He treats the break-up like it's a Joke.

[sayer7]

My bf broke NC with an email today. It's been almost 2 weeks of NC and things have been pretty good and I've been moving on and healing slowly. I'm confused with his email today... I'll post some of his statements that confuse me:

 

1. "I have thought about our relationship a ton since I went to florida. I

could have not met a better person to spend my life with.... I came back from florida knowing I was going to have to do things differently and change some things so you wouldn't feel some of the ways you

were feeling."

 

2. "You say you felt taken for granted and unimportant. I understand that you did. But I don't see how my trying to involve you in every aspect of my life achieved this result.... I thought I could work things out with us gradually where our [issues] wouldn't have to be discussed. Like I said, that is my fault and I didn't go about it right."

 

3. "And for someone who told me they always wanted to be with me....well, if that was the case then we should be worth fighting for. I'm willing to do it if you would let me, but you won't."

 

I'm not replying to his email, but I'm so flabbergasted I have to say something so I'm posting them here.

 

For Quote 1. My response is: Basically he replaced me on OUR vacation to Florida and didn't tell me until the day before we were going to leave... and blames me for breaking up with him before he got the chance to begin to work things out when HE decided it was time when he got back from Florida. My question is: Why does EVERYTHING have to work on his time schedule? What about me and MY time schedule?

 

For Quote 2: He doesn't seem to understand that it's not the fact that he DID involve me in every aspect of his life, it was his attitude towards me, what he said to me, and how he behaved while we were together doing all those things that made me feel taken for granted and unimportant. Like when you go to a restaurant with someone, you don't expect them to make a huge public scene about the presentation of the food, and then when you tell them to stop because it's ruining the date they shout at you "Don't tell me what to do! I can be angry whenever I feel like it" (with a whole bunch of curse words intermixed). It happened so often I started hating going out to dinner with him and started refusing to go unless our other friends went too to buffer things.

 

As for what I underlined: How do you work issues out without first seriously discussing them and identifying them?

 

3. For 2 years, my issues about the relationship were pushed under the rug whenever I put them on the table to be discussed, and whenever we spent time together he would treat me and do things like he didn't care about me or how I felt about it, be angry with the world and everything and everybody who lived in it, and he STILL wonders why I'm not fighting for the relationship? I don't get it? Can't he see I gave up and I don't see him as being worth my time anymore? Why would I want to deal with that kind of person for the rest of my life- someone who outright tells you "If you don't like it, dump me, cause I'm never going to change."

 

So my questions to you are: Am I totally nuts and truly doing something wrong by giving up on something that he seemed so ready not to be a serious participant in while we were together? Why would he email me now saying these things when I'm not open to reconciliation? Is it just a guilt trip to try to angle for more control over me or is he just trying to heal? The things he said that confused me I want to contest, but I'm choosing to maintain NC with him at whatever costs. Do you guys agree with my choice of action?

[andylokster01]

Hello well i have to day one thing that i just went through a very close to the same situation. This is how i feel, if he really loves you he would not only be thinking of doing things on his time frame but he would want to from inside his heart, do things together on both of your time frames. I also think it sounds like he was into control and the email seems like a continuation of that control now that he has no one to try to control. Love is very special it changes someone inside. It creates a desire to be with that person and share your life completely with them, you almost live daily for them, you seek them to be happy and thats what makes you happy. This is real love, i know because i have a real heart. Ive done the things that i described as true love, however for a relationship to work it must be mutual love. I think you made a good decison, its hard especially if you were in love, i know because i still am with my ex and trying to get over it. take care of yourself and guard your heart.

[Scout]

No, you're not nuts, but I think your ex borderline is. Well, not nuts, but he has a pretty unhealthy character problem: extreme self-centeredness. Everything comes back to him - how he feels, what's convenient for him, what he wants to do.

 

Unfortunately, this is a character problem that can't be changed until the person who has it SEES that he/she has it, and starts doing the necessary work on the issue.

 

In a relationship with an extremely self-centered person, you will rarely get your own needs met. I can guarantee that.

[Mun]

Sayer, guess what? I think your boyfriend is completely surprised that you would stick up for yourself. He has lost control and he doesn't know what to do with himself now.

 

He is still trying his best to manipulate you, do you see it? Now he wants to make you feel as if you are the one who is not working hard enough to keep it together--when all he did all along was to push you aside.

 

Everything you wanted in the relationship and everything you ask for now is valid. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated well and to be considered a priority in someone's life. You're boyfried messed up.

 

I honestly don't think he is being sincere and speaking from the heart--at least not yet --if ever. He is simply throwing a tantrum because he lost his favorite toy.

 

Pardon me if this is painful. I know what you are going through. I have been in a similar situation and got to the point where I told myself " ok I am no longer going to be the entertainment, I deserve more than this." You deserve more as well. Keep doing what you are doing. Remember you show with your actions that you respect yourself and you won't tolerate disrespect from others.

 

(One of the things I take notice of when I date someone is how they treat the waiter/waitress. It usually resembles how they will treat you. There is nothing backward about being friendly and courteous--we can complain about a meal without being rude and offensive. Keep it in mind for next time.)

 

You are really coming along. I hope this is not a setback for you. Hang in there and be good to yourself Sayer.

[auburnslp]

OK...the women have chimed in...now it's time for a male perspective...

 

I am going going to be direct and honest in my opinions, it is my only way...

 

Here's my take...your ex bf is a jerk. Making a scene in a restaurant, cursing at you, yelling, over the presentation of food? Here's something that struck me...you mentioned that you would bring friends along often to buffer things...I have to say, I am surprised you guys had friends that would want to hang out with you, deal with that crap...not you, but with him. He sounds like a complete a**.

 

Now, as far as his email...the ladies read a whole lot of stuff into it...I agree with some, not all. Here's my take...

 

He lost you due to his boorish behavior. Went to FLA without you, took you for granted one time too many. He came back, had some time to think about it all...and my guess is that he maybe realized that you were the only girl sweet enough in his life that he has found that was willing at one point to put up with his kind of crap. And so he is slightly desperate to try to get you back, so he can act like an a** forever and not have someone trying to change him or tell him he is being an a**. You. Deep down he knows many women would never put up with that long term. So he wants you back. I don't think he is trying to control here...I think he has gotten a rare insightful glimpse over what he gave up.

 

And for you sweet-you are obviously very intelligent...very kind and patient...and I can tell you what you already know...you deserve far better, far better...so to answer your question over whether we think you are doing the right thing? YES!!!!!! Let this one go completely, cut the line, throw him back...sorry for a fishing analogy, but this time around, you caught a carp...yuck...throw him back and only look at this as a waste of a good worm, i.e. the time and effort you spent on that relationship.

 

I know it is still hard, but you seem to be doing pretty good, moving on, with strength and determination. Just know you are doing the right thing, and that time will so prove to you just that, and you will be so rewarded with a man with a heart and one who will love and adore you until the end of your days...

 

Good luck sweet...and I will end with a note of caution...sorry, I may be way of base here, but psychologically speaking, this is the type of guy that might end up in a stalking type attempt at winning you back...he is I am sure very controlling while in a relationship, he most definitely has anger issues, is obviously self-centered almost verging on the sociopath profile...just be wary and unemotional but direct. I can tell you from what you wrote that no one in the world will change this guy and his problems...he has a long, tough road/journey through life ahead of him...he fits the profile of a guy who will only be able to find a girl to stay with him who is a complete doormat, let's him do whatever he pleases...and he won't be happy with that long-term...I feel sorry for the guy...but stay away! Forever.

 

Sorry to be so strong about this all...just my opinions, and I have been wrong before...be well, be strong...Michael

[Scout]

Deep down he knows many women would never put up with that long term. So he wants you back.

 

Amen to that, brother. Michael, your opinion is right on.

[sayer7]

Thanks guys for your knowledge and support. I thought it might turn into a set back but the more I thought about it the more angry I got...and I actually drove home to write an email to tell him exactly what I thought about his statements. But the gate to my apartment complex wouldn't work so I had to go into the rental office of my apartment complex to get a new key to open the gate.

 

They had a quote in its own frame in the office lounge and I read it as the leasing agent reprogrammed my gate key. It said:

 

"Attitude is everything. Everything you experience is 10% what happened and 90% how you react to it- and you can choose how you react. You can't change the people's behavior, or what happened. But once you understand you have power over your reactions, then you become more powerful than you ever imagined."

 

And so, what I had driven all the way home to do, I didn't. I wasn't angry anymore, I was actually happy. I drove all the way back to work and had an excellent day from then on.

 

If you believe in angels, I believe mine was looking out for me today-- by not letting the gate open and making me go into the rental office to get a new key so that I could read that quote.

 

Thanks again for all your support today for all of you who read and all of you who replied and helped me! I truly appreciate it.

[Scout]

Wow - it sounds like you are going to be one of the small percentage of people that actually realizes they are better off without the ex.

[CarterJonas]

Excellent quote Sayer

 

"Attitude is everything. Everything you experience is 10% what happened and 90% how you react to it- and you can choose how you react. You can't change the people's behavior, or what happened. But once you understand you have power over your reactions, then you become more powerful than you ever imagined."

[Mun]

That quote is right on the money.

 

I'm glad to see that you are doing so well Sayer, I think you are going to be just fine.