Has Anyone Made Mistakes in Friendships and Regret When the Friendships Ended?

[gluestick]

This might be a long post so please bare with me. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this thread. Anyhow...I was in a 4 year relationship with my first love and pretty much focused all my energy on him and pushed away my friends. These are people I've known since high school, people I've hung out with to have fun and partied with back in the days. As I became more involved in my relationship, I outgrew my old partying days. My friends never did. In fact, they are more engrossed in drinking and clubbing now than in college. I simply do not like that type of lifestyle anymore and pretty much threw away my friends and concentrated on my boyfriend the entire 4 years together. Needless to say I thought my boyfriend and I would get married, have kids, etc. but things didn't quite work out. He broke up with me not too long ago and left me utterly devastated. We've decided to remain friends after enough time apart for me to completely heal and move on.

 

So lately I find myself alone all the time and without anyone to talk to. I've been trying to reach out to old friends where we fell out of touch, including my old main circle of friends I mentioned above. It's been a month since my breakup and I've done a lot of reflecting, not just on my relationship, but also on friendship and life in general. I've noticed a few things during these darkest hours of my life. There are a few friends who I've recently reconnected with after falling out of touch for years that seem no time has passed between us. They've received me with open arms, are not judgmental and we chat about anything and everything just like old times. One of them even told me I could reach out to him if I needed anything at all. I know he meant it because he's that type of friend. It's really nice and comforting to know that they still care, even if just a little. It's too bad that they don't live locally and are either living out of state or out of the country right now, so we keep in touch through gchat or email.

 

Then there are other friends, my old main circle of closest high school friends who made a pact in the past to be friends forever...they despise me for not keeping in touch with them the last 4 years. To be honest, I did reach out to them but only through internet chatting. They contacted me 2 times in a span of 4 years to hang out before they gave up on me as a friend altogether. I met one of the girls at a party of a mutual friend 1 year into my relationship with the boyfriend. I tried to be friendly to her at the party, but she clearly did not want to talk to me at all. So I backed off. Then 2 years ago I asked her to hang out. We did. Then I found out she only agreed to hang out with me because she wanted to use me (1st, her mom wanted me to do some stuff for her and the 2nd time she texts me out of nowhere and asks to borrow my drivers license so one of her friends can use it and she refused to tell me what they needed my license for). I was very offended after this act for a long time, but I still invite her to chat online a couple of times in the last year. It was obvious she did not want to talk to me and gave me 1 or 2 word responses. After my breakup last month, I called her up for a college friend's phone #, who happens to be one of her ex-boyfriend, yet he was my friend too. Apparently she was extremely offended by this thinking that I had no right to ask her for his # after not talking to her for a while.

 

I made contact with 3 of the other friends in this circle who are now living in NY together. One of them told me if I wanted to visit them then book a flight to NY. So I did, for new years. I asked if I could stay at their place since I didn't know anyone else in NY and had no place to stay (I can't book hotel b/c I'm a little poor right now) and they never got back to me for a week. I finally just called and asked if it's okay to stay with them or not and one of them told me that they're not comfortable seeing me and didn't want to see me since I haven't talked to them in a long time. It's definitely understandable, but my ticket is non-refundable so I'm a little disappointed that I wasted $500+ on an airline ticket that I had to cancel. This friend also scolded me for making the girl friend I mentioned in the above paragraph offended.

 

I regret blowing off this circle of friends in the first place and take this as a learning lesson to never do that again in the future when I make new friends. This breakup is a really good experience because it opened my eyes to stuff I never realized before. I will mature greatly from this experience and know what to do and what not to do in the future, not just for lovers, but friends, family, and strangers too.

 

I know I made the mistake of blowing off my main circle of high school friends in the first place for my ex-boyfriend and deserve every bit of the backlash I'm getting from them right now. However, I can't help but feel I deserve better friends than them. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, but I really think that they were just party friends and nothing more. I'm very greatful that they were in my life a few years ago and we have fun partying and being silly together, but now it's time to let them go. Should they decide they want me back in their lives again or need help with anything in the future, I would welcome them with open arms just like the few good friends I do have, have done for me. For now, it's time to let them go. I hope some of you who have or are going through similar experiences can take my story as a valuable lesson. I will get through my breakup eventually and become a better me, because I know I do have friends that care, even if they're few and far between.

[annie24]

hi - welcome to enotalone. i'm glad you realized you shouldn't have blown off your friends. that said, maybe you shouldn't bother trying to 'pick up where you left off.' i think you should focus on finding new friends in your area who are interested in similar things as you are. i met a ton of female friends in dance class - i recommend doing something where you can befriend women. you mentioned that they got heavily into partying while you did not - maybe you would have grown apart from them anyway if you did not have a boyfriend? most people aren't good friends with people from high school anyway. maybe a person or two, but that's it.

[Princess123]

The best of friends and truest of friends will be there (usually) no matter what. So the ones that blew you off or treated you badly they just weren't good friends, or couldn't get over it. As we grow and mature we change and sometimes our circle of friends changes too. Why? People go through the partying phase, then career phase, then marrying, then kids etc. It's kind of like needing different kinds of friends for each if they aren't on the same path of life as you. What I mean by that is You could be done with school completely and working, while a very close friend isn't done and still wants to party. Or she wants to continue partying after college and your not into that. People grow apart for many things. Don't beat yourself over it, some people don't even have any friends at all.

[gluestick]

hi - welcome to enotalone. i'm glad you realized you shouldn't have blown off your friends. that said, maybe you shouldn't bother trying to 'pick up where you left off.' i think you should focus on finding new friends in your area who are interested in similar things as you are. i met a ton of female friends in dance class - i recommend doing something where you can befriend women. you mentioned that they got heavily into partying while you did not - maybe you would have grown apart from them anyway if you did not have a boyfriend? most people aren't good friends with people from high school anyway. maybe a person or two, but that's it.

 

 

Hi annie, thanks for the welcome! I'm really glad to have found ENA. It's helped me tremendously the past month. I've been lurking on here reading threads, but have not been able to post anything due to a proxy setting that has now been fixed. Yay! I agree that it's time to meet new people and make new friends and to be comfortable in my own skin. Friends come and go all the time and only a few rare diamonds stay forever. Those are the ones I'd do anything for. You're right that I would've outgrown my high school friends even if I didn't have a boyfriend. Most of the time I agree to go clubbing and drinking with them was due to peer pressure, not because I enjoyed it. I'm more of an introvert and prefer just lounging or hanging out with friends, chill with some good movies or a deck of cards or board games or just having meaningful talks.

 

I've already joined the gym and am taking zumba classes. I'm looking to expand into kickboxing and yoga soon. I also want to try hiking, rock climbing, biking and other outdoor activities in the future to expand my hobbies.

[loveincoffee]

I think you should not worry about the friends those who you have lost. Best of friends will always be there no matter what!

I suppose this is to be expected at this age. We naturally change as we grow and go from teen to adult.

 

You're not the only one, and yes - it is a sad thought. We just have to stay true to ourselves and keep growing no matter where it takes us. You will make new friends for all the old ones you've lost, and they will be a better fit. It is really a good thing.

[gluestick]

The best of friends and truest of friends will be there (usually) no matter what. So the ones that blew you off or treated you badly they just weren't good friends, or couldn't get over it. People grow apart for many things. Don't beat yourself over it, some people don't even have any friends at all.

 

Yes I've read a lot recently about true friends. They are indeed very very rare. I know now that those high school friends are not my real friends, because true friends would always offer a shoulder to cry on. They were simply people who shared similar interests during a particular phase in my life, but not anymore. What's surprised me the most is the one friend who told me he'd always be there if I needed anything. I've only known him for a very short time vs the high school friends who I've known for over 10 years.

[gluestick]

You're not the only one, and yes - it is a sad thought. We just have to stay true to ourselves and keep growing no matter where it takes us. You will make new friends for all the old ones you've lost, and they will be a better fit. It is really a good thing.

 

Hi Love, have you ever been in a similar situation like mine? I just think it's a pity to have lost some people who I've known for a really long time and basically grew up with.

[Mauxly]

I can relate to what you are going through. I've been there, many times! I find that I tend to cycle through a new group of friends every decade or so. We just seem to grow apart, change lifesyles, move on. I go through a mourning process each time, and each time I find myself lonely and fearful that I won't find new friends. But I always do.

 

I have a few dear, dear friends that are absolute lifers. We move away from each other, our lifestyles change, but we always come back together closer than before.

 

The rest I consider 'super aquantances'. Great people to talk to, pal.around with, be temporary support for each other...but I've learned not to get too attached.

 

I don't know what my point is really. Except that its going to be OK. And I think this is normal...or at least I hope it is!

[gluestick]

Thanks Muaxly! It's really comforting to hear you say that everything will be okay because I was afraid that I'll never have new friends and will end up a loner! I'm in my late 20s, but it's never too late to make new friends! I believe I will meet some great people in the future.

[meoww]

Thank you! I needed to hear this too! great post

[Angel Irulan]

Just make new friends.

 

Angel