help from a female perspective would be appreciated

[awake]

My wife and i recently came back from the brink... we had both agreed to separate, and the, through much work on ourselves and a great therapist, decided to make a go of it.

It's been a couple months now, and some things are great.

We have worked out many of our problems, and have become friends and (occasionally) lovers again. I have been doing a lot of work on my own stuff, and recognize that, even if I were to be without her, I'd be ok. We have learned how to talk to one another.

Or so I thought.

Here's the dilemma:

We recently moved to another state.. I left my professional practice of 30 years, and we are both currently unemployed while waiting for our new business to start.

During the day, we spend a lot of time together. laugh, go places together, and participate in many fun activities.

Problem is, there is no show of affection from her. During the day, I will walk by her, reach out to her, and hug her, and occasionally give her a kiss. There is minimal response from her, and she NEVER initiates.

In bed at night, same thing... if I don't lean over and giv her a kiss and hug, there is none.

Last night in bed, after I reached over to hold her I mentioned to her that I felt unwanted and unappreciated and that I feel this marriage seems like a one way street to me. That all I wanted was an occasional show of affection/appreciaton from her.

She told me that my problem was that I had left my practice, and no longer had the constant adulation of my patients, and that i was looking to her to fill the gaps, and that we see each other all day long and there is a lot of hugging and kissing, and that she felt that she couldn't please me no matter what she did. With that, she got out of bed and went downstairs and turned onthe tv. About a half hour later, I went downstairs to get a drink of water and found her there. When I asked her what was up, she simply said she felt restless and couldn't sleep.

When I woke up this morning, she was sleeping in the guest room.

 

We had a pretty active sex life even before our brief separation, so that wan't a problem then as now. Not that i want sex all the time. I love to cuddle with her and such, and she seems to enjoy it also.

SO, jsut a good night kiss, initiated by her, one of our good old passionate kisses during the day... anything to let me know that I matter to her, but basically get nothing but distance.

It feels like something else is going on here.. either something she's not telling me, or something I'm missing. She says she loves me and that she is committed to the marriage. She says ther is no one else, and the therapist has made us both promise to remain monogamous, so I don't think there is someone else in the mix here.

How do I get to the bottom of this? How do I express my needs and wants without being chastised for doing so? How do I find out what is truly going on here?

I have given her lots of free space to 'find herself' and do not hover over her during the day.. sometimes she goes off by herself to do stuff and so do I.

Help please.

[evepm]

Dear awake:

 

I hope that you are still seeing a therapist together because obviously there are still some problems to work out.

 

You wife maybe correct about you looking to her for the adulation that you once received from your patients. That is something that you need to (pardon the pun) examine on your own. But you also have valid feelings about her lack of affection.

 

I truly believe that there are more issues to look into within the marriage and this should be done within the confines of a therapist's office. If you are still going to therapy or decide to return, keep discussions of issues at the therapist's office so that you have an unbiased person to mediate. I hope that I have helped and I wish the best of luck to you.

 

Take Care,

Eve

[awake]

I have thought about this a lot, and I know I am not looking to her for adulation..Have discussed this a lot with therapist both individually and together. Maybe this is all she can give right now.

All I am hoping for is some little signs from her that I am wanted and loved.

Period.

And the idea of dicussing things only in front fo the therapist makes sense, but sometimes i just get frustrated and have to get my feelings out between sessions.

[evepm]

One idea to get your feelings out in between sessions is to right in a journal. It serves several purposes. It can be very cathartic for you to get those feelings out on paper and it can also remind you of specific things to discuss during your therapy sessions.

[awake]

been journaling for months now.. and you're right, it helps get feelings out, and keeps me on topic in therapy sessions.

And sometimes I feel like I just gotta let it out and stand up for myself.. They are my feelinngs.. not right or wrong, just my feelings.

[OceanEyes]

Hi Awake,

 

I have one theory, but by the sounds of it, it's probably not the case. However, I'll give it a shot.

 

It doesn't sound like your wife is messing around on you. You've obviously taken this into account and thought about it as a possible explanation for her continued distance.

 

Have you always been very affectionate and paid extra attention to her? I ask because if this is a more recent advance that you're making towards her, she may be subconsciously resenting that. Resenting the fact that you haven't been this affectionate for the whole of your marriage, and that the minute that you are not getting constant validation from your patients, that you're seeking it from her. So she might feel like you're expecting her to receive affection that you never gave her before. I'm sure you've always been affectionate, but if it has increased a lot, she's obviously going to notice it and think, "Why hasn't he always been like this? Am I all of a sudden supposed to become #1 just because he's not feeling like he's getting enough love and attention elsewhere?".

 

She may, at this point, just be resisting or not initiating affectionate gestures because she's not used to it. And if you've never said anything about it in the past, she's automatically going to associate your new need with the fact that you're not receiving constant adoration and respect from your patients.

 

Let me ask you this: when you were still working, how were you with her when you would come home from a long day? And be honest. Were you the type to either go to bed or lay in front of the t.v.? Did you submerse yourself in paperwork or find some other way to wind down? Basically what I'm asking is if you were distant yourself when you were working.

 

Sometimes my boyfriend will go two weeks or more doing almost nothing but working, going to class, and studying. Even when he is home, I sometimes find myself out on the couch watching t.v. while he's parked in front of the computer studying for hours on end. He's tired all the time, and is frequently moody and sometimes very distant. When he does have some extra time to spend with me, just the two of us, I will sometimes resist and feel like pushing him away. Then he gets angry and is confused as to why I am not overjoyed about our 2 free hours together.

 

My view is that I deal with him having almost no time for me, dealing with his mood swings and isolation for weeks on end, then when he asks me, "what do you want to do", and I can't answer it in 2 seconds, he's aggravated. I understand the goals he has and have always supported them, but sometimes I resent the fact that I am supposed to receive him with open arms, every time he can take a break from his own life. Sometimes it's nice to have someone work around you for a change.

 

I gave you this example because I think it could apply to your situation. While I agree that couples - especially married couples - should be there for one another and be supportive, it's always a good idea to try and put yourself into their shoes, if only for a minute. If you've always been kind of a workaholic and have never had much free time for her, just for her, then she may be resisting your affection now because she's tired of being the person you seek refuge in whenever you are not getting enough of it from outside sources.

[awake]

I have been away from my practice for two years now, so that is not a problem. We did have some major problems with her 19yr old son when he moved into our house.. it went badly between he and I and I think she may still harbor some resentment from that. I have made my amends with the kid and he and I are ok with each other now.

For a long time, our sex life was fabulous.. 3-4 x a week is not bad for a couple of over 50's.

Don;t want constant validation.. just want to feel loved and special to her.

if you go to my oritginal posts on this situation ( link removed )

you may get some more informatve background.

And no, I didnt come home grouchy or glue myself to the tv or computer.

Just seems like if you say you love someone, you would (especially if you have done so in the past) show affection.

[Francis]

It seems that the separation had a major emotional impact on your wife for whatever reason and she is withdrawn now. If you really love her, probably with some counselling and a lot of patience, she will get over the shock.