why do I belong to the place I belong

[sademotions]

Does it make me a bad person, if I were to go against my family and secretly marry someone that I truly think is the right person for me?

 

To elaborate: I am 25 in a relationship for almost 2 years now. My parents were told that the guy I chose is irresponsible, uneducated, worthless person who is much older than me (he is 30) and doesnt belong to a good family. So obviously they are furious, dissapointed that I let them down. Who gave my parents this information? My mother's sister who has met my boyfriend. My parents have never met him, they live continents away.

 

The truth: Not that it matters to me personally, but the culture I belong to cares alot about some superficial attributes of a person such as income, profession, family background, etc. My boyfriend is divorced and thats a deal breaker. But he is not some irresposible, uneducated, worthless person. He is very kind, has gone to college, has is own successful business. I didnt even bother to tell all this to my parents because I got so sick after hearing what my aunt told them about him.

 

The past: I was sexually and physically abused for years by my own brother until I went away for college. Everything was tucked under a rug. When this happened, I was a naive child. I was miserable, but didnt have a voice. My parents took no action against this. It only stopped because I went away. Now that I am an adult, it is all coming back to me and I am slowly building resentment against my family. I haven't talk to them about this and dont think I ever will, but I cant but help feel angry at my parents for not protecting me. So the only thing I want now for myself is to make my own decision. I will always have relationship with my family, but at the same time I feel like they do not deserve to have any say about my life. Also, I do not want to bring back all these issues and disturb the peace in my family.

 

So here I am miserable. Unable to stand up for myself. Sick of being constantly judged. Hating myself to have a very liberal view, but belonging to a very conservative family. It seems as though the only end to this situation is hurting my parents really bad and perhaps ending my relationship with them. Because leaving my boyfriend is not an option. I am 25! I can't make my own decisions? Something is very wrong with the values and culture of the place I belong to. Parents make all the decisions. They judge people based on their caste/clan, money, profession, and education. Actual nature of a person such as kindness, generosity, selflessness is of no worth. Its all about status. And no I am not making this up.

 

So, Is there anything I can do/tell myself to feel better about this situation?

[abitbroken]

I caution you about secretly marrying your boyfriend because you are out to prove something or wanting to claim your own choices. 2 years may seem like a long time, but I will tell you, I have learned more about my boyfriend in year 3 - things that aren't bad things, but things that deepen the relationship between us and we are glad we waited and didn't marry in a rush. Also, how long has he been divorced and have you explored things - has he dealt with the issues that he contributed to the divorce?

 

Also, if you have been sexually abused, have you sought counseling? Sometimes when we don't get help, it affects our future relationships. THere are so many threads on ENA of a person who later into their relationship or marriage has reactions from the abuse that affects the spouse. Also, how is his relationship with his own family?

 

Please consider your parents might be over protective of you because of what happened with your brother. No one really knows what to do in that situation. It could very well have eaten them away inside - the feelngs of being worthless parents for having raised a child that did what your brother did or having a child that something happened to. They may not have reacted the way you wanted them to, but now this may be their way of being protective, etc. Their judgement of this young man may be their way of reacting to the unknown...because they don't know him. I understand that their views of socioeconomic place may be outdated in your eyes, but they have every right to be concerned for you anyways as their daughter.. Right now, you can choose to write them off, or you can accept that you can agree to disagree. Listen to what they have to say with open ears - take some of their advice that applies, and for the rest understand that they really are just afraid and concerned and address those feelings rather than assuming they dislike you or want the worst for you. While your parents might be off the mark on some things living in a different culture, they were still not born yesterday.

 

When my parents were concerned about my choice in men, it was less about the person being a bad person but more about my behavior. If i suddenly gave up my favorite interests the minute the guy came along as if I had never been interested in them, was sad more than normal, or angrier about life and the guy was the only thing that was new, they of course are going to attriute it to things were not going well with the guy - the relationship was bad, or he was the wrong guy.

[sademotions]

Thanks alot. You have indeed provided a very different insight to my situation and I greatly appreciate it. Secretly marrying is not my first option either. But I am really tired of constant accusations of my parents of me not being matured enough in life. I put myself through college. I graduated with honors. I am a nurse now and I really do believe that I have enough maturity and life experience to separate right from wrong.

 

You are absolutely right in saying they are being protective now. But I am tired of putting a smile on my face so that they are happy. That is exactly what I did all those years when I was abused constantly. I have even put that aside of me. All I need now from them is to trust me and say whatever decisions you make will be accepted instead of saying I failed them because I chose a man for myself.

 

Anyhow, my boyfriend was divorced 3 years ago. He has a very good relationship with his family and his family is very understanding and supportive.

 

We are in no rush to be honest. I almost feel like I dont even want to bother them by letting them know about my marriage plan. I guess thats my way of retaliation. I do not know what I will do next. Obviously, there is no good way of communicating this to my parents because they cry and emotionally blackmail me everytime I try to talk to them. Part of me want to cut ties with them, I really do, but that will just break them to pieces. So I guess I will just wait and see what happens.

 

PS my mother is looking for a nice groom for me while all this is happening because they do want me to get married now that I am 25!