tegoz_marianos Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I've been seeing my bf since february and those of you that have read my previous posts will know of my experience with my ex who had led me on for months before being found out... So I was single for 8 months before meeting my now bf. I must say right now he's the best thing to ever happen to me. He's open, honest, generous, amazing in general. But my problem is I constantly feel anxious from reading into everything. He has a full time day job and is a photographer in his spare time (some evenings and weekends). I help him out with a lot of this as he uses me as a lighting tech! I love it as I get to spend time with him and he's an absolutely amazing photographer. When we met I was in the middle of moving house and my grandad was very ill in hospital. I had a permanent nervous tummy because of this, like proper anxiety symptoms. But he's been amazing and always there to talk to. My main issues to address are these: My ex told me we spent too much time together. Hence I am constantly worried that, even though my bf invites me over EVERY NIGHT without being asked, I fear he doesn't really want me there. Stupid I know. My bf is friends with many girls, exes included. This was known at the very beginning, I was completely fine with it. I go running/skating/to the cinema and pub with two of his exes. They're lovely people. Still I get ridiculous irrational jealousy sometimes. Like the fact his longterm ex still has a key to the flat and I don't. Also the incident with his friend all over him at the party (see previous posts) I feel silly bringing these up as a)I trust him and them implicitly never to do anything beyond what I know they do (meet for coffee and beers occasionally!) B)he always reads out every email/text etc they send him and hides nothing C) when I brought up the girl at the party thing he said he needed time to sort his head out and it scared the living daylights out of me that he maybe wanted to split up over it. This happened the day before my grandads funeral but he came along, carried the coffin and we went on holiday the week later and all has been fine since. I think he maybe just felt embarassed or something? But little things like the key and the fact he still has a valentines mug and pictures of his ex still give me twists in my gut despite feeling stupid for even thinking about them in any way! I hate myself for allowing irrational thoughts to creep in. I really don't believe he'd ever deliberately hurt me, he's super sweet and I love him. I just wish I could stop over thinking everything. He never says I love you first but always says it back when I say it and everything he does proves he means it. He invites me over every night yet I assume he doesn't want me there, despite the fact he blatantly does. I need to stop second guessing and just accept that he's a good person. Can someone help because I'm driving myself insane!! I read about ROCD and this sounds very much like I'm feeling-paranoid if he doesn't reply to texts/emails in a set time, assuming him not answering a question about the future in an email means he doesn't see us having one, worrying about everything. I need it sorted before I ruin it with the best thing to ever happen to me Link to comment
myhonestanswer Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 You either trust him or you don't. You can't only trust him when he reads his texts and e-mails aloud. If you trust him, prove it to him by relaxing. If you can't relax, you don't trust him. And if that has more to do with your previous relationship than with this one, then I'd find a good therapist and try to work through it. Good luck. Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I genuinely know he wouldn't cheat. He's not that kind of guy. I've never asked him to read me his emails, he's just always done it. His ex was bipolar and used to throw herself down the stairs if he had a night out without her/met up with girls so I'm guessing it stems from that!! Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Well, you know this is all about your insecurities, your baggage -- and not how this guy is treating you. And if you can't stop, like by telling yourself ---- breathe, this is all in my head === he hasn't done a thing to warrant this reaction let alone anything else....ok, I'm good then, you need to get some theraphy, or do some reading on anxiety issues....because it's only going to get worse. You see a potential problem around every corner, you really -- truly don't trust that his words or behavior are meaningful -- and it will sabatoge your relationship before long. Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I'm so embarassed to go for therapy. I called my doctor and booked two appointments, both of which I cancelled last minute. I know it's entirely in my head, that's what upsets me so much because he's the most genuinely good person I've ever met. I need to get over my embarassment and speak to someone because bringing things up with him isn't fair. He's always understanding no matter what but this isn't his problem and he shouldn't have to deal with it Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I'm so embarassed to go for therapy. I called my doctor and booked two appointments, both of which I cancelled last minute. I know it's entirely in my head, that's what upsets me so much because he's the most genuinely good person I've ever met. I need to get over my embarassment and speak to someone because bringing things up with him isn't fair. He's always understanding no matter what but this isn't his problem and he shouldn't have to deal with it Good --- so book and go! At the very least, you will need only one or two visits -- not a lifetime --- to give you the tools to deal with this. There is no shame in not having the skill set to deal with something. The shame come from ignoring the opportunity to fix something you have the power and the intent to fix. Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 True. I know it will help and if I can keep him because of it then its worth whatever embarassment I have to go through. I guess my mind is programmed to feel stupid about things like admitting I have a problem. I saw a therapist from the age of 6 for family reasons and I've never told anyone about it in my life. I guess I just feel it's a failure to let things get to me like they do Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Nope. A truly intelligent and insightful person seeks ways to solve their problems. A failure or an insane person keeps up the same behavior, time and time again, and doesn't understand why the outcome never changes. Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Hehe that's like one of my favourite quotes: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" Albert Einstein. Guess they don't call him a genius for nothing! Man's got a point Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 so go be a genius and put your life back on track! Link to comment
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