Has it gone too far to get back together now?!

[playstheblues]

Hi everyone... I recently posted my break up story and have been thankful for all the advice and would welcome any more anyone has to give. Another question I have is probably aimed at the dumpers- Is there a certain point where you feel like it is too logistically hard to get back together and put things aside or is that me just wanting a reason or excuse that he has not tried to reinitiate a relationship? My ex fiance has been recently expressing doubts about his decision, but in the time since we have seperated ( a very long 7 weeks), he has moved out, taken another lease and we are just about to finalise selling our old property (which was happeneing before we seperated). We have also cancelled our wedding plans, I wanted to wait on these decisions but he was adamant, from the day he broke up with me out of the blue that his decision was final.

 

I feel like he thinks things have gone past the point of repair because in his own words- 'he did this and now has to live with the consequences' - All he would have to do is indicate interest in trying to work through the issues and I would consider that option. Maybe I am pathetic, but that is the truth. Please note I have not said this to him and have not begged or pleaded about this at all. This 8 year relationship was incredibly important to me, and improtantly, I think we had a relationship where we bought the best out in each other, so obviously I am wanting to try to work through this but don't want to set myself up for any more heartache (if that is even possible.)

[Mellie]

He has to live with the consequences because he's making the choice to do so. Were that not the case, I think he would be letting you know. Showing a degree of uncertainty isn't saying he wants to get back together. I think you have to take the "I want to break up" bit on face value. Maybe leave the channels of communication open, but there again, that will hold you back in healing and getting over him.

 

The thread about this one is about a couple keeping in LC and how it worked out for them and they got back together. But bear in mind, that's something of a rarity. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. 'Preparing for the worst' in itself usually helps you switch that 'hope for the best' away from the ex and onto a brighter future. If you want to keep in touch, I'd say do so, but as you're healing you'll probably come to a point where it's detrimental to you going onwards. You need to put your best foot forward now and start taking care of number 1.

[playstheblues]

He has to live with the consequences because he's making the choice to do so. Were that not the case, I think he would be letting you know. Showing a degree of uncertainty isn't saying he wants to get back together. I think you have to take the "I want to break up" bit on face value. Maybe leave the channels of communication open, but there again, that will hold you back in healing and getting over him.

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Thanks Mellie. Your response makes a lot of sense. I guess when you are in this position, you ask yourselves all kinds of questions and come up with all sorts of 'borderline denial' excuses or reasons why he may not be letting me know. It's just hard to suddenly let go after all this time and switch into - care about me and focus on me- instead of focusing on us. I will look out for the other thread. LC is really the only option at the moment as we have to sort out logistics of a lot of stuff. That being said- he is the one to initiate the contact and I will keep it that way. I can only hope- but you are right when you say hoping does hold you back in healing. I suspect, after 8 years, healing is going to take some time.

[Mellie]

I know. I'm really sorry for what's happened to you. But if he's reiterated over and over that his decision is final - well - what you can take from that is, you really need to let yourself off the hook. There's really nothing you can sensibly say or do to make him have a sudden change of heart. If he's not wanting to open up about it you can't really force it.

 

What I would say about the LC thing is, don't let him use you as a security blanket. If he's just checking in when he needs a bit of emotional support, then disappearing again, it's not going to be very healthy for you longterm. If you have unfinished business then I'd stick to that and keep communication short and sweet.

[playstheblues]

I know. I'm really sorry for what's happened to you. But if he's reiterated over and over that his decision is final - well - what you can take from that is, you really need to let yourself off the hook. There's really nothing you can sensibly say or do to make him have a sudden change of heart. If he's not wanting to open up about it you can't really force it.

QUOTE]

 

There is some train of thought that he is suffering from depression or some kind of freak out (the break up happened VERy suddenly) so do you think this still applies? He hasn't said anything recently about his decision being final - that was more in the beginning- but then again, I have given him no reason to as I have not begged or pleaded.

 

How do I know if he is using me as a security blanket? Will the communication be more just focussed on him and his feelings? How do you know the difference between using as a security blanket and reaching out for help?

[rachel001]

Hi Playstheblues,

 

Overall that was not good whatever happened with your relationship.... But I will say when he became adamant on his decision after such great time(8 years) relationship, now there is no point to go back to him or wait for him. See... Marriage is about to happen and if things are not good before marriage or if they are the result of compromise, things get worse after marriage.

 

Fact is that you loved her more in comparison to his love towards you.

 

Now it is your life so I will not suggest to get him back or doing try to get him again for more worse results.

[thechampion]

I agree with Rachel001. If things are bad now, then when the pressure of marriage is likely to make things far worse. My advice (however harsh it may sound) is just to move on with your life. If things change for him and he realises that he needs you again, then he'll come back, but by that time you may find (even after all those years together) that you need him no more. I'm also going to add that I don't think that that's a bad thing at all.

 

After seeing this so much in my own and my friends lives I came up with this little compatibility system that seemed to explain this explicitly, but from a point of view that causes no hurt. Take a look at my Compatibility Series on yakamazi.co.uk/compatibility_0

 

It puts you in a position where you can look at things logically without the added emotions.

 

Just take a look and see what you think.

[Mellie]

Well, I don't know - is he contacting you with a specific agenda (i.e. the house) or just randomly just talking about nothing? If there is a reason for him to get in touch, fair enough, if not, you may take that as a good sign but they really can screw you around and lead you right up the garden path. Maybe since he's moved out he's feeling a little lonely. Maybe he misses the emotional intimacy and just checks in for that then buzzes off again. Is it him bringing up the relationship or you? If it's you, I'd stop. If it's him, I'd be tempted to ask him outright what he wants and why he's still bringing it up. If he wants to have a frank discussion, fair enough. If he doesn't, he's yanking your chain. Reaching out to you for help IS using you as a security blanket. You really can't be his emotional crutch to help him through all of this. You can't suddenly jump to being BFF. It's his bed, he's got to lie in it, woe is me - whatever mate. If he wanted to do something about it, he would. If you really want an answer, put your cards on the table and tell him you want him back, but you have to be prepared to be rejected again and wind up all the way back at the start.

 

Obviously you want to get back together. Even from a reconcilliation point of view you shouldn't be making yourself too emotionally available. You need to drop off the radar a bit - be aloof. How can he miss you when he knows you're sitting waiting for him? If you pick up the phone after the 3rd ring or respond to his emails within the hour, that'll be the message he's getting.

 

I agree that you should be careful what you wish for. That'll he'll get engaged, start wedding planning then bolt doesn't really demonstrate that he'd be a stable, responsible husband. What would you do a couple of years and possibly kids down the line if he did the same thing?

[Eocsor]

There is some train of thought that he is suffering from depression or some kind of freak out (the break up happened VERy suddenly) so do you think this still applies?

 

The one thing I'd say is that people rarely, and I mean very very rarely, just freak out or break up out of the blue. Usually this is something that they have been considering for a long time. So odds are he's put a lot of thought into his descision.

 

As far as healing yourself goes, don't try and rush it and don't expect miracles. On average they say it takes about 18 months to two years to totally recover from the death of a significant relationship. Thats been my experience as well as my male friends who've gone through divorce.

 

What ever approach you decide to take with your ex, you'll get a feeling of where it's going sooner than later. Eventually you'll come to a point where you'll know whats best for you and at that stage you'll be ready to move forward with your life. People have to be ready to accept whats happened and you aren't there yet. But you'll get there in time. Good luck.

[playstheblues]

Hi Ecoscor - I totally agree that it is a very rare occurrence for people to break up out of the blue and very suddenly - but in his own words he said that he 'flipped out and made the decision'. He had no plans of where to go and has only just (nearly two months later) found somewhere else more permanent to live than a couch. He was also happily participating (seemingly happily anyway) wedding and honeymoon planning up until two days before he broke up so I don't know if that means that he is using it as an excuse and isn't courageous enough to say that he had been thinking about this for a long time. I don't actually know if it makes it better or worse- because if he is capable about flipping out and doing something rash like this (never before has he been a rash person at all) then I'm not sure what else he is capable of doing.

 

wow. 18 months to 2 years is a bloody long time, isn't it. I probably believe that is accurate though I somehow just want to fast forward my life so I don't have to wake up feeling this horrible and having to remind myself, that indeed, this is all real. It still seems very surreal to me- going to sleep and not waking up with him there after 8 years....

 

Thanks for your advice though- I will try my best to get on with things. At this point- I obviously still want to reconcile but realise that there would be so many hurdles to get back to being a happy couple - I guess there are hurdles in every relationship though.... I guess things are still Raw at the moment and it is really really hard to judge where his head is at because I'm not sure that he even knows.

 

 

 

Mellie - you are so right with saying the above- It's so hard not to help him emotionally because I love him so much, but I have to remember that he wasn't helping me at all and he has caused this mess so you are right about him having to lie in his bed. It's just a shame that I have become a casualty of all of this too! At this point, a lot of our mutual friends are announcing their engagements etc at the time when I'm cancelling my wedding- it all seems to much to bear. But I guess, like most other people, I will get through this stage and find strength from somewhere - even if it is only glimpses among the months of madness.

 

I think this is all becoming really real for myself and him now, as in less than a month we will be moving all our stuff out of our old condo and then I will be travelling to the east coast to stay with some family for a while - just over the winter for a time out. I think this will signal the end of any chance at all because once I'm gone, in reality, there is no real chance of just bumping into him again, and unless we remain in contact, which I think it is best NOT to do once I'm gone, then that will be it. It's so funny how someone can be in your life, planning to spend a future together and then now- 7 weeks later - I'm dealing with the very real possibility that he will not be in life at all. I probably won't even see him more than 5 or 6 times again if the situation doesn't change. I guess he is aware of those things and his made his decision so I have to live with it.

[playstheblues]

Just wondering- for the dumpers? When the dumper progresses to a stage where they are feeling guilt, remorse, and are feeling extremely sad about the end of the relationship, does this mean that *if* and only *if* they were to want to try again, this would be the time they would do it. Or do they usually leave it until they aren't feeling any pressure from guilt etc. P.s. the guilt and remorse are entirely brought on by him in his own mind- I have said nothing to try to 'guilt' him - I want to steer clear from as many of these games as possible. Is now the best time to initiate NC?

[rachel001]

Some dumpers do not feel it at all, some feel it but do not feel guilt, some feel guilt but do not try to restart the relation because of ego, communication gap etc.

 

But only few initiate to get the relation as it was earlier. I am telling again they are few.

 

Do one thing... you just initiate NC and see the scene after one month. After one or two months you will realize that he tried to contact you or how seriously he was to get you back?