello all. I am ashamed even asking this, as i feel it is somewhat pathetic that i am relying on a man to fulfill me, but here goes..

 

I am 24 years old and I have been with my bf (24) for 4 years and we have lived together for 3 1/2 years. After living together for almost a year he proposed to me. I said yes and for a month and a half we were engaged.

After that, his parents began to fight with me and him about it. they even refused to come at one point. It got intense and I moved out.

 

We got back together a week later and decided not to talk about the marriage again.... Well that was 2 and1/2 years ago and he still says that he isn't ready. The fights with his family were bad. they did not like me and told him so. I tried very hard to get them to like me...homeade bday cakes, homemade presents etc... It peaked and now they appear to like me or at least tolerate me.

As a couple we are very happy, but when a wedding is on t.v or a friend gets married(as is happening more) he freaks out still! He doesn't even want to associate with friends that are married now!

I know he feels really bad about hurting me and I also know he really cares for me. I just feel like I have been demoted. I have told him my feelings, but it gets us no where. as long as a wedding isn't brought up we r ok. I love him and I want to get married like we originally planned.

 

Will he ever ask me again???? Please help!!!

 

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

This is always a tough question.

 

A few things you need to sort out.

 

Was it's his family's pressure which caused him to be so reluctant to marry you? Now he seems to "freak out." Why is that? Many children are stuborn, if he really wanted to marry you, I would THINK that he would say, "forget you Mom and Dad, I'm marrying her." What reasons did mom/dad give?

 

Realize that if it's not them, then it really is his problem all along. No one will really be able to tell becasue we don't know either of you. Does he have issues of commitment? There are many men that are "forced" into marriage, and there are many commitment phobes out there.

 

Ask yourself how much longer you are willing to wait before you have a ring on your finger. Love him to death, don't bring it up, let him realize that marriage should be great for both of you. What if it takes him another 4 years to decide? You've heard of couples that have been together for 8 years right?

 

Now if he is willing to wait that long, he is actually a good guy that's a little scared for some reason. How were his past relationships? How often does he say/show he loves you? Have you two ever broke up before? Does he have problems making major purchases? How are his relationships with his parents? He may be a serial comittmentphobe. Check out the book "Men who can't love" and try not to read into it. See if he fits the bill.

 

 

You should set a mental time limit, that if he doesn't propose in a year then you're going to take more aciton. I think if you've been with someone for 4 years he should know by now. But then again, 24 is young. What reasons does he give why he doesn't want to get married? Be aware that a breakup may be the best thing to happen to him. A shock on his system to put a mirror in front of him and realize what he really wants. But if you do this you better be prepared to lose him forever.

 

Good luck on this.

[shes2smart]

If you are ready to get married and he isn't, you really have only 2 options:

 

1. Wait around until he is ready...could be days, weeks, months, years or never.

 

2. Break up so you will be available to find someone who has the same relationship goals as you.

 

I found myself in that situation 4 years ago. At 36-37, I was ready to make that commitment and build a life with someone. I had been living with my bf at the time for about a year, had been in the relationship for about a year and a half. He wouldn't hear of it. After another few months of "working" on the relationship, I realized there was nothing I could do to change his mind, and I left.

 

3 months later, I met the man I ended up marrying. Leaving Mr. Commitment-Phobic was the best thing I did.

 

You cannot push your bf to make that commitment. If he goes along just to "shut you up," or "keep the peace" you will both end up regretting it.

 

When I was in that situation, here's what I did: I wrote a very simple, heartfelt letter to my ex-bf explaining that I was ready to build a life with someone within the context of a marriage, and I really wanted it to be him. If he did not see our relationship going that way, he needed to let me know so that I could figure out what I needed to do.

 

It was really hard to put myself in that position --- "Here....here's everything that I am, do you want to build a life with me?" and then hear that the answer was no. I was devastated, but at least I knew the truth....and that made it easier to figure out what to do next.

 

I always kinda thought meeting my husband 3 months later was a kind of reward for having the spine to get up and leave when I knew the ex and I were not going in the same direction. I left a very financially comfortable life, it wasn't the life I wanted...but I know a lot of women would've chosen to stay there and wait it out because he'd make it very comfortable to do so (i.e. nice house, lots of travel, lots of toys, basically any material thing I wanted).

 

The darkest hour is just before the dawn.

 

best of luck to you,

~s2s

[AwsomeDude]

it needs two to happen !

so we have to work on it both of u ! same much !

[YNP8112]

Why would his parents be so mad about him getting married. Most parents WANT their children to get married...

[AwsomeDude]

mach5pa

i think they're problem is the choice not the idea !

[Twink]

Thanks for all your concern. I believe his parents didn't want him to marry me because they felt like they were loosing him. When I met him, he had never brought home a girl, nor had really had a gf. Before me he was secretive with girls, and was sort of a player. He was close with his parents when he was young, but before me their relationship went south, so it was easy to blame it on me. They believe that I am bad for him, and he has stood up for me. I hated seeing the fights, but they were necessary. He told them that he loves me and they do not know me.

I know his commitment is high.

 

Still he does not want to marry cuz of the stress from last time. He doesn't want to go through that again. i have reassured him that no one will fight (as the relationship w parents is getting better), but it does not work.

 

Maybe he is scared because I was his only really gf and main sexual partner. He had only had sex once before me.

 

What hurts is that I have to look at this awesome engagement ring in my jewlery box that i cannot wear!! The two year insurance even expired!

 

How long should a person wait???

 

Thanks to everyone

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

How long do YOU think you should wait?

 

It doesn't sound like you are too sure that it was necessarily his parents, sounds like you're wondering if he wants to live outside of a relationship.

 

Why does he say he doesn't want to get married right now?

 

But your plan of action should be, "I am not going to wait forever, because there are many people who breakup because the man won't commit which is tantamount to a woman falling out of love

 

link removed

 

So you need to check out that book, "Men who can't love" and see if he really is a commitmentphobe at heart. Then pick how long you think you can wait. Give a big portion of time of being the best girlfriend you can be before the deadline. Then if he doesn't come around, break up with him. The fact that you were so nice to him will make him realize you were the best thing that happened to her. But you need to make sure that it really is because of this reason. After enough time he'll be beging to propose to you.

 

He might just have to hit rock bottom.

 

Take it from someone who hit rock bottom. My ex went back to her ex. For thte last 13 months I have been in hell. But during which I have realzied a love that few men will ever show their women (at least I think). I've read books on sex, being more romantic, relationships (the mars/venus one), 10000 ways to say I love you, I've gained 10 lbs of muscle, ive traveled to Costa Rica, jumpped out of a plane twice, and volunteer extensively. I hit rockbottom. I changed completely. She is with him now. So it's sorta funny. She will never really see how much I've changed (even when I wasn't that bad before) because 4.5 months of dating cant compete with 4 years of knowing her ex (and 1 year of dating and 2 breakups). I can't compete with that, but a nice benefit of all this is that I am primmed. I am proably closer to bing that "alpha male" than most. 13 months of psychological tramua can do wonders to someone.

 

So I say to you, you MAY have to breakup. It can be an amazing experience for him to realize his true feelings, because as Gabran once said, "Love knows not it's own depth until the hour of seperation."

 

I hope it works out for you two.

[AwsomeDude]

as i said it only needs two ! cant be less but still no need for more !

reading my mind ?

if u both think u r the right choice for each then just go for it !

good luck