awake

I have been away from my practice for two years now, so that is not a problem. We did have some major problems with her 19yr old son when he moved into our house.. it went badly between he and I and I think she may still harbor some resentment from that. I have made my amends with the kid and he and I are ok with each other now. For a long time, our sex life was fabulous.. 3-4 x a week is not bad for a couple of over 50's. Don;t want constant validation.. just want to feel loved and special to her. if you go to my oritginal posts on this situation ( link removed ) you may get some more informatve background. And no, I didnt come home grouchy or glue myself to the tv or computer. Just seems like if you say you love someone, you would (especially if you have done so in the past) show affection.

been journaling for months now.. and you're right, it helps get feelings out, and keeps me on topic in therapy sessions. And sometimes I feel like I just gotta let it out and stand up for myself.. They are my feelinngs.. not right or wrong, just my feelings.

I have thought about this a lot, and I know I am not looking to her for adulation..Have discussed this a lot with therapist both individually and together. Maybe this is all she can give right now. All I am hoping for is some little signs from her that I am wanted and loved. Period. And the idea of dicussing things only in front fo the therapist makes sense, but sometimes i just get frustrated and have to get my feelings out between sessions.

My wife and i recently came back from the brink... we had both agreed to separate, and the, through much work on ourselves and a great therapist, decided to make a go of it. It's been a couple months now, and some things are great. We have worked out many of our problems, and have become friends and (occasionally) lovers again. I have been doing a lot of work on my own stuff, and recognize that, even if I were to be without her, I'd be ok. We have learned how to talk to one another. Or so I thought. Here's the dilemma: We recently moved to another state.. I left my professional practice of 30 years, and we are both currently unemployed while waiting for our new business to start. During the day, we spend a lot of time together. laugh, go places together, and participate in many fun activities. Problem is, there is no show of affection from her. During the day, I will walk by her, reach out to her, and hug her, and occasionally give her a kiss. There is minimal response from her, and she NEVER initiates. In bed at night, same thing... if I don't lean over and giv her a kiss and hug, there is none. Last night in bed, after I reached over to hold her I mentioned to her that I felt unwanted and unappreciated and that I feel this marriage seems like a one way street to me. That all I wanted was an occasional show of affection/appreciaton from her. She told me that my problem was that I had left my practice, and no longer had the constant adulation of my patients, and that i was looking to her to fill the gaps, and that we see each other all day long and there is a lot of hugging and kissing, and that she felt that she couldn't please me no matter what she did. With that, she got out of bed and went downstairs and turned onthe tv. About a half hour later, I went downstairs to get a drink of water and found her there. When I asked her what was up, she simply said she felt restless and couldn't sleep. When I woke up this morning, she was sleeping in the guest room. We had a pretty active sex life even before our brief separation, so that wan't a problem then as now. Not that i want sex all the time. I love to cuddle with her and such, and she seems to enjoy it also. SO, jsut a good night kiss, initiated by her, one of our good old passionate kisses during the day... anything to let me know that I matter to her, but basically get nothing but distance. It feels like something else is going on here.. either something she's not telling me, or something I'm missing. She says she loves me and that she is committed to the marriage. She says ther is no one else, and the therapist has made us both promise to remain monogamous, so I don't think there is someone else in the mix here. How do I get to the bottom of this? How do I express my needs and wants without being chastised for doing so? How do I find out what is truly going on here? I have given her lots of free space to 'find herself' and do not hover over her during the day.. sometimes she goes off by herself to do stuff and so do I. Help please.

Well.. it seems to be happening.... As I stated above, my wife went to Georgia to help her mom who just got out of the hospital. She called me yesterday morning and again last night. We had shared many long phone calls before we were married, her living in Georgia, me living in NJ, and she had not been too communicative in her trips recently to "find herself" That is all changed now.. Last night when she called, she sounded joust like the "old" her.. We talked for about a half hour.. about our day, about her mom.. about us.. this is a good thing. I am still not going to put any expectiatons on this turn of events, just hopes. Anyone got any suggestions on how to fan the flames here a little bit? Not wanting to control, simply wanting to nurture and grow from here if possible. Ladies.. any help on this? What can I do now besides being patient, to stir the pot a little?

thanks to all of your for your support and suggestions. I just finished a great book: "Conscious Loving" by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.. the most awesome book I have ever read on relationship mending! Wanted to share that with you all. We'll see how it goes when she gets home. Just when the sky is the darkest, the stars are the brightest! (anonymous)

i am beginning to realize that the hot and cold I am experiencing here may be due to menopausal stuff that has come out concurrently with all the hub-bub we have been experiencing. I will take each day at at time... If just for today.. I will cherish the moment, free of ego and it's chains. I will welcome your touch, your smile, your laugh. i will hold no expectation. If just for today. 08.04

So, This morning, for the first time in as long as I can remember, she initiates lovemaking. Actually this has been a gradual warming trend, with hours or days of aloofness in between. Today, she had a 7 hour drive home to help out her dad as her mom is in the hospital. When she called me from the road, after our conversation, i told her that this morning was really sweet. No response. Then she said, "what do you want me to say?" This is really confusing, but fortunately i have an appointment with our therapist tomorrow. As for past events that caused problems, besides her uprooting her life and her then 19yr old son and moving to NJ, and us dealing with blended family stuff, and me out of work and then jsu moving south, and both reverting to all the stuff that didn't work in our past relationships... not much. Her son was a tough situation.. she and I had differences of opinion about what was acceptable language and behavior from a 19 yr. old and we clashed on that right away. I found out recently she neveer forgave me for what went on at that time. The kid and I get along better now I have forgiven the kid, and forgiven myself for my part of the problem.. (wanting to be right! and self-righteous)) More recently we had been at each other's throats for little stuff. We have also been both working on ourselves, and I even did the "relationship rescue" program. It turned out to be very effective, because it forced me to look at myself and how I had not been taking my responsibility for creating my part of what was wrong in our relationship. That has changed. Just still cant understand her process.. patience!

kalobaby: (and others) Thank you for the wonderful advice about getting in touch with the things that we did while we were dating. We met in October of 2001 on the internet and physically met in Savannah 6 weeks later. Since I lived in NJ at the time, and she was in Georgia, we carried on a long distance relationship for a while, sharing emails, poems, letters, beatgreats cards, phone calls, etc. One night I had sent her a copy of a CD of our favorite tunes and we had dinner over the phone.. she at her place and me in mine.. we cooked the same meal, set the tables, lit candles and played the cd's. It was very romantic. We had done a lot of stuff like that to fill in the space between our visits every two to three weeks. I had already started doing little romantic things again, and I appreciate your take on this. There will be much more to come. oh, and we have started planning for the future again, and we have travelled together recently, and will be travelling together in the near future. In my original post, my main concern was the inconsistancy.. and it still is. She is sometimes aloof and sometimes loving and close. The mystery for me is what is really going on here? Ou therapist says to be patient. While I'm mindful of the need for patience, the whole process doesn't make much sense to me... I am grateful for any baby steps we are making Just wondering why and how affection gets turned on and off as if with a switch. Why is she affectionate one minute, and distant at others? I am told that she is going through a process, yet the jist of the process eludes me. Any thoughts on this from a woman's perspective would be appreciated.

This is my first post here... My wife and I had recently decided to separate, but have gotten back together. She tells me she had closed her heart to me, but that was in the past. Through the help of a wonderful couples therapist, we have resolved a great many issues, both having worked on ourselves and the relationship. We have become friends once again. We even sleep together most nights and have even made love several times. Here is the problem: Even though my wife says she is commited to making the marriage work, she is alternately loving and aloof. Sometimes I feel like a piece of the furniture and other times we act as lovers. We used to have a wonderful and active sex life, but now she will not initiate at all, whether it is lovemakiing, or simply hugging or kissing, and I get rejected most of the time when I initiate lovemaking. She says its not me but her. the therapist says to give her time. I am very patient but getting frustrated.